Dunphy House
Breakfast at the Dunphy house started like any other Saturday: with the smell of pancakes and the usual chaos.
"Those pancakes smell wonderful," Claire said, approaching the kitchen. "What are you doing with them?"
Luke was on the floor with a huge garbage bag full to the brim with plastic bottles.
"Luke and I are doing a recycling campaign," Alex said proudly, drying her hands on a rag. "If we collect enough bottles, they'll build a school in Africa."
Luke nodded enthusiastically. "Wouldn't it be great to go to a school made of bottles?"
"It would certainly be a special school," Claire said with a forced smile, not quite sure how to react.
Phil came into the kitchen with his phone pressed to his ear and his bathrobe on. He gestured for everyone to be quiet.
"Mrs. Patterson, don't worry. The house has... rustic charm. That's what makes it special," Phil said quietly, trying to stay calm while closing the refrigerator door with his foot. "No, it's not an old house. It's a house with... personality. Yes, personality. And the roof doesn't leak, it just sweats. It's eco-friendly."
Claire looked at him with a mix of confusion and resignation.
"Did you hear what I said, parents? 'Special school'?" Luke asked innocently.
Haley's scream cut through the entire Dunphy house like a shockwave.
"I broke up with Dylan!"
I was in the kitchen with Alex.
"Finally," Alex said without looking up from her notebook, with contained satisfaction. "She'd been threatening to do it for weeks. Dylan took her to see an Anne Hathaway movie and spent the whole time crying."
"Crying?" I asked with disbelief.
"He said it 'spoke to his soul.' Haley said his soul should learn to shut up," Alex replied dryly.
From the living room, we could hear Claire trying to console Haley.
"Honey, you'll find someone better," Claire said with a calm but tense voice. "Someone with... common sense."
"There's no one with common sense," Haley shouted with frustration. "They're all idiots. Every single one of them. Dylan was just the idiot I chose."
"That's a very mature way to see it," Claire said with surprise.
"I am mature. I'm very mature. That's why I need a mature boyfriend. Someone who doesn't hit his head on the garage door every time he rides his bike. Every time, Mom. Every damn time," Haley exclaimed with fury.
Alex finally looked up from her notebook, eyes shining with satisfaction.
"This is going to be entertaining," Alex said with a malicious smile.
"Schadenfreude?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Absolutely," Alex replied with glee.
Phil paused his call. "I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry for both of you. I'll have to write him back later."
"Hmm. I need to shower. I'm going to be late," Claire said, looking at her watch.
"Where are you going?" Phil asked.
"I'm going to meet my friend Valerie. I haven't seen her in 15 years. We used to work together," Claire replied.
"You worked?" Luke asked with genuine confusion.
"I can't picture you working," Luke said with offensive innocence.
"Luke, let me tell you something. That is very offensive to women," Claire said with severity. "Your mom works very hard. It's just that now she works for us."
Phil nodded from the phone. "You should know I had a pretty good little career. I was an account manager at Starcrest Hotels. I had a little cubicle, and I wore my tennis shoes to work and changed into my heels. I was very Working Girl."
"That movie is great," Alex said without much interest.
"I don't mind saying I was making quite a stir," Claire said with nostalgia.
"Well, then, why did you quit?" Haley asked.
"Well, Haley, call me old-fashioned, but I wanted to focus on raising a family. So I married your dad. Five months later, we were four months away from having this little bundle of joy," Claire said, pointing.
An hour later, the house had descended into a special kind of chaos. Claire was trying to get ready to meet Valerie, an old friend from work she hadn't seen in fifteen years. Jay had called Mitchell to come give Gloria legal advice after a car accident. And Dylan had started circling the block on his bicycle, playing sad music from his iPod.
"I can't believe he's doing this," Haley said from the window, arms crossed with contempt. "It's so... cliché."
"It's romantic," Claire said without conviction, though her voice suggested she didn't fully believe it.
"It's pathetic. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic for ever having dated him," Haley said with self-loathing.
"You're not pathetic, honey. You're just... young," Claire said with tenderness.
"Young and pathetic is the same thing," Haley replied bitterly.
I was sitting on the couch with Alex, pretending to read a book on thermodynamics while watching the drama. Phil was in the kitchen trying on a new soup strainer on his head.
"Your family is a lot," I said quietly to Alex.
"You're just realizing that now?" Alex asked with irony.
"I'm noticing it more today," I replied.
Alex looked toward the window, where Dylan had just completed another lap.
"He's going to keep doing that until she talks to him," Alex said with certainty.
"Should she talk to him?" I asked.
"He took another girl to see an Anne Hathaway movie. He deserves to suffer," Alex replied firmly.
"That's cruel," I said.
"That's justice," Alex replied with a smile.
The Beginning of the Collection
Claire went to shower. Phil was still on the phone, growing more desperate by the minute.
"Mrs. Patterson, I'm not going to lie to you. The carpet has a stain, but it's a stain with history. Once, Luke spilled hot chocolate and it formed a figure that looked like a raccoon. That has artistic value," Phil said with a nervous smile.
Alex approached Luke with an empty garbage bag.
"Luke, let's go. We have a lot of ground to cover. The neighbors on Maple Street had a party last night. There are going to be bottles everywhere," Alex said with determination.
"Bottles of what?" Luke asked with curiosity.
"It doesn't matter. Just put them in the bag and don't ask questions," Alex replied evasively.
I was sitting on the couch with a book, pretending to read. Alex looked at me.
"Are you coming?" Alex asked.
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Dylan cried during an Anne Hathaway movie.
Haley dumped him.
Dylan rode around the block for hours.
What's worse? Dylan crying over Anne Hathaway or Luke mistaking Jägermeister for herbal medicine? 🎥🍾🐀
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