The room had begun to grow cold around her, only noticed when she saw the way Letari's lips had turned an odd purple colour, her eyes were wide in her fear, but Etani could only see that in glimpses, her mind on Uzo and flicking back, then to Uzo again, his laugh and the mental image of him and Letari together.
She didn't know when it had happened, but her breathing had become ragged as she flicked from stabbing thought to stabbing thought, all circling around the fact that she had never once shown Uzo that she loved and cherished him.
She had never given him even a hint at the depths of her respect and adoration for him, or for all he had done. Daemon was right, she had never shown him that she loved him, and as a result, she didn't think she deserved that love.
Tears welled in her eyes, and she turned away from the shivering Letari at a grip on her other arm. Daemon's hair was covered in frost. He shook her but she couldn't hear what he was saying.
Uzo had been angry at her like that so many times, fearing her and fearing for her as she struggled and fought to be what was needed. But in the end, he hadn't had that chance to see what she was.
He shook her again, his fingers digging painfully into her arm, but she welcomed the pain, knowing she deserved the punishment. He should do worse to her; she didn't deserve to live when Uzo was gone.
She didn't know when the tears had begun to fall but they had frozen on her cheeks as her grief manifested in Winter and she looked up to see snow falling from the ceiling, an inch thick on the carpet.
Her eyes lowered to Daemon, his face was fear given form, and she watched as his hand flung out. Her cheek burned like fire, but she could only stagger back from him, reeling.
Yes, she deserved to suffer for everything she had done. He needed to do worse to her and her face was drawn as she turned on him, but it wasn't Daemon she saw in that instant.
Her heart shattered as Uzo stood before her, his face stern and his eyes sad.
No one else seemed to see him but she did, and she drank him in, desperately wanting to see all of him.
Her hand rose for him, she felt his cheek under her fingertips, soft and cool. He smiled at her; his voice too distant to hear what he was saying.
"I can't hear you," she breathed.
He seemed to find that funny, calling something else, but she could only shake her head, wind whipping away his voice before it reached her.
His face went pale, and he looked down, her eyes following to the grey that started at his feet and when she looked up, she was on the field again.
Her body flung forward for him, but it was like moving through thick mud, her body refused to go. His hand was raising for her, slow and blurring.
He called to her, but she couldn't hear the words, she would never know what it was he said in that moment.
She forced herself to move faster, but the more she tried, the slower her body seemed to move, he was leaving her. She wasn't going to make it.
Her hands stretched for him, but it didn't matter how close she got, she wasn't able to reach him, and tears blurred her vision.
She tried to wipe them away, unable to miss a single second with him. The grey had reached his knees, was creeping up his thighs. She needed to run faster, she needed to get to him but there was so much rubble, so many corpses and they slowed her down.
He was screaming for her, begging her to save him, and his screamed words made her ears ache, made her heart clench. He needed her but she couldn't reach him.
She was desperate, terrified and still he was outside of her reach, still he was moving away from her.
The grey had reached his waist, and he seemed to realise that she wasn't able to get to him.
She saw his disappointment in her failure, the accusation in his face that she hadn't tried hard enough. She focused on his lips as they moved, desperate to know what his last words to her were but they were different to what she had seen on the field.
'You were never good enough to save me,' they said, and her world shattered.
She screamed as his form splintered into rubble, her knees giving out and she fell forward onto her hands.
The stone that was Uzo cut her palms as she fell, her blood was bright against the grey, mocking her.
She screamed for him and she screamed for herself, her own loss time and time again. Uzo, her sisters, her child, her parents, all dead because of her.
She was the curse they were all forced to endure and try to survive. It was all because of her that they had all died and she would forever walk that world destroying others.
She was a plague; she was the one who destroyed. She was no Goddess, not unless she was the Goddess of destruction. Why hadn't she simply given in to Cain and let him end her? So many would still be alive, so many would be happier.
Uzo's face was burned into her mind, his disappointment and his anger that she had failed him.
She wanted him to forgive her, she wanted him to know that she had tried, but it was her story, she was never going to be good enough to save a single person she loved. They were all going to die because of her.
Arms had found her, and she had stopped screaming, but she was sobbing with no will to stop. They embraced her tightly, crushing her even as she struggled to breathe and realised it didn't matter if she was capable of breath. If she died, she might be able to find him.
If she was dead, she might be able to be with him. What if he was waiting for her in the spirit world?
She forced herself free of the hands and searched blindly for anything that could help, her fingers finding a sword and she smiled at the blurry thing.
She couldn't see through the tears, someone shouting as she spun the thing, and her world went black as the blade cut cleanly through her throat.
***
It was one of the certain ways to kill most creatures, decapitation. It was certainly effective on her.
Finding herself on the passage, she immediately stood and spun, searching the faces around her, searching them all for the one she needed. She reached for their minds and their pasts, but there was nothing, none of them knew who she was asking for and she had begun to get desperate, searching for him blindly, ignoring the fraying of her own connection to life.
Surely, he hadn't already been reborn? Or was it possible that he simply wasn't there because his soul had been obliterated?
The thought terrified her, searching with a new desperation, her voice echoing as she called his name but there was no response, there was no Uzo, and the pain of that knowledge left a physical mark on her soul. It was a vicious violet slash, and she looked at it as it crossed her body.
It would have been pretty if it was not so terrible, and when she reached the end of the path, she knew there was no finding him there. She knew he was gone.
She returned to life only unwillingly, wishing beyond anything that she had imagined it all and Uzo would be waiting for her back at Ayathian. Even as she swam out of the pool and dragged herself naked and shuddering onto the stone floor, she curled in on herself and cried at the knowledge that he was gone. He was never coming back.
It was like she had lost him all over again, that last shred of hope vanishing like a candle. She didn't care that the guard had gone for help, nor that she was incredibly vulnerable there on the ground, she only cared that her world was ending, and she no longer had any hope of ever seeing him again.
He was there with her, his smile sad but accepting as he touched her cheek. She couldn't feel him this time and she stared up into his face, greedy for him as he began to fade.
"Don't leave me!" she cried, but he only shook his head, his hand going to his lips and then to her cheek. "Please Uzo, don't leave me. I can't live without you" "she begged, her vision blurring with her tears but when she reached for him, he was gone.
Curling into a ball on the ground, she gave into her pain and simply cried until hands found her, and she was bundled up against a warm chest, arms tight around her.
She didn't care who had her now, nor what they were going to do with her. She didn't care why they had bothered to pick her up nor if they planned to slide a knife into her, she was empty and lost.
A dark skinned hand touched the underside of her jaw and she looked up slowly to find a grim faced Drizdan looking down at her, taking in her face before a needle pricked her arm and something was injected into her from a face she didn't care enough to try to find.
She didn't care that he had her, he could do whatever he wanted with her body, it was no longer important.
Her head began to spin after only a few seconds and she blinked slowly, her head against his chest as she considered the direction he was taking her. It wasn't up the spiral city but instead it was back down towards the gates, and she was only distantly curious at the sight of the gateway as he carried her towards it and her head finally slumped back, limp in his arms.