Chapter 33: You Humans Really Know How to Play
In the world of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure—
"Hey, you—the kid with the weird hair! What are you looking at? Keep staring and I'll kill you too!"
The moment those words reached his ears, veins bulged across Josuke Higashikata's forehead.
Josuke's temper was, all things considered, fairly mild.
Sure, he looked like a delinquent.
And technically, he was a delinquent.
But at least he was a good-natured one.
There was, however, one thing in this life that he absolutely could not tolerate: someone talking trash about his hair.
Insulting his hairstyle was tantamount to killing his parents.
As for why this particular trigger existed?
Take that up with JoJo's author.
Josuke had been in a perfectly fine mood. But the instant those words hit him, his expression went dark. His Stand—Crazy Diamond—materialized behind him, radiating a pressure that made the air itself feel heavier.
"You bastard… What did you just say about my hair?!"
Originally, Josuke had only been watching from the sidelines as a robber held up a store.
The robber had grabbed a woman as a hostage.
Josuke, multitasking between spectating and chatting in the group, hadn't really wanted to get involved.
There were plenty of cops around. They could handle one robber.
Better for a high schooler to stay in the peanut gallery.
And then that damned robber… called his hair weird.
Was this guy trying to pick a fight with Josuke Higashikata?
He walked toward the robber. Slowly. One step at a time. He didn't stop until the man was within Crazy Diamond's range.
"I didn't quite catch that. You were saying my hair looks… weird?"
"…"
* * *
While Josuke's expression was turning murderous, the Dimensional Chat Group was buzzing.
Kaguya-sama: Didn't Josuke say before that if anyone insulted his hair, he'd put them in the hospital?
Kaguya-sama: I never expected someone would actually do it!
Edward Newgate: Gurararara! Entertaining kid, that Josuke.
The Little Wandering Planet: Isn't that basically the same as a certain Yōkai Sage?
The Eternally Seventeen-Year-Old Maiden: @The Little Wandering Planet, don't let the Admin teach you bad habits, little Earth. How could this one possibly be so crude? How could this one possibly have such an absurd sore spot? Right?
The Eternally Seventeen-Year-Old Maiden: Please rephrase. Consider this a boundary warning.
The Little Wandering Planet: …Sorry! Forget I said anything!
The Little Wandering Planet felt deeply aggrieved. It had only stated a fact.
Didn't Yukari Yakumo lose her mind every time someone called her old?
The Admin called her "purple granny" on a regular basis.
And every time, she'd spiral into a fit for a good while afterward.
How was that any different from Josuke's hair being his rage trigger?
One was about age.
The other was about hair.
Was it really so wrong to state the obvious these days? Clearly, the world of sentient beings was complicated. It still had a lot to learn before it could properly fit in. What if it accidentally offended some planet-busting powerhouse one day?
Granted, it was unlikely that group members would ever seriously go after each other.
But if someone spent a few Points to Dimensional Transfer onto its surface and then just… jumped…
The Little Wandering Planet declared that its current self absolutely could not afford that kind of damage.
A planet-busting powerhouse bouncing around on its surface.
How terrifying would that be?
* * *
Roughly two or three minutes passed before Josuke, who'd gone dark, resurfaced in the Dimensional Chat Group with a flurry of messages.
Crazy Diamond: That guy who insulted my hair? Taken care of. Feels great~
Crazy Diamond: But I think I might have stirred something up. [Image]
Crazy Diamond: There really are Stand users in Morioh! Also—turns out ordinary people can't see Stands with the naked eye, but the chat group's camera function can actually capture them. Wild.
Crazy Diamond: That thing Admin-dono warned me about… I think it's starting!
The image he'd sent showed a middle-aged man with an expression of pure agony.
The man's mouth was stretched grotesquely wide—dislocated-jaw wide.
Drool leaked from the corners of his lips. Tears and snot streamed down his face in parallel.
And emerging from inside his mouth was a blue humanoid creature.
Its shape was broadly similar to a human's.
But it was small—not full-sized.
It looked as though the thing had crawled up out of the man's throat.
The Eternally Seventeen-Year-Old Maiden: My… what is that strange creature?
The Eternally Seventeen-Year-Old Maiden: It looks more like some kind of spiritual entity.
Crazy Diamond: That's what a 'Stand' looks like in my world! This middle-aged guy is the robber. He was being controlled by this Stand. When I tried to take the Stand out, it slipped away.
Kaguya-sama: So that's a Stand! It looks a bit…
Crazy Diamond: Yeah, this blue one is kind of ugly. But my Crazy Diamond is pretty good-looking, if I do say so myself. [Image]
Edward Newgate: Stand abilities, hm? Gurararara! Interesting!
Edward Newgate: I wonder if one could withstand this old man's strongest blow.
Crazy Diamond: …Most Stands have bizarre abilities, but their raw destructive power isn't actually that extreme. And if you hit Morioh with your strongest attack, old man, you'd probably level the entire town.
Josuke shuddered involuntarily, recalling the scene he'd witnessed when he first joined the chat group: Whitebeard pummeling Blackbeard.
That kind of power—cracking space itself with every swing, triggering undersea earthquakes—could obliterate a city without breaking a sweat.
A walking nuclear weapon. No—worse than a nuke.
Nukes were single-use.
Whitebeard didn't even need his strongest attack. A casual swing of Murakumogiri and Josuke was pretty sure he'd be bisected clean in half.
Without even the ability to resist.
Unless his Stand could interact with time—like his nephew Jotaro Kujo's Star Platinum, which could freeze the entire world for a few seconds.
RawrSoFierce: That blue dwarf Stand should be Angelo's.
RawrSoFierce: @Crazy Diamond, keep a close eye on your family for the next few days. Especially your grandfather. Your grandfather arrested Angelo once before. He'll definitely come for revenge.
Crazy Diamond: Angelo—Jotaro Kujo mentioned him yesterday. He's an extremely dangerous criminal.
Crazy Diamond: That guy is a total psycho. He even assaulted little boys!
The Eternally Seventeen-Year-Old Maiden: Pardon? Assaulted little boys? Angelo… that sounds like a man's name, yes?
Crazy Diamond: That's why I said he's a psycho!
The Eternally Seventeen-Year-Old Maiden: Hss… You humans really do play on a different level, don't you?
The Eternally Seventeen-Year-Old Maiden: Truly… creative.
☆☆☆
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