Chapter 246: A Historic Occasion
RawrSoFierce: Did you hit your shikigami with some kind of intelligence-dampening boundary? Because there's no way she believed an excuse that flimsy otherwise.
RawrSoFierce: A normal person wouldn't have bought that story, let alone Ran.
Eternally Seventeen: Hmph! Does Admin-sama really think I'm that kind of shameless creature? And for the record, I don't possess any intelligence-dampening boundary.
Eternally Seventeen: Besides — Ran's ability is not inferior to mine!
RawrSoFierce: Didn't expect you to actually have a functioning sense of shame.
Eternally Seventeen: Pfft… I have always had a perfectly functioning sense of shame, thank you.
Kaguya-sama: That excuse was genuinely unbeatable. Yukari-nee truly has no floor — I suppose that's just what it means to operate at that level.
Crazy Diamond: On that note, I'd like to interview Admin-sama — what does it feel like to be a surprise dad? Excited? Moved? Shocked?
RawrSoFierce: It feels like muting you for ten minutes.
Crazy Diamond: S— sorry!!!!!!
My True Form Is Cola: Pfft… Josuke-senpai, the speedrun to backing down is something else.
Street-Corner Illustrator: That's not backing down, that's listening to your heart.
Ying Zheng The Sovereign: Listening to your heart — is that not simply acting on instinct?
I'm Rolling In It: Josuke kid, you can't just let authority scare you off like that — Uncle Tony is very disappointed in this display. You should stand firm in the face of power and fearlessly speak your truth!
Crazy Diamond: …In that case, Mr. Stark, why don't you say it for me?
I'm Rolling In It: Oh? Uncle Tony's burger delivery just arrived — let me finish this double cheeseburger and then I'll back you up.
Crazy Diamond: Hey, hey, hey — that's you backing down too! You've got some nerve lecturing me!
My True Form Is Cola: Pfahahaha, the hypocrisy is staggering…
"…"
Ryū shook his head with a helpless laugh. Yukari's capacity for shameless maneuvers knew no apparent limit. Though calling it "shameless" almost wasn't quite accurate — it implied she'd once had shame to lose. The evidence suggested she'd started without it.
Anyway — whatever the mechanics of the excuse, the outcome was what mattered.
Sakura was settling in well at Gensokyo. Ran had accepted her as a new member of the household, which was already a solid foundation. With Yukari's backing, Ran wouldn't have any complaints regardless. Or perhaps Yukari had been telling the truth and Ran genuinely liked children.
One thought did occur to Ryū, though.
He had a vague recollection that Gensokyo's general atmosphere leaned somewhat… a particular direction. A notable proportion of its female youkai population had a slightly non-standard orientation.
There was a non-zero chance Sakura might be influenced by her environment.
Probably unlikely. But not impossible.
I'm Rolling In It: WHAT THE — WHAT THE — WHAT THE — Something deeply disturbing just happened over here!
Crazy Diamond: Huh? Mr. Stark, what happened? You're a red-blooded American and you just typed that — what on earth is going on?
I'm Rolling In It: Whatever I'm about to tell you — please don't be frightened.
RawrSoFierce: Sir, we are Chat Group members. We don't frighten easily.
I'm Rolling In It: I just had JARVIS run a scan on the beef patty in my double cheeseburger.
Crazy Diamond: The beef patty? What's interesting about a beef patty?
I'm Rolling In It: It's not what's interesting, it's what it IS. It's one of those composite patties — you know, the processed kind, shaped into a disc, with cheese worked into it. Not a regular patty.
I'm Rolling In It: I'd already taken a big bite when it occurred to me that I'm Iron Man and there's always the possibility of a supervillain poisoning my food — so I had JARVIS do a quick scan for toxins.
I'm Rolling In It: And what JARVIS found during the scan was that the beef patty — was a composite disc ground from a bull's personal region.
Crazy Diamond: WHAT — PFAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
I'm Rolling In It: Hold on — this is a horrifying revelation and you think it's FUNNY, Josuke kid?
Crazy Diamond: I just remembered something cheerful — eating that part of a bull is supposed to be highly nutritious.
My True Form Is Cola: PFAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
I'm Rolling In It: What are you laughing at?
My True Form Is Cola: I also just remembered something cheerful — I don't eat beef burgers.
I'm Rolling In It: I want to be absolutely clear: I am not joking right now!
Crazy Diamond: Pfahahahahaha!!!!
RawrSoFierce: Hahahahaha!!!!
My True Form Is Cola: Hahahahaha!!!!
I'm Rolling In It: HEY!!!!
"…"
In the Iron Man film-verse, Tony Stark sat staring at the chat log with an expression of profound confusion. He'd just eaten something horrifying and they thought he was joking?
JARVIS's scan results were what they were. He wasn't making anything up. The patty was genuinely problematic.
He looked at the burger on the table — one large, committed bite taken from the side — and felt his stomach lurch.
If he were Chinese, he probably wouldn't have blinked. But he was American, and every instinct he possessed was screaming that this was not something a person was meant to eat. Which would have been fine, except that he had already eaten it. Eaten a genuinely significant mouthful of it. Swallowed.
Tony Stark found himself contemplating whether a stomach pump was warranted.
He was a grown man and he had consumed that.
Just thinking about it made him feel ill.
RawrSoFierce: Mr. Stark, we are rigorously trained individuals. Under normal circumstances we do not laugh out loud.
Kaguya-sama: Ahem! Correct — only when we truly cannot help it.
My True Form Is Cola: Such as, for example, right now — PFAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
I'm Rolling In It: …You're all bullying poor Uncle Tony. Waaah.
RawrSoFierce: Gross. Absolutely not. I want no part of this.
Street-Corner Illustrator: The legendary Iron Man — witness the collapse of his carefully constructed persona. Is this the descent of human dignity, or merely the erosion of moral character? Look forward to Eriri the Street Artist's new serialized manga: Iron Man: The Tragedy!
I'm Rolling In It: No but — doesn't that part of a bull strike everyone else as completely revolting?
RawrSoFierce: It's fine. That stuff is supposed to be good for stamina. The more you eat, the more energy you have.
Crazy Diamond: See, even Admin-sama says it's good for stamina.
I'm Rolling In It: …Is that actually true? I feel like you're all coordinating to mess with me. I'm no biologist, but you can't just say things like this!
WolfKingOfQingQingGrasslands: From what this King recalls — yes, that is supposed to be beneficial for stamina.
I'm Rolling In It: Wait, really? So should I just… finish it?
I'm Rolling In It: …Still feels extremely gross though!
"…"
Ryū withdrew from the Chat Group.
Tony Stark — ordering a casual burger and somehow landing on that. He had to have bought it from a street stall, surely.
Though in fairness, the thing apparently did have a genuine reputation for that particular effect. Whether there was any scientific basis for it, Ryū had no idea and no particular reason to investigate. His own physiology was operating well above baseline, and with Life Return at Mastery level, anything in the vicinity of that category of ailment was simply never going to be his problem. As for Tony, who had spent years living at a pace that would flatten a lesser man — a little supplementation probably wasn't the worst idea. The man was solidly middle-aged at this point.
…
The clock read 11:30.
Thirty minutes until the Chūnin Exam opening ceremony.
Ryū stretched his limbs, made minimal preparations, and headed out.
The ceremony was being held at Konoha's central plaza — adjacent to the Hokage Building, a broad, flat expanse of ground. The previous plaza had been reduced to rubble during the Nine-Tails incident. This one was new, only recently completed as part of the reconstruction.
An ANBU operative was waiting as he arrived and escorted him to his assigned seat.
The section was occupied entirely by Konoha's senior leadership and the visiting representatives from other villages — a collection of age, rank, and authority in concentrated form. Among this group, Minato — past twenty — was practically the youngest present. Ryū, the only non-shinobi in attendance, was younger still.
He drew glances as he settled into his seat. Hardly surprising, given the impression he'd made last time.
Ryū paid the stares no attention. His gaze drifted, mildly bored, across the plaza below.
It was packed.
Half the crowd was Konoha's own — civilians, merchants, shinobi. The other half had come from outside the village: travelers, representatives, visitors of every stripe. And woven through the mass of bodies were the Chūnin Exam candidates themselves.
The sheer number of people had produced a steady roar of noise.
Then the clock struck noon.
Minato rose from his seat.
The aura unique to a Hokage radiated from him, quietly and without announcement. He brought his hands together in a single unhurried clap.
The noise of the plaza faded. Then faded further. Then stopped.
Minato smiled. "Traditionally, the Chūnin Exams have had no opening ceremony. However, as this is the first exam to be held in the aftermath of the war, I felt a brief ceremony was warranted. I hope no one finds it too much of an imposition."
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