Comrade Li Weiwen:
Good Day!
When you read this letter, I hope you will feel no worries or concerns, but simply read it quietly and calmly. I can't claim that this letter can fully express my thoughts and my feelings toward you. After all, this is the first time I have sincerely expressed my admiration and affection for a young woman. But I wish for you to see my true heart and my sincerity. As for what you may think after reading this letter, whether you can accept this genuine feeling of mine, that is entirely for you to decide. I will never force or entangle you because I also have my own pride.
First of all, I would like to introduce my family background. I think you may already know that I am an orphan. My father, Guo Huanting, was from a well-educated scholarly family. In his early years, he took part in the student movement and later, during the War of Resistance Against Japan, he was sent to a certain city to lead the underground work there. My mother, Wei Yuxiang, had already been engaged in the underground activities long before that. She was assigned to cooperate with my father under the guise of being his wife. Yet through this mission they developed true feelings for each other, and with the Party's approval, they turned from a "pretend couple" into the real husband and wife. Later I was born. But when I was only two years old, they were unfortunately arrested and killed by the Japanese invaders. At that time, it was only a few months before the victory of the War of Resistance against Japan. It was thanks to other underground comrades who escorted me to Yan'an that I was able to survive. Thus, my childhood was spent in what people called the 'cradle on horseback'. It was not until the liberation of the whole country that I finally came to Beijing, where I went to primary school, then middle school and later high school. Ever since I was a child, my greatest aspiration was to join the PLA and defend my country. I even insisted on wearing military-style clothes as a boy, which is why people jokingly say that I have over twenty years of military experience. When I grew up, I finally realized that dream. I enlisted in the army and became a Party member, advancing step by step to where I am today. I have always been a determined person, never letting myself fall behind others in any circumstances. With the Party's guidance and trust, I was able to rise quickly. For this, I am deeply grateful to the Party and to Chairman Mao. Without the Party's education and Chairman Mao's guidance, it would have been impossible for me to achieve what I have today. After all, I'm an active-duty soldier from the Xinjiang Military Region. I was originally supposed to carry out regular military duties, but since the Gansu Construction Corps was reorganized into the Agricultural Reclamation Bureau and required some military training support, I was seconded here to assist. When the senior leadership decided to establish the military reclamation farms here and to receive many students from different regions, I honestly didn't expect that I would be assigned to this task. Originally, our agricultural construction division had achieved good results, but the chaos of the past two years of mass rallies and political campaigns had nearly ruined everything we had accomplished. In order to preserve our achievements, it was decided that we should take a new path. So I stepped forward voluntarily and together with Instructor Zhang and a platoon of comrades, I came here. When you all arrived at here, Commissar Lei introduced your backgrounds, giving special attention to a few whose circumstances were rather unique. You were among those he especially mentioned. Thus, both Instructor Zhang and I have known your background for a long time. In fact, within my corps, there are several comrades with special family backgrounds like yours. Even among our cadres, there are such examples. For instance, Commander Yang of the First Brigade was originally the son of a wealthy capitalist family in Tianjin. Yet he became an old revolutionary who had risked his life and took part in the Anti-Japanese War, the War of Liberation and the War to Resist US Aggression and Aid Korea. Dr. Wang at our army hospital had also spent some time studying abroad. In these though environment, they all have devoted themselves wholeheartedly, working diligently and giving everything they have to our country. The reason I am telling you this is to assure you that no one in our troop will deliberately hold your family background against you. We are all young people who have grown up in New China. We have all received the leadership and education of the Party and Chairman Mao. We are all comrades. So please don't let your background or your family be the reason to reject me. You need not worry about on that account.
In fact, after you all came here, owing to Commissar Lei's introduction, I couldn't help but glance at you a few more times. But at that time I had no other thoughts. I simply felt that you were a very special girl, always keeping your head lowered and wearing glasses. I never really looked into your pair of jade-green eyes. It was not until the day you helped Sister Xu deliver her baby that I truly noticed you. I could hardly believe that a girl of only sixteen or seventeen could know how to assist in childbirth. Yet you were so calm and composed, giving clear instructions, pulling Sister Xu back from the very edge of death and thinking of her at every moment. Later, I learned that you had never really had a childhood for it had been consumed by endless recitations and study. This made me reflect: even though we grew up in "the cradle on horseback", dodging bullets and gunfire, we still managed to find our moments of joy and laughter. But you, just because of the color of your eyes, were forced to stay at home to hide away from the gossip and judgment of others. At that moment, I felt a deep ache in my heart for you and I longed to comfort you and to protect you. From then on I began to pay more attention to you ---- your silences, your loneliness, your strength and your smile. And with every smile of yours, I couldn't help but smile myself without even knowing why. It was the first time a young girl had ever swayed my emotions. When I finally looked into your pair of green eyes, I was captivated by them. How beautiful they are! To me, they were truly like the turquoise lakes beneath the snow-capped mountains I once saw in Xinjing. How could anyone feel ashamed because of such beautiful eyes? No, I won't allow it. I want these beautiful eyes to look boldly at the world and to face everyone with courage.
But I was also afraid because I noticed that you always seemed to wrap yourself in an invisible net. Apart from your elder sister and Sister Xu, you rarely interacted much with others. Although everyone here treated you kindly and never mentioned your background (Of course, most of them probably didn't know it) and your pair of green eyes, you still carefully withdrew yourself into that net. Sometime even when you were among us, there was always a sense of distance about you. And I feared that if you discovered how often my eyes followed you, it might startle you and drive you even further away. That's why I tried to hide myself, watching you in ways no one else could notice, making sure that no one would know. I knew it wasn't right but I couldn't control myself. A girl had already moved into my heart and I was powerless to drive her out. I didn't dare confess my feelings to her, afraid that this fragile bond might be shattered before it even began, afraid that I might hurt you, afraid that you would come to fear me. So I endured it in silence but sometimes the struggle was so hard that I was nearly at the breaking point. Until that night by the riverbank, when I saw you, all my restraint finally erupted. Perhaps I even lost my reason. But when you stumbled and fell, it jolted me back a little. Your refusal only stired me further. Seeing you bite your lips made my heart ache. I couldn't bear to watch you hurt yourself like this. So the only thing I could do was to kiss you. I knew that kiss frightened you. To be honest, it frightened me as well. But by then, I could no longer hold myself back. So I began to confess my love to you and ask you to consider me to be your boyfriend. From that moment on, I felt like a prisoner awaiting trial, living in fear of the final judgment, but then I realized you didn't have .... Well, how to put it ? Yes, at first, I sensed your unease and fear. But not long after, I realized that you didn't have thought about my words at all. And the moment I felt that, I nearly went mad ---- restless, desperate, heartbroken. Yet I'm not the kind of person who gives up easily. I had to ask you again, to make things clear. Then when you spoke of yourself, my heart ached even more. You blamed yourself, feeling deeply guilty for your grandfather's death. You held the complicated emotions toward your mother. You were both insecure and proud, both weakness and strength. Your enthusiasm was hidden beneath a shy exterior and your longing was concealed within a distant shell. Discontent and dissatisfaction lay hidden beneath a veneer of indifference, while worry and fear lurked behind a life of mere survival. And it was within this life of survival that you shaped your own destiny and future. I could see it, hear it and feel it that day in the kitchen, from your words and from the trembling beneath them. And all of it only made me ache for you even more.
Weiwen, please allow me to call you this. It was only then that I realized how little I truly knew about you. So I went to the Corps' archives and looked through your records and there I discovered your story at school: your excellent academic achievements, and yet your complete lack of recognition in the political sphere. Any involvement in political activities and the chance for awards had always been beyond your reach. Yes, this is the political reality we live in now. No one can escape it. But is it right or wrong? I don't know. But since it is our Party led by our Great Chairman Mao, it surely must be without mistake. But is this truly fair to you? Is it just? Not only to you but to so many other outstanding comrades who have also suffered unfair treatment because of their origins or reasons beyond their own control. On this point, I can't help but harbor doubts.
I had never known such anguish before. I pondered for a long time, especially over the difficulties I would face if I were truly to be with you. Most of all was whether I could keep my Party membership and my military registration. I'm not a perfect man. I have my own selfishness and considerations. After all, I have deep feelings for our Party and for our army. If I were asked to abandon all of that completely, to be honest, I could not do it. Please, you must understand me on this point. But my feelings for you are so strong that I can't let them go. I have thought it for a long time until I finally asked myself two questions: Am I truly royal to our Party from the depths of my heart, whether in good times or in hardship, whether within the Party or outside it? Do I sincerely devote myself to the people whether as a soldier or as an ordinary citizen? My answers to both was yes. Then what more is there to hesitate about? Besides, that would only be the worst-case scenario. I still have room to fight for this. With my shameless persistence, especially with the help of my uncles' leaders (though some of them have already been pushed aside.), I might still be able to keep my Party membership and my military registration. Things may not come to that point at all. Once I had thought this through, my worries faded. Now there was only one question left for me: it is you. How could I make you accept me? In my mind I rehearsed countless times how I might confess to you again, over and over. Please don't laugh at my childishness and cowardice. But in the end, I never expected it to happen in such a way. I couldn't stand to see Liu Yun embarrass you. I knew she was jealous, jealous of you, jealous of your medical skills. But at that moment, I simply lost control. Driven by impulse, I kissed you again in front of everyone. I knew my impulsiveness hurt you, wounded your dignity. Here I want to apologize to you. But please, please don't turn away from me. Don't hate me! I beg you! Please!
Instructor Zhang sent me to Lanzhou, hoping it would help me to calm down. Frankly speaking, I think it was completely unnecessary because I know very clearly what I want and what I am striving for. Still, I worry about you. I had thought we could have a nice talk but the words you spoke shut every door, leaving me no chance to explain. That left me with a powerless kind of sorrow. Since that is the case, perhaps my temporary departure will make you feel more at ease. But as I have mentioned, I am not a man who gives up easily. I will never admit defeat until the very last moment. That is why I told Sister Xu everything about my feelings for you, asking her to comfort you. Unexpectedly, she said only one sentence: " You two are well matched. Don't worry!" Hearing her words, I knew there would be someone to speak for me and comfort you and with that I could leave with some peace of mind. No matter what it is, I have done my best to fight not only for myself, but most importantly for you, which is to help you cast away your doubts. I don't want you to walk through life alone. I hoped I can be the one to truly cherish you, to protect you and to make your heart no longer remain lonely and timid. Of course, you don't need to overthink it. Perhaps you may never be able to accept me. That's all right. I only hope that this time you can really think it over, nothing more. Whatever happens between us in the future, I sincerely wish you a happy life. In the end, there is just one thing I must say: I love you!
Yours sincerely with a revolutionary salute!
Guo Yungang
May 20, 1968