In the middle of a kingdom's massive training ground, we can find some soldiers sitting around a crate and playing poker.
"Man, those Exceed sure like to feel high and mighty."
"Sure thing, pard. We ought to have fun busting some skulls soon."
"Fucking winged freaks… Treating us like dirt."
"Don't worry, King Faust will break us free from—"
A figure approached them, "Free from what?" a butler asked as he stood menacingly behind them, his face shadowed by the sun behind his head while his monocle shone like the eye of an angel of death.
While the soldiers jumped to their feet in horror at his sudden appearance while he merely adjusted his monocle with one gloved hand, they were starting to think the worst, though one tried to keep his hopes up, "We were talking about how King Faust will break us free from these shackles sooner or later, pard." One of them forced a chuckle.
His friend nodded and laughed sheepishly, "Y-Yeah, we've been working our butts off for a while and got a well-deserved break! It's a matter of time before we get a promotion when he sees we get things done as fast as lightning!"
"And yet you all use magic like it's limitless to play with these toys." The butler replied calmly while grabbing a random sword.
"Put it down, butler." Knightwalker warned him, making the soldiers tense up, "You're way out of your jurisdiction."
"Indeedly so, and I apologize." He put down the weapon, though his monotone made it look like he was mocking her. She barely contained her anger and eyed the soldiers to ponder how to punish them, "Anyway, I came here just for the thrill of finding you and meeting you in another clash… I believe that is the fancy way of saying that I wish to challenge you."
Knightwalker grinned, her spear in one hand, "Then I guess I shall make up for these guys' foolishness and give you a hard time."
"Indeed." He said, kicked a stool between himself and the female knight… and sat at the crate, "After all, I don't think they'd be in my league for a game of poker."
Gaping, the soldiers just stared as the blond butler pulled out a fresh deck of cards still inside the plastic wrapper to prove he hadn't opened the small box, and Knightwalker's eye twitched, "Are you mocking me?!"
"Heavens no, I'd never taunt a lady." He spoke mechanically, making her feel that much more furious, "I mean, why would I be mocking you. I really want to find a proper playmate, and our battle shows you have it in you to give me a fair game."
She growled, but then it clicked, I see, he hasn't heard those two yapping about. Good. I'll torture them later. For now, I'll amuse him. Who knows? I may even get him to tell me everything about the queen to finally fulfill the king's wishes if I beat him. Heh, and then he can be my servant. She smirked at the idea and sat before him, "What are we betting, then?"
His answer was quick, "How about a date?"
"What?!" she felt herself blushing, though it was hard to tell if it was from rage or embarrassment.
"See, that's a joke." He replied in his monotone, "See the difference?"
She groaned and held her face with one hand, "With you, it's impossible to tell." She pulled out a bag of gold coins and threw it at the table, "I'll use my own money as chips, what about you?"
He mimicked her actions, "Same." He then made her sweat when taking the wrapper in an instant and flipping the cards in the air like they were his to control, "Are you ready, Knightwalker?"
"Better believe it." She bared her teeth at him.
He nodded, still stoic, "Good."
"And here's the lady I've been waiting for all my life!"
Hearing Alter say that had Mirajane subconsciously snap a dish in half when Lucy arrived, flustered, "I-I'm so sorry, I didn't expect to make you wait that—"
The inspector cracked up, "Worry not, I'm just pulling your leg with one of my bad jokes. You could lighten up a bit and thus make my day that much better!" he playfully grinned at her with one eye open.
Lucy blushed and sat beside him, giggling internally as she tried and failed to contain a small grin, "You truly like to make girls feel special."
"Like I said, part of the job." He used the brim of his hat to shadow his eyes, which he closed, "And there are many who make it easy like you and Mira-chan."
Lucy turned to Mirajane, "Is he always like this?"
The barmaid gave her a well-acted smile, despite the temperature dropping drastically around her, "You have no idea."
He tipped up his hat and chuckled, "Professional charmer." Then he leaned back and finished the last of his still fresh cider, "So, Lucy, have you a mission planned for today? Or would you like to file a complaint and get a proper restraining order, because I've been hearing ab—"
He was cut short as a mage ran in, panicking, "Erza's coming!"
The entire guild froze in fear with the exception of Mirajane, Alter and Lucy. Alter had seen Natsu tense up while he was fighting some half-naked boy. In walked a true beauty among beauties. Long crimson hair flowed down her back to her generously round and plump backside. Her firm and abundant bust was hidden behind a breastplate that gave an idea of her girl's volume. She had a blue skirt that showed round hips and shapely thighs as well as some details on her strong and long legs. Last but not least, her face was easy on the eyes too. And she was carrying a gigantic horn singlehandedly over her head.
The inspector watched Lucy's shock when the guild tried to act like proper human beings around the pretty redhead, "She's a hoot, ain't she?" he playfully asked the baffled blonde girl.
"Who is she?" she finally asked after Erza got Cana to sit straight and control her booze ingestion.
"Erza Scarlet, nicknamed Titania for being queen of this guild." He shrugged, his warm grin still on his face, "Normally, I'd laugh at the nickname since she isn't really titanic in size. But hey, I'm just happy she gives results and keeps every type of property damage to a minimum." Then he waved at her, "Howdy, Erza-chan! Looking lovely as ever! And is that a gift from your last fight?"
The redhead smiled, "Indeed. The villagers this monster was terrorizing gave it to me to thank me." The horn was coated with expensive jewelry.
When she set it down with a thud, Alter took out his notepad, "You could pawn it if you wish to. I'd recommend doing so—"
"Wait, you can't just tell Erza to sell her gifts like that, you snob!" Natsu shouted at the inspector, who didn't bat an eye and merely put his notepad on the boy's face.
"Read." He told the pinket, "Those are my reports on your performances, Natsu. The guild is, and I remind you that it is many times, legally responsible for what you do. And what you do isn't cheap."
The pink mage turned to Erza, knelt down, and bowed his head on the floor, "Please, help."
Alter took his notepad and then turned back to Erza, "So, I can assume you have another spotless mission to report, right?"
"Yes, and I have something else to say." She started as she looked at Natsu, "I have a mission that I need him for."
"What…?" Alter started, sweating despite keeping his smile in place. The paperwork he was seeing in his near future threatened to drown him in a mountain of papers.
"Him and Gray." She added.
"Beg pardon?" he was trying to keep his smile from not being strained, but the sweat gave away his real worries.
"What is going on?" Lucy asked Mirajane.
She and Alter knew what would happen, and he didn't like it.
After a brief explanation regarding a deadly magical flute, forcing Natsu and Gray to tag along, and the pinkette dragging Lucy into the mix, Alter was in a train with a nightmare team. At least Lucy and Erza were a joy to be with since they acted like humans. Natsu was nauseated as he tried to hold his lunch on the train. Gray, though, could get a shirt for once and keep it glued to himself. And then there was Happy.
Alter started to sense a pattern that built his dislike for felines, "So if we split it up there's fifty percent for Natsu, fifty for me, and the rest for Lucy."
"Wait, what?!" the blonde asked the greedy, tiny, blue cat.
"Worry not, I can do the math for you, Lucy-chan." The inspector said calmly with a grin as he pulled out his notepad, "Because if Natsu and Happy here really are a team, then they would have to use all that money to pay up what they owe. And oh boy is that a heavy amount. They would even have to answer up for your taxes given the fact that you're supposedly getting paid."
When hearing that, Happy didn't look at the inspector and instead laughed forcefully as he walked to his pink-haired partner, "I'm joking, joking! Of course, Lucy has to get her part, she's a good friend!"
The pigtailed busty beauty turned to him with a winning smile, "You won't believe the favor you did for me!"
"I can imagine." Alter answered as he put down his notepad, "Happy's easy to track since he's always with Natsu. And I must make sure anything they break together in a mission is a blow to their wallets. I have tax payers basically making riots at my door when I have to explain why taxes rise when we have to use the money to fix… quite a lot of destruction."
Lucy winced at some memories, "I can imagine."
"Erza's a gift to this world, though." He said with his charming grin present as always, "Polite, determined, very powerful, and quite the looker too in one package. You do make my job a lot more pleasing, though…"
The redhead smiled, "I thank you for your compliment, but why the pause?"
He shrugged comically, "You're perhaps a bit too direct, Erza-chan. You'd possibly try to solve Natsu's nausea by punching him in the gut to get him to sleep it off…" he noticed her eyes shift away, "I nailed it, huh?"
"Just…" Natsu moaned in his pitiful state, "… end… it… please…"
Before anyone could see, Alter's right hand shot forward and delivered a swift, echoing chop that knocked the pink mage out cold, "So dramatic." He chuckled and turned to a surprised Lucy, "Worry not, he could not even feel it. Like I said, I'm tougher than I look. Otherwise I couldn't work along this guild."
Gray grinned at seeing the fire mage out cold, "Heh, I don't know. Natsu's not really as tough as he wants to be. If an office worker like yourself had no trouble getting him to sleep without magic, he must be weak."
Alter grinned warmly at Gray, tilting up his hat with both eyes closed, "You do flatter me, making it seem like all I'm good for is lifting pencils. Say, Gray, I have a matter to attend to with you regarding an improper exposure in front of children and their parents. There are alliances made between PTAs that are after my head because some mage walked around in the buff through a city. Can you enlighten me why?"
The nudist mage chuckled weakly, "W-Wait, you did explain to them it's just a habit of mine, right? One I can't control?"
"I could, but that'd get you in an asylum." The inspector countered, still smiling close-eyed, "So I had to lie and say you're always getting beaten so badly that your clothes rip off. Fortunately, you were fighting, so I had some luck avoiding lawsuits. However, I really don't want to deal with them again if they know of your… bad habit, was it? So be a good boy and control yourself. Or I will have to let you deal with the mess."
"G-Got it…"
Alter turned to Lucy with a beaming smile, spinning his pen in his hand, "Observe and be amazed at my wonderful office worker powers. I can beat even S-rank mages with a single stroke of a pen."
He even took off his hat to bow his head with a cheerful, close-eyed smile, which had Lucy giggling, "How can you be so corny?"
"I thought everyone liked corn?" he amusedly retorted, which got her to giggle more.