The refectory felt noisier than normal.
"Hey, do you know what's happening at the backstreets yet?"
"What is happening?"
"It's really chaotic there right now. Word is that the Black Wolf struck first, killing one of the Red Revival gang's members."
"Really? Have they already gone that far? To think the Black Wolf gang would go for the first strike..."
"Yeah, it's not like them at all... Still, you should avoid the backstreets for now. It's best not to be caught up in this."
Gossip was everywhere, even here.
"Also, I heard that Sister Angela will not be conducting this morning's Ministration."
"Really? That's a first. Maybe she needs some rest."
I put down my fork. I could hardly stomach anything like this.
***
"Brother Cain?"
"..."
"Brother Cain!"
"Oh, ah, um— What were you saying again?"
Mara glared at me, then leaned closer.
"...What happened?"
"...Nothing."
Not convinced, Mara refused to back down.
"...Well, something did happen. But it's alright. I could handle it."
"You always say that, Brother Cain."
"Sorry..."
Looking dissatisfied, Mara sat down again.
"We didn't even have time to eat the cake..."
"...Yeah."
On the table, the gingerbread cake remained untouched since yesterday.
"We don't have the cake knife either... Did you forget it, Brother Cain?"
"..."
With a spoon, Mara scooped up a mouthful and ate it.
"Oh, it still tastes so good, Brother Cain! You should eat too."
"I will."
"With just the two of us eating, maybe not cutting the cake is alright."
"Uh-huh."
"...Brother Cain!"
Mara yanked the book out of my hands. She seemed really pissed off now, the first time I had seen her.
"Why do you keep planting your face into that book? I had never seen you that absorbed before."
"Ah, well, I mean..."
"And it's theology of all things! I don't remember you enjoying it at all, Brother Cain."
I had no excuses. It was indeed unusual for me to be like this.
Mara put the book down. Her voice was now barely audible.
"... Besides, you are like that again. That downcast look again. I don't like that."
Again? Did my look ever change? I never noticed.
"Sorry for that. It is just that... things have not gone smoothly lately."
"Take care of yourself more, Brother Cain..."
"I will. I will. Can I have the book back?"
"No!"
I laughed. Mara had never been so grumpy like this.
"Hey Mara..."
"?"
"Well, remember that myth about the Saintess?"
"Yes, why?"
"...Do you believe it?"
Mara glanced at the theology book.
Sitting down again, she picked up the spoon and took another mouthful. Tapping the spoon against her mouth, she finally answered.
"I don't believe it. Regaining Miracle again sounds too good to be true."
***
It was late into the afternoon.
Lines of people walked out of the sanctuary as the sermon ended.
They were not here to pray. Rather, they were here to contemplate.
Following the Lodestar was merely a Pathway. Choosing one's own Path within it was left to the individual.
The sermons offered no answers. Only questions.
Sitting down on a pew, I watched as the hall slowly grew darker. One by one, the people left, their footsteps fading into the distance. As the sunlight disappeared, the lone light grew brighter by comparison.
Eventually, only we remained.
Five pews ahead of me, Angela was still contemplating.
I raised my hand to my mouth, and then lowered it. My eyes shifted between Angela and elsewhere, unable to settle anywhere.
...Was it my fault? Or was it inevitable?
Was it because I am not strong enough? Or strength never once mattered?
Was it her mistake?
Or should I have died then?
...
As always, I had no answers.
Trying to be as quiet as possible, I retreated to the entrance. My footsteps still echoed throughout the sanctuary.
Slowly, I glanced back. Our eyes didn't meet.
Tap. Tap.
The sun had already set, just like yesterday—or was it?
I could only remember the stench of blood on my own hand, on her hand, and the darkness around me. Death was nothing new to me, but still...
...That scene. Hands on my chest, praying for a miracle. It stuck with me.
A dull ache throbbed in my chest.
I walked and walked. I may not know the Path forward, but I knew I must continue.
A feeling of injustice boiled inside me. Right or wrong, I must do this.
I arrived at the bar. There, members of the Black Wolf gang gathered, arguing among themselves. Weapons in their arms, they all looked frustrated.
Axios noticed and waved at me.
"Cain? What brings you here?"
"Can I join?"
Axios froze for a moment.
I stepped closer.
"You guys are going to settle with the Red Revival gang, right? I want to help."
Axios thought for a moment, then crossed his arms and sighed.
"Look. I appreciate your help so far. I really do. Hunters are rare here, so you have been nothing short of life-saving. But this is different."
"How so?"
"Blood will be spilled, Cain. Someone will die, and it won't be pleasant."
Axios looked at me, concerned.
I knew what he was implying. Even if I don't get hurt. Even if everyone doesn't get hurt.
I might have to kill someone. He wanted to spare me from unnecessary guilt.
"I understand. Even then, I must see this to the end."
"Why...? Did something happen?"
I glanced around, hesitating.
"...Yes."
Axios stared at me for a moment before sighing again. Walking away, he gave one final piece of advice.
"I don't know what you're up to, but take it slow! The world isn't going to end tomorrow."
"Yeah..."
What did I want to accomplish by doing this?
Certainly not revenge. Beating them up won't change a thing. What I want is...
...an answer. Not for me, but for Angela.
That it was inevitable. That it was excusable. That they deserved it.
Then I could tell her directly:
It wasn't your fault.
I only wanted everything to return to normal.