Chapter 209: Does Yukari Have Any Dignity Left?
He melted into his own bed and became approximately ninety percent fish. The kind that lies flat and resists all motion indefinitely.
The sky outside was moving toward evening. He turned his head to check the clock on the bedside table.
4:45.
Which meant five days until the group activity started.
Iron Man series. The Marvel world.
He wouldn't call himself a Marvel fan. Beyond the film characters — Thor, Black Widow, Thanos, Ghost Rider, the general roster of the cinematic universe — the broader comics lore was a blank for him. The TV shows he'd also skipped entirely; American dramas had a reputation for dropping off a cliff in later seasons. Prison Break, Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad — he'd decided long ago that waiting to see where a long-running American series ended up before committing was the reasonable approach.
Tony's appearance in the Chat Group selfies is clearly Robert Downey Jr., so this is the film universe, not the comics continuity. And film-universe-only Tony means everything stays bounded to what I actually know.
Unless the trip immediately encounters the Ancient One. That would produce a headache.
The thought completed itself and then, somewhere in the idle space between one thought and the next, he fell asleep.
He woke up to noon.
Outside, Konoha was proceeding normally. The previous day's shockwave had been attributed to seismic activity by the general population, no casualties had occurred, and the structural damage was being treated as an extension of the existing reconstruction effort. Most Konoha buildings were wood and bamboo — repair timelines were fast. The village had already come back from much worse in a shorter window than most people expected.
"Somehow fell asleep and didn't eat anything yesterday. Doesn't matter — when I'm not fighting, food is just comfort. Save the appetite for the group activity. Tony has money."
Morning routine: teeth, face, shower, clothes, hang laundry, tidy up.
Then: Chat Group.
Sign-in first.
80 Points.
"A perfect start. Today is going to be full of energy." He paused. "…Is that something girls usually say?"
He dropped the thought. Talking to himself like this, if anyone could see it, would register somewhere on the scale between eccentric and concerning. He had no witnesses. That was fine.
He entered the Chat Group.
Per expectations, the group had never stopped. Certain members with catastrophically abundant free time — Yukari, the Wandering Earth, Whitebeard — were essentially a permanent background presence.
I'm Rolling In It: I've already been in contact with the top chefs from various countries. And given that several group members are serious eaters due to their martial arts training, the food spread for this gathering is going to be appropriately massive.
I'm Rolling In It: If anyone has specific preferences…
I'm Rolling In It: Uncle Tony can also arrange a few dozen attractive models for those who might want that kind of company. All nationalities available. Ages 18 to 40, no problem. Commanding type, mature type, girl-next-door type — all can be arranged.
Crazy Diamond: Oh man… Stark-san, please take me with you!!
Eternally Seventeen: I have no particular objection to people addressing their physiological needs. However. Little Josuke — are you of age?
Crazy Diamond: …I think I'm still technically a little ways off.
Eternally Seventeen: Hmph! What business does a minor have with that kind of arrangement? If you need to address anything, deal with it yourself with your left and right hands!
My True Form Is Cola: Are we going off track again…
My True Form Is Cola: Actually, I think the age of adulthood in Japan is 20, right? The law was amended in 2018 to lower it to 18, but that doesn't take effect until 2022. And Josuke's timeline is around 1999 or 2000?
My True Form Is Cola: So Josuke has quite a few years before he's legally an adult!
Crazy Diamond: That's devastating. All those beautiful ladies, gone. cries
Edward Newgate: Gurararara — young people, protect your kidneys!
Kaguya-sama: Terrifying — even Whitebeard-ojii-sama is in on it now.
"…"
What were all these people discussing? Models, physiological needs, kidneys — none of this was landing on his comprehension.
Ryū noticed, with some surprise, that he was apparently the purest person in this group. He simply didn't follow any of it. He was clearly a simple, innocent minor who had no idea what these adults were talking about.
…Okay, that was repulsive to even think through to completion.
He cleared his head and flattened the tyre on the vehicle in question.
RawrSoFierce: Surfacing! The charmingly handsome Admin observes that certain activities are ongoing and would like to remind everyone — are you not afraid of a certain crab coming along and snapping things off?
RawrSoFierce: Official statement: the Admin has not participated in any of these discussions, does not understand the content of the ongoing group conversation, has not engaged in any offline arrangements with group members, and categorically denies all allegations. Statement ends.
Terrible Tornado: Official statement: I have likewise not participated in any of these discussions. Yes, that's correct. I am a repeat-function machine operating at one-third capacity. Statement ends.
Kaguya-sama: Me me me! I'm also not involved! Completely uninvolved!
WolfKingOfQingQingGrasslands: Same here. Your Wolf King is extremely pure.
Wandering Little Planet: I don't have much cultural framework but I know how to say "same"!
Admiral Kizaru: Same~!
Eternally Seventeen: Hmph! If anyone here had the accelerator floored, it would be the Admin himself — the speed alone would leave me behind. If anyone should be the first one held accountable, that's him. As for purity — who among you is more innocent than me?
RawrSoFierce: Yukari, your dignity has fallen off somewhere.
Eternally Seventeen: Has it? Where?
Eternally Seventeen: I am absolutely full of dignity every single day!
"…"
Not one word of that was believable.
He would sooner believe in his own daily dignity than in Yukari's.
Asking Yukari to retrieve dignity she'd discarded some unknowable number of centuries ago was harder than — he stopped that thought before it finished forming.
The thought that had almost completed itself was not one he needed to have.
Partly because Yukari would absolutely hit him if he acted on it.
Partly because their combat gap still existed, even if it was narrowing.
Nobody knew exactly where Yukari's ceiling was now. She wasn't the type to show it.
I'm Rolling In It: Ahem! Does anyone have any other requirements? Food preferences, specifically?
My True Form Is Cola: Food preferences?? Fries! Fried chicken! Burgers!
My True Form Is Cola: Also chips! Grilled stuff! Chicken cutlets! And cola!
Kaguya-sama: …These are all junk food?
My True Form Is Cola: Kaguya-senpai, that's the point — junk food tastes better! It might not be nutritious but you can't argue with the flavour!
I'm Rolling In It: Fair point. Uncle Tony's own preference is burgers.
I'm Rolling In It: Just realised I haven't had one in several days. Going out to get a double beef burger in a bit.
RawrSoFierce: Burgers and cola. Haven't had either in months.
RawrSoFierce: Last time was in Kaguya's world.
Edward Newgate: Gurararara! This old man has no strong food preferences — just make sure there's plenty of alcohol, and it should be the good strong kind. Also my appetite is considerable, Stark. Prepare proportionally.
I'm Rolling In It: Completely manageable — I am Tony Stark, after all.
"…"
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