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"Flandre, what do you honestly think of this massive abandoned house? Are you interested in personally building a brand new, bigger Scarlet Devil Mansion right here on this tropical island? You can formally live here as the absolute Eldest Miss in charge, and when Remilia comes to visit later, she can legally be demoted to the Second Miss."
Eating a massive, sweet fruit bowl at the folding table, Leo tentatively, calculatingly asked Flandre.
If at all magically possible, he would much rather just freely give the entire property rights of the farmhouse on Spring Island directly to Flandre; he had absolutely zero practical use for a second, massive house anyway. That way, if the chaotic vampire moved out, the only little roommates he'd have to deal with at night back on the main farm were Chen and Kogasa Tatara, and those two little ones were incredibly obedient and very easy to playfully fool into going to sleep early.
"Heh. Men."
While Flandre was still thoughtfully biting her wooden spoon and happily daydreaming about the promotion, Aya Shameimaru let out a cold, highly disdainful snort from her chair. The Tengu reporter wasn't a gullible, easily manipulated child like Flandre; Leo's incredibly obvious, desperate intentions to clear the bed for some romantic alone time were blatantly obvious to absolutely everyone with a brain. Beside her, Ran Yakumo's golden fox ears twitched violently, and a highly suspicious, deep blush appeared on her beautiful face as she stared intently at her fruit salad.
"Then... can I actually bring Patchouli Knowledge over here to live too?!"
A familiar, highly ambitious, yet strange megalomaniacal dream suddenly surfaced vividly in Flandre's chaotic mind.
In this glorious, tropical dream, she officially became the absolute, undisputed Eldest Miss of the new Scarlet Devil Mansion. The asthmatic librarian Patchouli Knowledge became her personal, overworked Head Maid, the elegant Miss Sakuya was brutally demoted and sent outside in the sun to guard the front gate, and her bossy elder sister Remilia was forced to sleep in the damp, dark basement! Every single morning, her arrogant sister had to formally pay respects and bow to her, and even buying a simple, cheap Fumo plushie online required her sister to submissively, pitifully beg her for allowance, like a sweet, soft, helpless little cake!
And she, the true, ultimate Eldest Miss of the Scarlet Devil Mansion! She lived a glorious, unrestricted life of drinking premium black tea with whole milk, chugging cold cola, and eating raw honey; she could lazily go to bed without ever changing her dirty clothes, strictly demand to read whatever steamy female-oriented romance novels Patchouli wrote in secret, and do absolutely whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted!
"You can! Absolutely no problem! I'll contact Remilia right away to arrange the transfer. If you have any specific, expensive renovation needs for your new mansion, you can go directly to Nitori Kawashiro for the blueprints. I'll personally reimburse fifty percent of the total construction costs!"
Under Aya Shameimaru's highly disdainful, judgmental gaze, Leo's hand actually trembled with sheer excitement as he pulled out his smartphone, opened the direct chat page with Remilia Scarlet, and quickly typed out a highly manipulative message.
Leo: "Eldest Miss, Flandre says she deeply misses her tutor Patchouli Knowledge and desperately wants Patchouli to come live here on the island and formally accompany her."
Ding. Forever Dignified Eldest Miss: "In your dreams, human."
The late Emperor had yet to complete his great undertaking when he passed away midway—no, wait, Remilia, are you sick in the head?! Leo gaped at the phone. It's literally just letting Miss Patchouli Knowledge come to Stardew Valley to play for a few months in the sun; is it really necessary to jealously hold onto her like a dragon hoarding gold?! That massive iron gate of your Scarlet Devil Mansion is just for intimidating show anyway; someone is clearly getting paid a massive salary for doing absolutely nothing all day, Eldest Miss!
Leo: "No, why? Could you really, cruelly bear to let your own sweet sister Flandre live here all alone on a deserted island without a single familiar face from home? You're the most wicked, heartless sister I've ever seen!"
Ding. Forever Dignified Eldest Miss: "Hoho. My absolute, inherent vampire fate tells me with 100% certainty that you are the actual problem here. Although I don't magically know exactly what lecherous or selfish thing you desperately want with Patchouli Knowledge's presence, it's definitely nothing good for my mansion's productivity. My absolute favorite hobby in this long, boring life is explicitly saying 'no' to arrogant, manipulative schemers like you."
Tsk, I absolutely hate you prophecy-types the most; it's exactly like I have absolutely no mental privacy at all!
Leo stared angrily at his glowing phone screen, rapidly plotting exactly how to verbally trick Miss Patchouli Knowledge into coming over without Remilia's permission. Flandre, you're already a mature, hundreds-of-years-old child; you absolutely can't sleep in the same bed with your big brother and sister anymore, okay?! Go live in a mansion with Miss Patchouli Knowledge!
On the other side of the dimensional barrier, Remilia, who was elegantly sipping premium black tea under the red moonlight on her balcony, rested her chin delicately on one hand and held her smartphone in the other. Feeling the smug, victorious feedback her manipulation of fate brought her, she gleefully waited to see what desperate, expensive economic conditions Leo would offer next to bribe her. Wanting to be entirely alone in bed with Ran Yakumo, huh? It absolutely won't be that easy on my watch!
"Oh dear, I accidentally clicked the wrong thing on the touchscreen."
Back in the farmhouse, Leo suddenly let out a very forced, highly unconvincing exclamation of surprise. His treacherous thumb 'accidentally' clicked the system's absolute red [Block/Eject Resident] button on Flandre's profile.
And then, through a highly complex, completely deliberate series of "coincidental accidental touches" on the confirmation menus, a completely bewildered Flandre violently popped out of thin air and appeared directly in front of Remilia on the Scarlet Devil Mansion balcony, officially banned by the World Lord from entering Stardew Valley for exactly three days.
"Huh?" Flandre blinked, holding a piece of pineapple.
"Huh?!" Remilia dropped her teacup, her jaw hitting the floor.
Remilia and Flandre both simultaneously let out a loud sound of utter, profound confusion.
Flandre didn't know exactly why or how she was suddenly, violently teleported back to dreary Gensokyo, while Remilia hadn't expected Leo to ruthlessly flip the entire metaphorical table like this! How could he be such an incredibly petty, sore loser?! If you had just typed a few nice, submissive things and properly complimented my charisma, I would have absolutely sent Patchouli Knowledge over to get her out of my hair! Why on earth did you violently send Flandre back to me instead?! I finally, miraculously managed to send her away to a different dimension for peace and quiet!
"Waaah, waaah! I want to go back and play with Big Brother Leo! I don't want to see my stinky, bossy sister! Stinky sister is the absolute worst!"
After a brief moment of dazed realization, Flandre angrily threw her pineapple piece at Remilia's head, lay down flat on the pristine balcony floor, and started violently, aggressively rolling around in a temper tantrum.
One Flandre having a tantrum was annoying enough to cause migraines, but because her magic was active, suddenly four Flandres were tightly circling Remilia and rolling on the floor, their incredibly noisy, shrill, whining voices bombarding Remilia's sensitive vampire ears from 360 degrees with absolutely no acoustic blind spots.
THUD!
One of the violently rolling Flandres accidentally kicked a delicate iron table leg, and the priceless, antique porcelain teapot resting on the glass table was violently knocked to the marble ground, shattering into a million jagged pieces. The incredibly rare, boiling-hot black tea inside spilled absolutely everywhere, ruining the rug, and the offending Flandre clutched her stubbed foot, wailing even louder.
"Flandre! I'm going to literally beat the absolute crap out of you!"
Her incredibly beloved, irreplaceable black tea had been violently spilled, and the usually composed Eldest Miss's own little pearls of tears were about to fall from sheer frustration. This specific tea was one of the absolute last, highly guarded stocks left in the Scarlet Devil Mansion's vaults, and Remilia only dared to secretly take it out to taste when Flandre was safely away in another dimension. Now a whole, priceless pot had been completely wasted on the floor!
Remilia gritted her fangs, violently pinned down one of the Flandres rolling nearby with her knee, and raised her hand high to deliver a devastating, sonic-boom slap directly to Flandre's bottom.
"Sister! Sister, wait! It wasn't me! The one who kicked the table was that clone Flandre over there! I'm the real Main Body! I'm your actual, blood sister!"
But Flandre's desperate, logical pleas for mercy didn't sway Remilia's furious, violent actions at all. The immense, boiling resentment from being completely outplayed and played for a fool by Leo gathered heavily in her raised hand, glowing with red magic. Three strikes to shatter the mischievous soul, for I, your elegant elder sister, am a highly civilized person!
"How dare you! Everyone, attack her! Four against one, the tactical advantage is absolutely mine!"
With one hand defensively covering her stinging bottom and little pearls of pain rolling in her crimson eyes, Flandre realized that after just a few peaceful days away from the strict Scarlet Devil Mansion, everyone seemed to have completely forgotten she was a terrifying, volatile little troublemaker who could destroy a mountain. To think they dared to violently spank the glorious future Eldest Miss of the Scarlet Devil Mansion—I'll go all out and destroy you!
"Run, run!" "Gulu gulu~!" "Gulu-rin-pa~!"
Seeing things were rapidly going south and Remilia was summoning Gungnir, the three clones immediately, cowardly rolled rapidly out of the room through the connected double doors and then bolted down the hallway. Only the Main Body, Flandre, was left entirely alone on the balcony, aggressively pointing a trembling finger directly at Remilia, who was starting to emit a terrifying, suffocating dark aura of pure, vampiric rage.
"Flan~dre~," Remilia whispered, her eyes glowing like coals. "Haven't I strictly, repeatedly told you? Absolutely don't point at people with your finger. It's incredibly impolite and highly unladylike."
Remilia blurred forward and violently grabbed Flandre's outstretched finger, her tone terrifyingly, deceptively gentle, but the crushing, bone-breaking strength in her small hand was immense.
"Um... I was honestly just joking around just now. Can we please legally settle this peacefully?" Flandre sweated.
"Take my Gungnir!"
"Damn it! In that case, Lævateinn! Take my Excalibur!"
BOOM! A massive, world-shaking explosion of red magic and fire erupted, and the entire, expensive stone balcony of Remilia's master bedroom was violently blown to pieces, sending rubble flying across the lake.
Today's Scarlet Devil Mansion was also exploding exactly as usual.
On the other side of the universe, having successfully, permanently dealt with the Flandre problem, Leo picked up Kogasa Tatara—who was currently happily munching on a sweet cherry—with both hands. He looked into her heterochromatic eyes, his tone very, very gentle and persuasive.
"Kogasa, do you want to be a good girl and go sleep in the other room with Chen today? Master has some very important, grown-up administrative things to do."
"Okay!" Kogasa nodded brightly. "Is Master going to mate with Lady Ran?"
The whole, noisy first floor of the farmhouse went completely, terrifyingly silent. You could hear a pin drop.
Chen blinked her big yellow eyes in pure, innocent confusion; she was just a cute, perpetually hungry little cat and simply didn't understand the biological context of these complex things. Aya Shameimaru immediately covered her mouth with both hands, her entire body trembling violently as she tried desperately not to burst out laughing at the World Lord's misery.
Ran Yakumo's face turned completely, violently flushed, as red as a tomato; she immediately lowered her head, burying her burning face deeply in her chest fluff, absolutely not daring to look at anyone in the room.
"Aba aba..."
Leo stood frozen like a statue with his mouth agape, his brain completely short-circuiting, absolutely not knowing what on earth to say to salvage the situation. Teacher Keine, what on earth demonic, highly inappropriate biological vocabulary have you been teaching the kids in class?!