After all the Primarchs were scattered across the galaxy, the Emperor declared the Great Crusade. While Big E was out taking planet after planet, he explicitly told me not to leave Terra.
Which, of course, I obeyed completely.
Who you kidding I didn't follow it.
"Bob! Call all of the Thunder Warrior legions! We're going on a crusade!" I shouted across the staging bay.
"Yes, my lady!" he called back, immediately sprinting off to carry out the order.
It took a little while to rally all twenty Thunder Warrior legions and load them into a massive fleet of roughly one hundred ships capable of holding the entire force, but we pulled it off.
"My lady... are you sure we should be doing this?" one of the Thunder Warrior Primarchs asked, looking over the array of terminal screens with a furrowed brow.
"Yes! Trust me, I was told we could do this," I said, flashing him a brilliant, entirely reassuring smile.
"If you say so, my lady," he muttered, a heavy hint of doubt lacing his voice.
I ignored it. "Timmy! Start it up!"
"Yes, my lady!" Timmy yelled back, smashing down on the controls to activate the warp drive.
Before the fleet could even complete the transition into the warp, a massive, localized warp storm surged out of nowhere and swallowed us whole.
"AHHHHHH!!!"
I screamed as the flagship spun violently on its axis, alarms blaring in a deafening choir of red emergency lights before the ship finally jerked to a dead stop.
"...This sucks," I muttered, staring out the main viewscreen. We were trapped dead in the middle of the warp.
"My lady! What do we do?!" the Thunder Warrior Primarch panicked, bracing against a console as the alarms continued to screech.
"Okay, calm down, we can get out of here..." I took a deep breath, glared at the swirling void outside, and pointed at the storm. "YOU DON'T EXIST!"
I use a chaos emerald I teleported the entire fleet simultaneously back into real space.
BOOM!
Reality violently shifted and snapped back into place. The swirling colors of the warp vanished, replaced by the quiet darkness of the void.
"See? I told you! We're fine," I said, turning around with my smile still firmly in place.
"The lady is very... strange, to say the least," one of the Thunder Warriors whispered quietly in the back.
"So, yeah, we're not doing that again," I declared. "Timmy, turn the fleet around."
"Yes... my lady," Timmy said softly, executing a clean 180-degree turn back toward Terra.
Two Thunder Warriors stationed near the bulkhead watched the maneuver.
"Say, brother... why do we still follow the lady, even when she does stuff like this?" one asked.
"Well, brother, she saved us by fixing our gene-seed," the second replied solemnly.
"And even though she pulls stunts like this, not a single person in the entire Thunder Warrior legions has ever been lost under her command. We don't know how it happens. Or the fact that we have significantly better gear than the Astartes. But I am glad to serve her because she gives us days off and we get Pizza Day, which is umazing."
The first warrior blinked. "That actually sounds pretty good... but do you mean amazing?"
"NO! It's UMAZING!" the second insisted fiercely.
"Okay, brother," the first said, wisely choosing not to question it any further.
"Alright, prepare a shuttle. I'm heading back to the palace," I instructed. "If we hurry, Big E won't even notice we left."
Before anyone could prepare the landing craft, an incoming transmission flashed on the primary screen.
"Don't they know?" I groaned, throwing my hands up. "We just left a couple of hours ago, and we didn't even make it past the edge of the solar system!"
The screen flickered to life. A bald man I had never seen in my life appeared on the feed, staring at us with sharp, calculating eyes.
"Who are you?" the bald guy demanded.
"You literally just saw us leave Terra! Don't play games with me," I snapped.
Before he could answer, Malcador's voice echoed from off-screen, though I couldn't see him on the feed.
"You are cleared to land," Malcador said, his tone a mix of subtle surprise and intense curiosity.
"Well... that was weird," I muttered, shaking my head. "Anyway, Bob, Timmy, and... you, random guy you're coming with me. The rest of you, just stand down and go eat the pizza I bought."
I turned and walked out of the command center, right as a unified roar echoed behind me:
"YAY!!! PIZZA!!!!"
After boarding the shuttle and descending toward the Imperial Palace, I looked through the viewport and saw a massive crowd gathered outside the landing zone. Standing right at the front was Big E, Malcador, and about eighteen absurdly tall individuals standing beside them.
The shuttle touched down, the ramp lowered, and I stepped out onto the tarmac.
"BIG E! So, about what you said—" I started, stepping forward.
"Mother! You're back!"
Before I could finish my sentence, a fourteen-foot-tall bald giant stepped forward, his eyes practically gleaming.
"Mother what?!" I stuttered, absolute confusion and flabbergastation washing over me.
I whipped my head over to Big E and Malcador, both of whom were blatantly snickering in the back.
*Why, you...!!!* I thought, glaring daggers at the two of them.
Snapping back to reality, I squared my shoulders and marched straight toward them, my three Thunder Warrior bodyguards falling into formation right behind me.
"So, Big E... mind telling me what's happening?" I asked flatly.
"When you left Terra, you were gone for years," the Emperor explained, a smirk tugging at his lips. "In that time, I have found all of the Primarchs."
"Oh... Well, that's nice," I said, blinking at the massive crowd of demigods. "Anyways, I am heading back to my lab."
"Agnes, wait," Malcador interrupted, stepping forward to block my path. "The Imperium was waiting for your return. I believe you must address them."
I let out a long, dramatic sigh. "Fine."
After enduring a series of excruciatingly boring bureaucratic procedures, I finally made my way into the Great Throne Room. All eighteen Primarchs were gathered there, their massive eyes locked onto me.
"Alright, let's get this over with," I muttered, casting one final glare at Big E and Malcador.
I faced the front of the room. "Line up, everyone. I brought some very late birthday gifts."
Behind me, Timmy and Bob rolled in a massive, reinforced supply crate.
"Alright, you first," I said, pointing at the Lion. Luckily, Malcador had handed me a cheat-sheet list with all their names on it though they did mention two missing Primarchs, which I decided I'd ask about later.
"You may know me, or you may not, but I am Agnes Tachyon," I announced. I unlatched the crate, pulled out a gleaming longsword, and presented it to him. "Here, I bestow upon you Caliburn, the Sword of Victory. Take care of it."
The Lion accepted it with a stoic nod.
I moved to the next giant in line. "Horus! I give you this vial. Drink this whenever you are injured it will instantly heal any affliction or wound."
"Thank you, Mother," Horus accepted it reverently.
Next was Guilliman. I pushed a heavy metal container toward him. "I give you this ultra-fast high-spec PC, pre-loaded with multiple spreadsheet programs, and a built-in heavy-duty coffee maker."
Guilliman stared at the rig, his eyes practically shining with pure, unadulterated joy.
Next, I stepped over to Vulkan. "I give you the Eradicator Mk2! Enjoy, my boy."
"Thank you!" Vulkan beamed.
One by one, I went down the line, handing out customized, high-tech gifts to every single one of the eighteen Primarchs.
"I hope you all enjoy your gifts," I said, dusting off my hands.
"Yes, I did, Mother," Horus replied smoothly.
"Okay, let me stop you right there," I held up a finger. "Don't call me 'Mother.' Just call me Agnes, or Tachyon... but, well, if you really want to, I guess I can allow it."
"Okay, Mother," Horus nodded immediately.
Before I could respond, Magnus tore past us down the grand hallway, riding a custom-built anti-grav motorbike and yelling at the top of his lungs:
"THANK YOU, MOTHER!"
Right on his tail, Jaghatai Khan who was quickly becoming my absolute favorite activated a built-in speed boost on his own ride, rocketing past Magnus and making him fast as fuck.
"Well, enjoy your gifts. I have important things to do," I said, waving a hand dismissively as I turned toward the exit, leaving the demigods to their own devices.
As I walked down the long palace corridor, I noticed heavy, muffled footsteps echoing behind me. Someone was following me.
I stopped and turned around to see Mortarion standing there, looking somewhat awkward.
"Yes? Can I help you?" I asked.
"Yes... I was wondering if—"
"Sure, you can join me!" I cut him off happily, my eyes lighting up. Finally! Someone I can teach about real science!
--
Meanwhile, in another corner of the universe...
Daiwa Scarlet suddenly sneezed violently.
"Achoo! ...Why do I suddenly feel like Mother replaced me?" she muttered, shaking her head before brushing the feeling aside.
--
What started as just bringing Mortarion into the lab quickly spiraled out of control. Somehow, all of the Primarchs ended up trickling in one by one. Now, my high-tech lab looked less like a weapons research facility and more like a chaotic classroom filled with giant children.
"Alright, everyone, listen up!" I yelled over the noise, tapping a laser pointer against a holographic whiteboard. "This is how you formulate a chemical agent capable of melting through literally anything."
I began breaking down the core principles of advanced chemistry.
Mortarion, Perturabo, Lorgar, Corvus, Magnus, and Vulkan were sitting near the front, taking notes and actually listening intently. Guilliman was off to the side, hyper-focusing on a specific module about how to make paperwork processing run 300% faster.
The rest of them? They were mostly just wrestling, shoving each other, and causing general chaos in the back.
"Alright, that's enough! I need to sleep," I announced, snapping off the whiteboard and physically shoving eighteen giant demigods out of my lab before locking the doors.
--
Meanwhile, near the palace hangars, a Dark Angel Space Marine approached one of the Thunder Warriors guarding the perimeter.
"So, uh... who's your Primarch?" the Dark Angel asked, looking at the massive, heavily upgraded warrior.
"We don't have one," the Thunder Warrior replied casually.
"Oh... cool, cool..." The Dark Angel paused, eyeing the warrior's absurdly reinforced armor. "...So, what do you bench?"