How do you say 'I love you?'
Do I have to say it at the right time?
Is there right moments to say it?
Why does it feel so awkward or uncomfortable for those three words to leave my mouth…
Everyone else does it soo easily!
"I lov…"
"I lo-lov… yew"
"I lo—"
"Babe, what are you doing?"
Silas came out of his deep thought as his wife, who now carried his newborn son, asked him.
"Nothing." Silas said with a forced smile.
"You're lying, your doing that creepy smile again" his wife called him out.
Shit.
"Now you just swore in your head" his wife said.
"Shit, ins't a swear word" Silas said.
"Yes it is! Imagine our baby, first words isn't Mama or Papa but Shit?"
"Okay, so don't say it around the baby then?"
"But you said it first, and now Im telling you not to say it"
"But I said it in my mind, you said it out loud"
"Fair point" his wife giggled, as she held the baby tight, showing it love and warmth.
Silas watched this moment, slightly biting his bottom lip as fear began to creep into his skin.
Am I ready for this?
What about a day comes my son need to hear those words that can help his life?
Shit! Mia shouldn't of got married to me.
"You said shit again" Mia said, breaking his thought process.
"Huh? Can you read my mind?!" Silas freaked out.
"Of course not! You look like you want to take a shit" Mia said.
"Oh…" Silas said.
But within his mind, he thought deeper. I want to tell her I'm nervous… in fact I'm scared… I've never raise a baby before? What do I do? What do I say? Money! I know babies need money and food also! That should be it… right?
"Are you scared?" Mia asked.
"C'mon Mia, don't ask me silly questions like that. If I'm scared, who's gonna assure you?" Silas said. However, in his mind, As a man I can't show Mia I'm scared… I have to be strong for her… I can't show her weakness right now in this moment… I've got to be fearless.
The newborn baby suddenly levitated toward Silas's point of view, which made him jump.
"What the hell? You scared of your own son?" Mia said as she raised the baby and handed him over to Silas to carry.
"He's your son, so you should carry him also."
"I don't know about that, Mia. These hands of mine… they're not worthy."
"STOP BEING A WUSS AND CARRY THE DAMN BABY!" Mia screamed like a madwoman, beginning to get annoyed. Other nurses rushed into the room to check if everything was okay, only to see a baby crying in Silas's arms as he looked panicked, not knowing what to do.
"Yeah, we're okay. Just my husband is being a baby," Mia said.
The nurses, seeing that everything was fine, left the room.
"Why would you scream like that?" Silas asked.
"Because you were pissing me off!"
"But—"
"You're not a robot, Silas!" Mia stated, which shut him up. She continued, "If you feel a certain way, then tell me. Stop trying to suppress your emotions, and if you're scared, that's fine!"
"I'm not scared."
Mia simply raised her eyebrow, and Silas couldn't keep eye contact with her.
"Fear—such as heights, death, illness, and even a newborn baby—is normal. They're good fears."
"Good fear?" Silas questioned.
"Yes, good fear. It's fear that makes sense—fear that you have a reason to feel, fear that is rational. It would be abnormal if you weren't scared. You're carrying a whole life in your hands. Thoughts like, what if I drop this baby, what if I hold on too tight and hurt him, what if I suffocate him in my sleep, what if the room is too cold and he gets sick—these are all fears, but they make sense. Because we have the power, in a split second, to snuff out that life. And that's good, because it keeps us in check. It's a fear we shouldn't run from or pretend doesn't exist—but embrace, and understand that we are in control of it, rather than it controlling us…"
Silas listened, looking down at his son. The crying had calmed, and the baby was now fast asleep. He took in his wife's words.
"However, fear that doesn't make sense is bad fear."
"Bad fear?" Silas repeated.
"Fear that has no rationality—fear with no reasoning or evidence as to why you're scared, but you're scared for the sake of it."
"What do you mean? Give me an example," Silas asked.
"For example… you have never once intentionally hurt or laid your hands on me, so why are you scared now?"
"But you know my past, you know—"
"Yes! But since then you haven't done anything! It's those thoughts in your head, right? This is why I say you should speak so I can correct you."
"Thoughts? Are you going to say again it's my—"
"Yes I am! And yes it is! It's not you, but your flesh! I keep telling you this! Those thoughts are not your own—you don't identify with your thoughts!"
"Yes, but they're my thoughts, I can't help to not—"
"But YOU CAN! Because if you couldn't, you would've just done everything you thought, right? But you didn't. You're not a slave to your thoughts—we hold them captive. They obey us."
Silas sighed.
"It's that something you picked up from the Journal."
"You know I live my life on that journal. It's the truth," Mia responded, smirking.
"I don't understand you people who believe a book written by someone no one even knows. For all we know, it could be made up, edited—anything."
"But it's the only book that still stands on its own legs," Mia said.
"So what are you going to say next—you're a thief too?"
"No, a reclaimer," Mia said.
Immediately, Silas hushed her, looking around the hospital room to check if anyone had heard.
"Don't joke like that," Silas said sternly.
"Oh calm down, the only person that heard us is our son… you're such a wuss! But you act like a robotic macho man," Mia said mockingly as she laughed.
The Journal his wife spoke about was a book apparently written by an unknown individual from the beginning of history, containing different events and records of things that had occurred. Many scholars had disproved it, while others had proven parts of it. Regardless, Silas thought it was all noise. He loved his wife the way she was, because she loved him—and that was all that mattered.
"Anyway, what are we naming our son?" Mia asked.
"You want me to name him?" Silas responded nervously.
"So other times you want to play your role as a man, but now you want to act oblivious?"
"Ahem, let me think," Silas said as he looked at his child in his arms, only now realising how small, fragile, and cute his son was.
"Hehe, I'm relieved."
"OH MY GOSH!" Mia yelled, making Silas jump again.
"What's the problem?"
"That's the first time you laughed! OH MY GOSH YOU'RE SOO CUTE SILAS!"
Immediately, Silas began to blush in embarrassment.
"Stop saying weird things."
"What made you laugh? You thought of a funny name?" Mia said.
"I'm just glad that he looks like you rather than me."
"Huh? You can tell already? I can't tell myself."
"You can't tell that Ami looks like you?"
"Nah, he literally just came out from me, so how—"
Mia paused, realising an unfamiliar name.
"Who's Ami?"
"You said I should name him, so I thought of Ami."
"Why Ami?"
"Because you're Mia, and he looks so much like you, so I thought to rearrange your name and call him Ami."
Also, because I love you so much, Mia. You changed my life, and I want this boy who carries your looks to change my life further—hence I called him Ami, Silas further said in his mind.
Tears began to well up in Mia's eyes as she wiped them away. "I love it! He's Ami Jacobs! Welcome to the Jacobs Family!"
This moment was meant to be the birth of something new…
But my old habits… just couldn't stay old…