I have been having this nightmare for the past few months
I am climbing up a dark, shadowy staircase. It feels like I am wading through thick mud.
I'm in my old, pot-bellied body, familiar yet still ugly. Each time I try to push through, the more difficult it gets, draining my sanity as I try to ascend to the glowing doorway at the top of the stairs.
But each time I push against the unforeseen force, the more it pushes back, until it eventually pushes me back down the dark staircase
"Fuck! Ugh!"
thwak, thump thwak
"What does that mean?" Rider manages to pant out between breaths. He's breathing heavily from his sloppy slashing on my homemade dummy, the grey blade of my short sword catching the sunlight
"It uh... it means nothing. I'm just upset"
Thwak thwak
"About what?"
I put down the textbook I had been reading, a dictionary of earth magic and incantations, and I sprawl out under the pink willow. It has become a sort of meet up place for me and Rider for the past few weeks, for whatever kind of childhood hijinx we get into for that day
"It's... Not important"
A shadow looms over me, I can see the grey-blue mottled sheath of my short sword come towards me. It is not as fast as Mother's, but It still catches me by surprise, just barely managing to roll away
I manage to quickly get up to face my attacker
"Who are you foul villain? It seemith thou hath possessed my comrade!" Rider shouts, a playful smile on his face. A smile of my own growing along with it.
"Ah, you've got me. Now, what will you do to free your companion?"
Playing along, I wrap a loose cloth from the dummy around my mouth
"On guard!"
Both of us screaming a war cry, we charge at each other, brandishing an imaginary blade of my own
We fight a mighty battle, our blades clashing with each seismic slash
"Guh, you are just too powerful a hero, you leave me no choice!"
I slash my off hand across my body, gently blowing myself back with a gust of wind and land in a crouching position. Shoving my hand into the ground, I begin to chant
"Earthen grasp, flowing to tide the waves of battle. Earthen water throughout—Mud Field!"
I can feel the mana being sucked out of my hand and into the ground, the skin on my hand chafing as it does. The earth immediately around me turning into thick mud
But Rider rushes over to me as usual, his charge continuing without a fault, brandishing the sword over his head
"Ahh!!"
I am just able to deflect it with my own, but he manages to knock me down, "Aha! I have won foul fool! Return my friend at once!"
I chuckle dryly to myself. "You won..."
Puffing out his chest, he revels in his win. "Another victory for the forces of good, if I do say so myself." He reaches out his hand to help me up, "What happened with that spell?"
"I.. I don't know. It just didn't work as I thought. A good amount of the spells I've tried recently just haven't been starting, or they just barely work." My head begins to feel heavy, my gaze hitting the ground
Rider smacks my back, "What do you mean? You're better than any kid in the world," he puts his arm around my shoulder, exaggerating as he motions out towards the unknown of the ocean. "And plus, we have so many years until we have to grow up, plenty of time to learn the secrets of the universe later"
I guess he has some kind of point in there, but the meaning just gets drowned out in the turmoil of my thoughts
I shrug off his arm, "I guess you're right." Walking back over to where my book is resting against the twisted trunk of the tree
Rider starts walking back towards the dummy. "I was thinking of getting more food for Ms. Eve, you're coming right?"
"You would get caught if I didn't"
"Hey! I was doing great without you"
"Sure you were." A slight smirk resting on my face as I open up my text book again. "Then what happened with Charles the fruit seller?"
Panting
"It all worked out in the end didn't it?"
"I guess it did." I mutter to myself under my breath
"Huh?! You say something?!"
We spend the next few hours like this. Rider relentlessly hacking away, as I try to will a mud pie into existence
When suddenly, a hard pit forms in my stomach, setting me on edge. I had created a basic circuit like a trip-wire. It's set so that every time a person crosses it, the circuit breaks and sends a chill down my spine.
I would only feed it enough mana to last for however long I spend outstretched under the tree. I started doing this since a certain someone snuck up on me a while ago while I was practicing
I jump to my feet in shocked anticipation, my whole body tensed
Cresting the hill, I can see a human man with round glasses
I grip the hilt of my grey blade tightly. Gripping it so tightly, my hand starts to tremble
"So this is where you two go sneaking off to every day, I thought as much. You boys hungry?" my father says, holding a large pack in one hand, the other gripping his staff tightly, seemingly putting the majority of his weight on it like a cane
"Whoa"
Rider manages to pant out: "Really Lord Bell?" He Strolls over and collapses next to me against the tree. "Thank you sir"
I jump a little as he bushes my shoulder
With a sigh, father slowly lowers himself until he is cross legged across from us, placing the pack onto the ground and undoes its buckles. He gently raises stacked wooden boxes out and places them between us.
It seems Rider has gained some more energy in his brief rest, as he is now sitting straight up, his mouth practically watering in hunger and anticipation
"And… Voila!" father lifts off the now apparent tri-tiered box, and lays two of the tiers in front of us. "This is a great contraption found on the Saeros Islands to the east of us, I have gotten quite fond of them. They have a lot of functional uses, they are great for storage, and the more expensive ones have runic circuits in the inside that help to refri-"
But he gets cut off by Rider's definite stare at the boxes, switching sort of frantically between him and the boxes
"-Is unimportant. Let's dig in"
"Finally!" Rider exclaims, kind of rudely at that. Though I do not blame him too much
The three of us lift the tops of our boxes, revealing the thick, juicy cuts of meat and potatoes sitting on a piece of dark bread, dyed brown from the juices. The smells that waft up from our boxes are delicious. Both father and I unknowingly begin to salivate along with Rider, who has already begun to devour his food
After a little bit of chewing, father begins to speak up
"So boys, what uh… what were you doing up here?" Biting into an especially large piece of beef after he finishes
"We were just do-"
"We wherm moeing mome mraining." Rider sputters out, his face stuffed with potatoes
Gulp
"Jace keeps messing up with some mud thing"
"Oh really?" my father looking towards me quizzically, "this is the first I am hearing of this, you want some help? I happen to be particularly good with magic myself"
I can feel his eyes pierce the top of my down trodden head
"No, I do not need your help"
My father sighs. "Than I guess I will just help Rider then"
Of course
I can hear the metal fork he brought with him scrape the bottom of the wooden box as he shovels the remaining pieces of meat and bread down his throat before wiping it with his sleeve
"Alright Rider, has your parents talked to you about Innate specialty yet?"
"Mno, Mwhat's that?"
"We are all born with an innate element of magic we are naturally skilled at, from one of, sometimes two of the basic four elements. Fire, water, earth, and wind"
Finally finishing his food, Rider sits at attention for my father, "How do you find that out sir?"
"Like this"
My head begins to rise again. I can see that father picks up his staff, motioning for Rider to grip the red gem on the top
"Hold onto this, it's commonly known as a mana gem, though there's many different versions of it, but that doesn't matter right now. When you grip it tight, try pushing mana into it, I find repeating the same words or phrase over and over again helps, maybe a phrase or something important to you also helps"
Rider thinks for a moment. "Uh… Got it."
He tightly grips the tightly bound gem with both his hands, shutting his eyes forcefully
"Alteris descent, Argos future. A kingdom upon the back of burning blood"
He repeats the strange words over and over over again, with more focus and intent each time. Until finally
"Whoa!"
Strong rays of a bright crimson light emanating from between his fingers
I can not help but look enviously towards the it
"That, is the burning flames of ambition, you-"
"-Unsurprisingly-" Father strangely whispers under his breath
"-Are naturally attuned towards fire magic"
Rider's signature mischievous grin growing on his face. "Cool! C'mon Jace, you try!"
"Alright" I begrudgingly grumble
My father whips the tip of his staff over to me. "Alright, same thing, though it might be easier for you to just pour your mana into the gem"
I wrap my hand around the tip of the staff. The red gem is slightly warm to the touch
Now… what to say
AM's hate speech? Life's not fair? Glory to Ultramar?
There is so many things I could choose from, from my repertoire of stories
But nothing comes to mind, nothing that is truly me. I am just full of useless knowledge
"Who the hell am I?" I subconsciously say under my breath
And if to answer, the gem hums with energy. A bright, white light bursts from it
It turns to a blue-white gradient. A baby blue turning to a dark blue, then deepening into a navy, then back again to white. The colors swirling around and around
"WHOA! So cool! Jace! Jace! See? I told you so, you're amazing!"
My father clears his throat. "That, my son, is very interesting. The waters of Purity and the winds of secrecy, that' probably why you are having trouble with earth, and I would imagine fire incantations"
But I don't clearly hear him. Their voices just echo around in my head, twisting and turning in my own thoughts.
What happens when the earth comes out from under me, and I am unable to do anything but sit around with a pile of mud?
My mind is full of turmoil, sinking deeper and deeper, a large pressure falling on my chest
"Hey man, are you doing all right?"
"I'm going home, see you tomorrow Rider"
"Uh, Jace! Wait!" Rider tries to get up after me, but just trips on himself
"Um, see you at home Jace" father calls after me
I walk home by myself
My thoughts racing, I feel like I am going to cry. All I want to do is curl up somewhere dark and warm
As I step out of the day, the dark of the night begins to wrap around me, pushing me to go back. That familiar weight now is almost too much to bear, crushing me into the earth that apparently rejected me.
I walk back down the stairs, back home. Each weary step sending shockwaves throughout me
I want to get better.
No.
I NEED to get better.
What use is a second chance if I am unable to do anything with it? What use, if just like before, I am unable to succeed when it matters most
As I walk in silence, I can feel eyes from my past pierce through me
Though this time, there is no one beside me. All those from before are gone now, however far away this world is from that one, if that is even how that works
I stop at my thick, looming doorway to my 'Home'. Pausing for what feels like an eternity
"Oh, hey sweetie, how was your day?"
"It was fine Mom, I'm going to go to bed early"
"Uh… Ok sweetie, have a good night." Mother says half-heartedly
"Night mom"
I close the door to my room, willing a trio of flame light motes to ignite in my palm, lighting up the room.
They go spiraling up into the center of the roof, cascading shadows across my desk. It is covered in scraps of parchment, my messy scribbles painting it. Practice arcane circuits peeking out from my observations. I toss my grey blade onto the mess
I flop onto my bed, trying to make myself as small as I can, curled up into a ball
I did not have the nightmare this time, but I also did not dream. Just nothing until I awoke the next morning
I cannot tell if the terrifying void of nothingness is any easier than the fear of those dark stairs of failure.