[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION: READER SATISFACTION DROPPED.] [REASON: MISSED OPPORTUNITY TO USE 'TETANUS BOLT' ON CASSANDRA TO DISABLE HER SKILLS. PLOT HOLE DETECTED.]
'Listen, bud,' Mordecai thought, dismissing the notification with a mental swipe while sweat trickled down his back. 'Did you see what she did to Pyroetta? You don't poke a Yandere Banshee Lawyer with a rusty spoon unless you have a death wish. Besides... I have the sensation that a group of adventurers is approaching. I need to save mana.'
At the sight of the true Landlord of that place, Cassandra Lex, the Iron Banshee, did not scream in terror and did not flee. The bone gavel slipped from her trembling fingers and dissolved into dust before it even hit the ground. But she wasn't shaking from fear. She was shaking from ecstasy.
A shiver, intense and electric, shot down her spectral spine, causing her form to flicker violently. Her pale, ghostly cheeks flushed with a deep, neon blue—the color of a Spirit who has just found the ultimate loophole.
She adjusted her glasses with shaking hands, her breath coming in short, ragged gasps. She stared at Mordecai not as a monster, but as the Holy Grail of Litigation.
"That aura..." she whispered, her voice dripping with awe. "That ruthless resource management... that total disregard for inferior regulations... It's beautiful."
She saw the Violet Eye, and her mind raced through the ancient texts she had studied in life and death. "The Prophecy..." she gasped, clutching her chest. "Article 9 of the Apocalypse Regulations... 'When the True Administrator returns, the Red Tape shall burn, and the bureaucracy shall bend to his will.'"
Slowly, reverently, she floated down until she was kneeling on the air itself, clasping her hands together as if praying to her new Fiscal God.
"Oh, Lord Aldmax... you have returned to conduct the Final Audit," she moaned, biting her lip. "My contract... my Soul-Bond Covenant... I can feel it rewriting itself! It's updating the terms of service in real-time! I am yours. Legally, bindingly, irrevocably yours."
She looked up at him, her eyes swirling with the madness of a Yandere whose obsession wasn't love, but Law. "Please, my Liege! File me! Categorize me! Use me to sue the gods themselves! I want to draft your cease-and-desist orders until the end of time!"
Mordecai took a step back. Then another. His violet eye, usually the symbol of absolute terror, twitched visibly.
He had expected fear or an average boss fight where he had to scream his spells and dodge random skillshots. He had even expected a boring negotiation about property taxes, but he had not expected a spectral (very hot) woman to look at him with the same expression a starving wolf gives a prime steak—if the steak was made of stamped government forms.
"Uhh..." Mordecai stammered, his "Overlord Voice" cracking slightly, revealing the confused electrician underneath. "Miss... Lex? You are... vibrating. Please stop."
"I cannot stop!" Cassandra wailed, clutching her own shoulders as if holding herself together. "The structural integrity of my spirit is being rewritten by your sheer administrative presence! It's... it's exhilarating! I've never felt so compliant in my entire afterlife! HAHAHAHAH!"
Mordecai looked around the empty courtyard, hoping for a hidden camera or a System Admin to tell him this was a prank. 'What the hell is happening?' he thought frantically. 'I just wanted to intimidate her a little. Did I use too much mana? Is this a glitch? Why is she looking at my signature like it's a marriage proposal?'
He cleared his throat, trying to regain his composure. "Listen," he said, holding up a hand in a gesture meant to be calming but which Cassandra interpreted as a divine command to freeze. "I think there has been a misunderstanding. I am Mordecai. I bought this place from a guy named Geoffrey. Who is this... 'Aldmax' you are referring to? And why are you blushing in neon blue? It is statistically unsettling." He asked the questions with feigned ignorance, channeling the energy of a dense protagonist who needs three episodes to understand he is the Chosen One. He perfectly knew who Aldmax was.
Cassandra gasped, her spectral glasses fogging up with emotion. "Oh, such modesty! To deny your own divinity! You test me, my Lord! You test my faith in the Great Bureaucracy!" She crawled forward on the air, reaching for the hem of his robe. "You ask of Aldmax? He who codified the Laws of Death? He who proved that the Soul is just a depreciating asset? Who tried to fix this broken world and live peacefully? You are his echo! His ink! His... Audit!"
"Okay, seriously, stop saying 'Audit' like that," Mordecai said, feeling a cold sweat break out on his back. "It's a financial term, not a... whatever you think it is. Stand up. You are making this weird. I just need the keys to the gate and maybe a list of repairs."
"Repairs..." she moaned, biting her lip so hard it nearly phased through her teeth. "Yes... punish the infrastructure, Daddy! Discipline the masonry! I will draft the work orders! I will make the bricks sign waivers!" She said, moaning in pleasure and arching her back a little.
Mordecai massaged his temples. This was worse than the goblins. At least goblins just tried to stab you. They didn't try to seduce you with paperwork. "System," he whispered. "Is there a 'De-escalate Horny Ghost' command? Or a 'Restraining Order' spell?"
[SYSTEM NOTICE: TARGET 'CASSANDRA LEX' IS EXPERIENCING A 'LIMIT BREAK' EVENT DUE TO EXPOSURE TO ADMINISTRATOR AUTHORITY. NO KNOWN CURE EXCEPT TOTAL BUREAUCRATIC SATISFACTION.]
"Great," Mordecai muttered. "Just great." He looked down at the shivering Banshee. "Look, can we just pause the religious ecstasy for one second? I need you to explain this 'Prophecy' calmly, without moaning. Article 9? What does it—"
He never finished the sentence.
A sudden, searing wave of heat washed over the courtyard. It wasn't the cold chill of the grave. It was dry, blistering heat. The kind that comes from an open furnace door. The blue spectral light surrounding Cassandra was instantly washed out by a deep, violent crimson glow.
Mordecai turned his head. Cassandra stopped her trembling, her eyes widening behind her fogged glasses.
And in that moment, Mordecai realized what had happened, just before a familiar screen appeared in front of him.
[SYSTEM ALERT: COMPANION 'PYRA' STATUS CRITICAL UPDATE!]
[STATUS: CHARMED/AROUSED HAS EXCEEDED MAXIMUM THRESHOLD.] [CURRENT LEVEL: 999 / 100.]
[ERROR: TSUNDERE_OS V1.2 CRASHED. INITIATING EMERGENCY REBOOT.]
[INITIALIZING FACTORY RESET...]
[RESTORING: FLAME_WITCH_ADMINISTRATOR_PROTOCOLS (LEGACY VERSION).]
'Oh, Fuck.' Mordecai thought. 'I made another mistake. I miscalculated her time of recovery. And now the warranty is void.'