But the hand resting on my lower abdomen tightened instead.
"Xiao Yuhuang," I said softly, tears sliding down my cheeks, "about your father consort, I am truly sorry. But I am not him."
I took her hand and pressed it to my lower abdomen. "Look. He is still here. He is trying to grow. He is telling me that he wants to live."
Beneath her palm, the slight curve was warm and unmistakably real.
"I know you are afraid," I choked. "I am afraid too. Every time I vomit until my insides ache, every time I wake in the night with my heart pounding, I am afraid. But…"
I lifted my head and looked at her tear-streaked face.
"But this life, since it has come, is the will of heaven. He is your flesh and blood, and mine. If we are unwilling even to give him a chance to live, then are we… worthy of being parents?"
Xiao Yuhuang's lips trembled, but no words came out.
"If it truly comes to that day," I drew in a deep breath, "if I truly must choose, I choose him."
"Yu Zhi!" Her eyes flew wide in terror.
"Listen to me first." I covered her mouth. "I choose him not because I wish to leave you behind, but because I believe. I believe you will find a way. I believe you will protect both of us. Xiao Yuhuang, you are someone who climbed to the throne over mountains of corpses and seas of blood. In this world, what is there that you cannot do?"
She stared at me blankly, tears slipping down in silence.
"So," I picked up the celadon bottle and held it out to her, "this medicine. Will you keep it, or throw it away?"
The candle flame crackled.
Outside the window, the night rain had begun again at some point, pattering softly against the lattice.
A long time passed. A very long time.
Xiao Yuhuang slowly reached out her hand, not to take the bottle, but to grasp my hand. Her hand was cold, still trembling. She closed her fingers around both the bottle and my hand, then slowly pulled the bottle from my palm.
Clang.
She hurled the porcelain bottle to the ground. It shattered into pieces, brown medicinal powder scattering across the floor, looking like dried blood in the candlelight.
She pulled me fiercely into her arms, holding me so tightly I could barely breathe. Her face buried in my neck, scorching tears soaking into my clothes.
"I was wrong…" she sobbed, her voice broken. "Yu Zhi, I was wrong… We will keep him… We will… think of a way together…"
I wrapped my arms around her back and patted her gently, as if soothing a child.
"Alright," I said softly. "Together."
Before the words had fully fallen, a sharp, piercing pain suddenly shot through my lower abdomen. I sucked in a breath, my body going weak.
"Yu Zhi?!" Xiao Yuhuang caught me in a panic. "What is it?"
"It hurts…" I clenched my teeth as the pain spread through my lower belly. Cold sweat instantly soaked through my underclothes.
My emotions had been too agitated. The fetal qi had been disturbed.
"Qin Gugu! Qin Gugu!" Xiao Yuhuang screamed toward the door, her voice full of terror.
The door was thrown open. Qin Gugu and Chunyu rushed in. Seeing my deathly pale face curled in Xiao Yuhuang's arms, Qin Gugu's expression changed, and she hurried forward to take my pulse.
"The pulse is chaotic. The fetal qi is severely disturbed!" she said urgently. "Quickly, help the young master lie down!"
I was settled onto the bed as Qin Gugu swiftly took out silver needles. When the needles pierced the acupoints, the wrenching pain finally eased somewhat. Even so, I was still afraid, afraid that this turmoil had truly harmed the child.
"Baby…" I murmured unconsciously. "Don't go…"
Xiao Yuhuang knelt by the bed, gripping my hand tightly. Her hand was even colder than mine. Looking at my pained expression, all the color drained from her face.
"I was wrong…" she repeated again and again, tears dripping onto the back of my hand. "Yu Zhi, I was truly wrong… Hold on… The child will hold on too…"
After finishing the acupuncture, Qin Gugu hurried off to prepare stabilizing medicine. The room filled with a heavy medicinal smell, mixed with the scent of the shattered Huayu Powder, sharp enough to make one nauseous.
But I held it back.
Xiao Yuhuang kept hold of my hand, her eyes never leaving me. In that gaze, there was no longer the slightest hesitation, only pure fear and remorse.
"I swear," she said hoarsely, her voice as light as a whisper, "from this day forward, I will never harbor such thoughts again. I will exhaust everything I have to keep you and our father and son safe."
I nodded weakly, wanting to smile at her, but lacking even the strength to move my lips.
The medicine was ready. Xiao Yuhuang took it herself and fed it to me spoon by spoon. The medicine was bitter, but I drank it carefully, mouthful by mouthful. This was medicine to stabilize the pregnancy, medicine to keep the child.
After I finished, she wrung out a warm cloth and gently wiped the cold sweat from my forehead. Her movements were clumsy, yet utterly earnest.
The night grew deep.
The pain gradually subsided, and drowsiness overtook me. In my half-conscious state, I felt her hand resting over my lower abdomen the entire time, warm and steady.
Half dreaming, half awake, I heard her extremely soft voice, as if speaking to the child, and as if speaking to herself.
"I am sorry… Mother was wrong… Grow well… You and your father must both be well…"