Mitra stood for a while, lost without a direction for her thoughts. She wasn't sure if she was feeling pleasant or anxious. After a few moments, she sat on one of the big boulders which had been her usual seat. She felt like she was waiting for something to burst.
The unease, nerves, spiked heartbeat, none of it was normal. The sun sunk deeper into the horizon, turning darker crimson and soothing its glare finally. The breeze turned cooler than before.
Sound of twigs being treaded upon crept up to Mitra's ears.
Footsteps, faint at first and then getting prominent as they neared her, lit the fire of agitation and apprehension in Mitra.
Is it finally time to catch the culprit? Had he followed me to the cove? But I hadn't noticed him anywhere on the way.
Doubts, prospects and thoughts ran wild in those few seconds.
A figure peeked through the gaps in the tree cover, moving towards the cove.
Mitra grabbed her knife as tightly as she could and covered in a defensive posture, her arms extended forward with the knife poised for strike in her hands. She didn't realize how fast she was breathing and how loud her heartbeat sounded.
The person emerged from the trail into the cove, stepping cautiously.
Mitra locked her eyes with his, frozen in her disposition.
"Mitra?" his voice trembled a little, taken aback by Mitra's position with a knife in her hands.
"Vishal?" she breathed a whisper of surprise and relief.
Vishal inched a little forward, minding his every step towards Mitra. He was too shocked for finding his friend in a very unusual stance. Eyeing the knife doubtfully, he finally managed with a nervous chuckle, "Do we really need to start a violent fight here?"
Mitra slowly lowered her arms as she straightened herself into a relaxed pose. "I... I thought it was someone else," she answered.
The grey of her conviction and disquiet subsided and she started regarding the face of the person she had so longed for; the slight smile on his lips, the frown of concern on his brows, the joy of seeing her in his eyes. He looked bright.
Her lips curved into a sad smile first and then stretched to a wide grin.
He reflected the same happiness as he stepped towards her saying, "Finally!"
Standing a few inches away, he stroked her head in an intimately petting manner. "You couldn't have waited at home, could you?" he remarked, masking his concern with a tone of wit.
"How did you know I would be here?" she asked.
"Really? How else? I know you better than anyone. If I go wandering off all of a sudden even you would know the top places to search for me."
He motioned her to sit down on the boulders and sat to her side facing her.
Silence ensued as he studied her closely. She looked pale with most of her weight shed and had dark circles around her eyes. She had a smile which didn't quite reach her eyes.
"You haven't been sleeping properly," he noted.
Mitra took a moment and then nodded slowly.
"Nightmares?"
She nodded again.
Almost instantly Vishal could picture what her nightmares could have been.
"So, college! We are finally turning into adults," he said cheerfully, trying to divert the topic.
Mitra chuckled half-heartedly and remarked, "Yeah, as if that is going to solve all my problems."
"Come on, we used to plan so much about all the possibilities for us to do good things when we grow up," he nudged playfully.
"Really? You think I can do good things? After what I had done?"
The words pierced through his musing. He regarded her expressions, looking directly through her.
She was so easy for him to read even after so many years.
She was in depression. Something he wasn't sure how to help her with.
He took her hands into his and pulled her to face him.
"You really think you could have saved her?" he asked her seriously. "You are so foolish Mitra. You have no idea what everyone thinks. You have no idea what I have been thinking since that day. It could have been you who was murdered. Had you not walked away that night and tried to interfere with the kidnap, they could have killed you as easily and terribly as they had killed her."
That was something that Mitra hadn't realized.
It was only a fleeting moment when she had looked at Lekha's face and decided not to help her. Mitra hadn't even glanced properly at the culprit. Would he and his accomplices have really kidnapped Mitra had she raised alarm and not stepped away?
They might have. Who knew?
The conflict on her face was evident enough for Vishal to understand her predicament.
"But..." she began.
"It's an obvious possibility Mitra," Vishal cut her across. "Do you know how many times I felt grateful that it wasn't you they found dead here? Thank god you too didn't suffer that night like her. Three monsters wouldn't have left out someone as fragile as you on the way without dragging you away. Had you not turned back you would have faced horrors far worse than death before they killed you."
Mitra could feel a little shine creaking into her lulled mind, which went dark again.
"Death might be much better than guilt," she said with a wistful smile, standing up in an attempt to hide the tears now piling up in her red eyes.
Vishal shook his head in denial as he stood up too facing her. "Do you really have no regard for your family or me? Do you think had you died that night we wouldn't have been affected? I would have felt horrible for not walking you home like always, making myself feel guilty for letting you in the reaches of those monsters and losing you. Would you have been okay with it?"
It was clearing up a bit for Mitra. The start and end of guilt and the blame game seemed never-ending now. It felt like at any point of time, in either of the circumstances, one of them was always going to be guilt-trapped for crimes that were beyond their control.
For once she felt thankful that it was she who was suffering emotionally and not the boy she loved.
"I look hopeless, don't I?" she asked, trying to smile wistfully.
Vishal mirrored her expression as he differed with a shake of his head. "You just look frail. Seriously, where's the girl who could eat a whole roasted chicken?"
Mitra chuckled.
Vishal's eyes flickered with empathy as he iterated, "Don't let the past shackle you down, Mitra. You are a good person."
"You are much better than me."
Vishal pondered with a 'hmm', rolling his eyes and then decided, "Nah, it is too conditional. Sometimes you are much better than me. Let's do this. We both can be 'a good person loved by a better person'. We won't debate on who's the better one."
Mitra laughed, the first time in three years. "Sounds good," she said brightly.
The smile deliberated on her face for a moment before thinning into pursed lips. "Do I really deserve to be happy?"
"More than anyone. You did everything you could. Including coming here with a knife to catch the culprit yourself."
Mitra was surprised. "How did you know that?"
"Isn't that obvious? I knew it as soon as I saw the way you stood with the knife in your hands, as if you were trying to stab someone."
Mitra could see through the depths of his eyes. Yes, he was also obvious for her to read, just as she was to him. She could see his piled-up feelings of concern, longing and love behind the playful spark in his gaze. He was so true to himself and to her. He didn't shy away from being honest about his feelings.
"You are really good to me," she said without another thought.
"I think I just clarified that."
Mitra shook her head. "No, I mean from the start. From the first day we met, you have been so good to me. It'sjust so... I don't know. I must be really lucky to have a friend like you."
Her eyes flustered as she organized her thoughts. Vishal took a step towards her, his hands on her shoulders. "Weren't you the same?" he asked slowly. "You really need to stop feeling insecure about yourself."
"I... I am just scared. Nothing makes sense to me anymore," Mitra muttered.
Vishal inched closer to her as he said softly, "It's okay. We will figure it out and get you back on track."
"I miss my old self. She was so intense and quirky," she whispered in forlorn.
"You are much more than that," he murmured, just a few inches away.
Mitra could feel the warmth of his presence, a resuscitation of her own emotional reach towards an unseen optimism seeding in her mind. Maybe there was redemption and absolution after all. Maybe it was time she gave up on trying to purge herself of a sin she had had no control over.
Maybe it was time to finally leaned on someone and asked for help. Help to get back to her true self, and something much better. If she could be loved by someone better, then maybe she could attain the status of the better of the two someday.
She closed her eyes and swayed forward, leaning into her best friend's arms, burying her head in his shoulder as he embraced her tightly. It was comforting and she felt like she could let go of everything at last.
It was time for her to grow up and become a better person.