A/N: Attendance!
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BatMan POV:
Well, the Knights have turned the winery almost entirely upside down and still haven't given up looking for them after overhearing gossip from a few maids.
I wish I could defenestrate these imbeciles off my property.
At this point I should go check the so-called gift before the Knights manage to get to it.
Apparently I might "like and hate" the gift.... great.
Finally the Knights stop arguing and I am able to leave. I walk slowly, visibly irritated as several Knights rush past me.
Going up to the room, I use the key to unlock it and am greeted with piles of boxes stacked within the room as well as quite a few documents on the table....
That is new.
My first choice is to read the obvious main letter addressed to, and I quote, "Mondstadt resident Batman, Diluc Ragnvindr".
What does "Batman" mean?
A sigh seems to accompany my breath for the three-thousandth time today.
Opening the letter I read:
Hark! Thou who dwelleth in shadow and striketh villains most righteously upon their villainous faces!
It is I! The troublesome wretch who descended upon thy world uninvited, consumed thy hospitality with shameless enthusiasm, and now departeth before thou canst present me the bill!
Attend me well, O Resident Batman of Teyvat, for I have left thee treasures most considerable and headaches most inevitable.
I have divided mine gifts into three categories most organized, for I am nothing if not considerate of thy time, thou brooding, red-haired, suspiciously nocturnal vintner.
THE FIRST CATEGORY — INTELLIGENCE MOST ALARMING
I leave thee knowledge of thy enemies, specifically the Fatui, whose schemes wouldst make even thy darkest suspicions seem optimistic by comparison.
Of particular note: the Second of the Harbingers, Il Dottore, whose hands are not unstained by the blood of thy father. I trust thou wilt handle this information with thy customary restraint and absolutely zero vengeful overreaction.
I also leave thee intelligence on La Signora, who operateth within Mondstadt toward a goal most catastrophic which thou shalt find detailed at the letter's end. I recommend sitting down first.
THE SECOND CATEGORY — SCHEMATICS AND RECIPES MOST REVOLUTIONARY
I bestow upon thee the culinary wisdom of mine world entire, that Dawn Winery might serve dishes which wouldst make even the most jaded Fontainian noble weep with gratitude.
Furthermore I leave thee schematics for firearms, equipment for brewing of a sophistication thy current methods wouldst find humbling, methods of food preservation that wouldst eliminate approximately forty percent of Mondstadt's current logistical problems, and techniques of metallurgy that wouldst make thy blacksmith question every choice he hath previously made.
Use these wisely. Or don't. Thou art Batman. Thou wilt do as thou wilt.
THE THIRD CATEGORY — TRINKETS MOST NICHE
I leave thee several functional firearms that thou might understand their effectiveness before committing to production. Please do not shoot Kaeya. He probably deserves it but the paperwork would be considerable.
I also leave thee a collection of illustrated manuscripts depicting the adventures of Batman, a figure from mine world who is, and I cannot stress this sufficiently, basically thee but with worse wine and a butler.
Study them. Reflect upon them. Recognize thyself within their pages. Thou art welcome.
The remaining trinkets I leave thee to discover through time, for some gifts are best understood only when their moment arriveth.
I remain, as always, thy most inconvenient acquaintance,
Sane
P.S. — If Jean asketh whether thou knowest where I went, thou wast asleep the entire time and saw nothing.
P.S.S — If Kaeya asketh the same question, he already knoweth and is simply testing thee.
P.S.S.S — The goal of Signora regarding Mondstadt is detailed on the final page. I recommend reading it alone. And perhaps keeping something breakable nearby for the inevitable moment of controlled emotional expression.
P.S.S.S.S — I used an AI to help write this letter. Yes they have those where I come from. No I will not elaborate.[1]
What.
My anger is fast to boil and soon the paper is burning, yet realizing my mistake I quickly remove the flames.
Unconcerned over the rest of what was here, I am quick to pick up the first document.
The so very obviously—not actually—villains. The Fatui.
The title makes me want to burn it, but I hold my anger down. Opening the barely holding together file, the amount of documents there is countless.
This I will need to address personally in my own study. I check the second file.
Recipes out my ass and into your hands.... Enjoy holding my SHIT!
I. WILL. MURDER. THIS. MAN. NO. "JOKER".
I check the file. In there there is a soft cover book listing thousands of recipes, another book listing all the known recipes across Teyvat, and the last is a smaller file with, just as told, schematics.
Perfect schematics to be exact.... well maybe I won't kill you "Joker"—no, Sane... why do I instinctively call him "Joker" and have a want to throw him behind bars...?
It seems that the last file is simply a book with a few descriptions in the front... and twenty-two sections—not pages—empty in the back.
There are 24 boxes in this room...
What a headache.
I go up to the 25th box that is conspicuously hanging on some kind of bat-themed trinket from the ceiling.... what is this bat theme.
With little force I manage to get the box down. I open it, and to my lack of surprise there is a whole bunch of booklets titled Batman for one thing or another.
Finally a small detail makes my expression sour even more than it already has.
"Why is my face on every 'Batman'?"
Sane POV:
Well shit, finally in Liyue. Talk about a mess and a melodrama that was the final encounter... like damn.
Though now that my mind wanders... has Diluc burned down the winery yet?
I walk to the left of my mom, Xiangling in the front walking backwards cheerfully talking about Liyue, even recommending we visit the restaurant her dad owns.
Considering everything, that sounds like a pretty damn good idea.
While I may not really like the Chinese naming scheme with their often sharp words and names as well as the pronunciation being quite awkward, outside of the language the rest is pretty damn cool!
Oh wait no, there is still the worst part—the stupid immortal cultivation bullshit of WuXia or Xianxia novels. Fuck THAT! Like the progression isn't even god damn progression. The power scale is fucked but honestly every system that has powerscaling is fucked so anyway, the names don't make sense, the classification differences are only added titles, the powers are always some repeat on body strengthening, dragons, phoenixes for females, and swords that can fly.
Where is the god damn originality!!!!!!!!!
A slight tap on my right shoulder and my attention returns. I see my mom with her hand on my shoulder, smiling but tired.
Then Xiangling talks:
"Ya, by the way, I still have plans within Mondstadt and I kinda left a lot of stuff after helping you guys.... So I kinda need to return. Therefore it seems we depart here."
The goodbyes weren't long. Xiangling managed to depart in 30 minutes... wait 30 minutes? Oh right, because my mom had become greatly fond of the girl and had insisted to meet again as well as to pay her for all the trouble we caused her.
I don't mind paying her, mom, but why did you have to frame the questions of her opinion on me in such a romantic manner.
D:K
Anyway, instead of right away heading for Dihua Marsh, we go to the right, for my interest is a bit more north from here.
Oh god, I just remembered the last thing I did—
My face becomes tomato red—
FLASHBACK!
I had just finished the fight with the Fatui and we were hurrying to leave Mondstadt's lands when, to my greatest chagrin, Jean showed up with a squadron behind her and even Amber and Noelle as backup.
DAMN.
Standing in the front, her eyes red and dry, tear marks on her face... why? And a tremble in her arms was Jean.
Staring at me.
Quickly I turned to Cifera.
"Get the two into Liyue."
Without so much as a glance, and before the two could even look at me, Cifera was already gone. All three leaving.
Now it was just myself, slightly tired, very ragged.
"Hey Jean! Been a while—you don't look so good? What happened? Did Klee burn down the headquarters or something?"
At this even the wind stilled. Humorously enough I spotted Venti—i.e. Barbatos—on the top of a cliff edge watching the show about to begin.
The Knights had frozen, unsure how to respond to the dry yet surprisingly concerned tone that delivered such seemingly normal, yet completely absurd, words.
"Come with us, Sane... you will be judged in court." Jean's voice was tired and sad.
"Uh— I don't want to."
Another silence. This time shorter, but even the birds went quiet.
Then Amber stepped up.
"Do not resist or lethal force will be used."
"Oh little red~ still upset I took away your day off?"
Amber's eyes twitched but she said nothing.
"Sane... please... just make it easy for me..." Jean's tone was even sadder now, yet tinged with hope.
"Oh? Do I need to play villain and kidnap the headstrong and righteous Substitute Grand Master, Jean Gunnhildr?" I say, my tone joyful and sarcastic.
One of the Knights in the back chuckled only to be punched by another.
Giggle
Giggle Giggle
Giggle Giggle Giggle~
"Hehehe~"
Chuckle
"HAHAHAha!"
Jean suddenly broke out into joyous, slightly crazed laughter leaving everyone on her side utterly dumbfounded.
Her laughter, frayed by exhaustion and absurdity, rang like wind chimes trembling in a restless breeze.
She stopped then with a smirk and a slightly crazed look in her eye and spoke:
"Why no! Evil villain! I need to defeat you and send you to justice!"
Giggle Giggle
I chuckle then start laughing uproariously as well.
"Nay, I can't be slain, for how could I do evil if I am sent to justice!"
Before this charade could continue, seeing the Knights at a complete stump, the second-in-command—
Amber fired a blazing arrow straight at me.
Though to my delight I was saved by a Knight in white!
"Oh my! Even the villain has a knight in shining armor!"
Of course by the cape I knew who it was... it was Kaeya. I don't know when he got here but damn that was the perfect entrance... also where'd he take that pale white shining armor from??
Giggle
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Oh the vile villain has corrupted an upright knight of the light! For look, one is protecting him at this very moment!" Jean's slightly insane voice broke the tension that occurred after my declaration.
Coming out from behind the "shining knight" I can only grin.
"See! I am the villain, the final calamity! You cannot defeat me, for I have already stolen Mondstadt's heart, and this Knight is but a bonus!"
Barbatos on the top of the cliff has yet to blink... damn creepy.
"Evil villain! You cannot defeat or sway justice! Come with us and be judged by the people for your crimes!" shouted one of the Knights....
Myself, Jean, Noelle, Amber, and Kaeya—even Barbatos—all turned to him.
Then taking this in stride, Noelle declared:
"He is right! Evil will not prevail, surrender now!"
"Ah but Sane gains nothing if Sane were to surrender, for Sane does not want to surrender. Sane wants to do evil for Sane is the final calamity of this chapter!" I shout as loudly and as arrogantly as I can muster!
"Hahahahah!"
Jean slightly keels over laughing. Soon Kaeya follows, his voice though unheard.
Amber just drops her bow and sits down. Noelle has moved forward, her broadsword in her hand, a maiden of sword ready to cleave an army.
"Well if thee insist then Sane must ask for compensation! Sane must ask of the fighters of justice his most selfish request yet. A request so selfish that it would freeze over hell and set heaven ablaze." Arrogance pervades my voice as I walk forward, my arms open wide, my chest forward, my head looking at the cloudless sky.
"Oh it is a tragedy I must ask of this but if I surrender I request this in return: a true French kiss from Acting Grand Master Jean Gunnhildr!"
The laughter dies instantly. I watch as even the Knights who were laughing moments ago lose their balance in shock. Amber has now just buried her face in her knees unwilling to acknowledge this poor imitation of a theater drama.
Noelle had dropped her claymore, her face flushed and her eyes looking at the ground unable to process the situation.
Kaeya was clanking around in the armor laughing and rolling around on the dusty road unable to stop.
Jean was currently just frozen, not even breathing.
Then a presence that startles everyone speaks:
"Evil doer! Cease your actions immediately."
On the top of a slightly elevated hill now stood what appeared to be a short 10-year-old kid with a spear and a demonic mask.
Wait no, sorry not a kid, Xiao stood there... I mistook him for a moment.... he was just too sma—
He pointed his spear at me and spoke:
"Stop harassing these people."
Jean sighs, pulling herself together then speaks:
"Go you fool, while I am still in a good mood."
Then with a nod I just start walking. Nobody stops me. Only after I get to the Dihua Marsh do I hear the wind carry a voice:
"Fool, I would have accepted."
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Words: 2300
Powerstones if I cooked please?
Comments on what could be better please?
2:20am creativity spike be like.
[1] hey it is canon, Sane has access to the internet!