I got up in the middle of the night, on tiptoe, slowly making my way towards the bedroom door. Rui was already waiting for me, standing in the sand. He was a dark figure who, in the moonlight, stood out only as a shadow. Fortunately, the closer I got, the more I could feel the details of his body. I had the beach keys and my towel; my other free hand was quickly filled by his.
-Is it at the end?
-Yes. It's a few minutes' walk.
He remained silent for the rest of the way, his body slowly drawing closer to make me feel safer. Finally, after five long minutes, we descended some rocks, and I opened the searched gate to go in.
-The sand is finer here
I left the key on the towel and started to take off my t-shirt before running into the water without even looking back. Rui, who hadn't planned on swimming, started to undress completely to join me, which made me laugh loudly because he got a big shiver, the same one I had felt a few seconds ago, but I had ignored it to be able to get wet.
-It hurts so much...
-Does it burn?
I nodded but let myself float on my back, spread-eagle. He squinted as he looked at me but was content to gently caress my stomach because my crystal skin shone like a diamond mixed with the water and the moonlight.
-Can we make love in the water?
-We'll drown. Let's do it in the sand
Her touch, the pain of my wounds mixed with the taste of her salty lips that numbed my tongue. I wanted to believe that all this pleasure and bitterness made me feel alive, more grounded than anyone else on this Earth. As if the full weight of my sensations would concentrate within me and keep me awake, fully aware of myself, instead of letting me drift away into a madness of sadness whose consequences I know all too well
In those moments, I forgot I was scratching myself, I forgot I'd been abandoned one day, betrayed the next. I even forgot that the man who was so close to me loved someone else, even if he refused to admit it. It was only after I'd finished that guilt overwhelmed me and I went back into the water to wash off the sand. He watched me from afar, having seen me flee. There was an unspoken truth even heavier than my sensations. My feelings...and his. What we couldn't clearly express with words, which was conveyed through a hypocritical and meaningless physical act.
-Are you really in love with me?
-Oul.
-In that case, I'm sorry if I sometimes hurt you.
-As long as you don't push me away too hard.
-I won't.
The sound of the waves and the rising seagulls formed a sweet melody that perfectly accompanied the sunrise. I hadn't slept a wink all night, tormented by my thoughts. Chenbai got up to have breakfast with me on the beach. He sat down next to me in silence, and I started talking to him. I would have liked to ask him for advice about Rui, but it would have been too obvious, and it would hurt him to learn that I loved someone else.
-I was very much in love with someone...
-When was that?
-It was in middle school.
I smiled at him as I shared my brioche with him. The wind was sometimes strong, so I made sure to give him a piece of paper too, so his lunch wouldn't end up covered in sand. I continued:
-It was a boy who liked me too, but we were too young to do things together...we just held hands.
-He was...a boy...
-Time passed, I went through puberty, I changed, but my feelings stayed the same...This boy didn't like the person I had become...so...he found someone new who met the criteria of who I used to be, and he left me all alone.
-That's horrible...
-I'm sure it's pretty common, but for me it was such a disaster that I never really recovered...
-No...
He pouted as he looked at me, but I just laughed, my face filled with a sadness I could no longer hide. My wounds were more open than usual...the sting of the previous day had reopened them.
-Do you feel ready...to accept my wounds?
I expected him to answer positively, knowing he was committed to seducing me at any cost right now. Only, he answered more quickly than I would have imagined:
-The wounds of first love? Of course. I'd be a good bandage.
-I have...many other wounds.
I finally got up, slowly returning to the bungalow while he remained staring at the sea, finishing the slice of brioche I had given him.
Probably he...was asking himself a lot of questions now and because of me he would think about it constantly, doubt himself, do research on the internet, put things into perspective and doubt himself again.
If he saw my wounds, he would throw up, he would be very embarrassed, he would find excuses to run away from me
Seeing such a thing myself makes me want to destroy my skin even more. It's so disgusting that I try to scratch them off, but they always come back... always bigger and more widespread. They invade my body even in visible places... that soon I won't be able to hide.
I raised my head, stretching my neck. There was a large, red, bloody mark that I had made this morning by pure clumsiness without thinking.
It was protruding on my neck, it was really worrying, and no matter how much I rinsed the blood away, it seeped from my flesh without flowing out; it was embedded in my raised skin.
-Are we going sightseeing this afternoon?
-Why not. I promised my mother I'd bring her back a present anyway.
Muyang was watching me, sitting in the shade scrolling on my phone. His persistence prompted Yao Hui to come and surprise me with his sand-covered hands on my already hot face. No matter how hard I hit him, he kept spreading it all over my face and hair before running away.
-Are you here to help Muya choose a present for his mother?
I watched him stare at me from afar, his face covered in sand and his expression truly surprised. Hearing about his mother, well, about Mei... it was... really like going back in time. Being asked that like that was painful, to the point where I had to force a smile.
-Are you going into town? Ask the others if they want to.
-Are we going on a group outing into town?
-We can all stay on our own to buy what we want, but we can also eat lunch together and travel there; that's what I was really interested in.
-Don't worry! We wouldn't have gone without Chenbai anyway!
I watched Yao Hui run towards the bungalow where Chenbai was playing with Rui on his Switch. I stayed there, a little embarrassed, rubbing my face.
Chenbai was approaching, and although I wanted to run away, I couldn't; it would have been really weird...
-You only took that one outfit? You really need clothes.
-It's only two weeks...
-Just buy yourself some clothes if you have so much money.
I lowered my eyes, narrowed, and my lips were pressed tightly together. I wasn't angry, I was disappointed, hurt, and those harsh words reminded me of a bygone era I would never experience again. A time when such words would never have hurt me because I had no weakness to exploit
His gaze immediately became intense, and I don't know why he brought his hand close to my shoulder to feel its warmth and softness in his hand. When he removed his hand a few seconds later, he put it in his pocket without really looking at me. I didn't know what he was thinking, but I didn't need to see to understand that there was a reaction. We were finally getting ready to go into town. Everyone seemed to be undressed except me, and I was ashamed of how I was dressed. It was out of place, out of season, and dark.
Maybe Muyang was right...that I really needed to buy some clothes to get through the rest of the vacation without looking like an Eskimo...
The heat had been giving me small pimples these past few days, and I was showering too often.
Chenbai was saying this, looking at the group messages, while Meiling and Rui had already disappeared into the mall.
-Meiling wants to go to that earring shop, so she left with Rui. They said they'd be back to eat around 1:30 PM. We'll all meet up then.
Yao Hui frowned, glancing at Chenbai's phone, who seemed quite focused.
-Aren't we staying together?
-Go do what you want, I'm staying with my boyfriend.
-Chenbai in a relationship? I've never seen anything more awkward. He didn't even say yes to you.
-It was a half-yes... don't wish me ill, though.
I wasn't paying much attention to their argument because I was mostly trying to avoid Muyang's gaze and therefore hiding behind Chenbai as much as possible.
He was quite happy when they finally decided to leave after seeing a shop they liked on the map and we
were alone together.
-Do you want to go somewhere, Yu-?
-You don't mind...if we go look for clothes...well, I'd like to see if they have any oversized t-shirts?
He gave me a nice smile when he saw me hesitating at the idea of imposing an activity. He was happy about that and ran his hand through my hair to clear the beard from my forehead. It didn't take him long to stop when he realized my hair was sticking out in all directions and that a simple flick of the wrist wasn't going to fix it.
-Don't play with my hair.
-Sorry.
There were more t-shirts to choose from than I thought. He looked carefully with me...there was the same style in about ten different colors. He pulled out a pastel t-shirt in a pretty, bright yellow.
-Yellow is your favorite color, isn't it?
-When did I tell you that?
-Meiling sent it to me a while ago.
I smiled, realizing he'd memorized Meiling's entire information sheet. It was a little crazy, but I liked the effort. He told me he loved me, yes, but he always ended up showing it in some way, and that's what made me truly weak in his presence.
-What's your favorite color, Chenbal?
He lost his smile, his gaze gaining a depth I hadn't yet recognized, which I interpreted as embarrassment at an unexpected question. He thought for a moment before pulling out a sky-blue t-shirt. I looked for my size and picked it up with a very serious expression and a monotone voice. I didn't want to seduce him; I wanted to give him back his interest, make it authentic at least once.
-I'll wear this one.
-...huh...um... I.....
In the end, I found him waiting for me outside, his face red and his expression more tense than before. I hadn't tried to provoke any reaction, but that's how it ended up happening. Ugh... I patted him on the shoulder after leaving the store. I was planning to give him the same t-shirt as me but bigger
so we'd match, but I knew it would make things worse if I did, so I preferred not to.
-Do you want a mini fan?
In the end, we were dying of heat in the mall, so we each had one in our hands, right in our faces, for the rest of the visit. Maybe that's why he was so red...and sweating profusely. Was it true that sweat made you sexy? He was actually quite attractive like that, even though he wasn't my type at all...I understood why he was seen as the king of the gay crowd at school. I kept staring at him, wide-eyed. His nose, eyelids, and lips were all shiny and red. He finally caught my eye, and I turned the mini fan up to full power in his face.
-Do you want to grab a drink while we wait for dinner?
I was having two ice-cold boba with 70% ice and 30% juice. He seemed thrilled to stick it to his face before drinking it, so I lent him mine to cool his other temple.
-You're adorable...
He seemed pleased that I finally turned to him...and it made me feel useful.
Sitting on the steps of an empty corner of the mall, where the vacant spaces waited for tenants. It was cooler there, the air was fresher, the atmosphere less oppressive and more pleasant.
-I call you Toujang...but I'd like to call you by your first name...
I stared at the tips of my sneakers, my ankles reddened from repeated contact with my skin. The friction had irritated me, and he quickly noticed as he untied the tops of my laces. He murmured that I was really fragile, but he didn't say it to reproach me for anything. He was full of a gentleness that accepted me for who I was and promised never to hurt me.
-What would you like to call me?
-I don't know... I haven't thought about it... maybe Yu...
If he called me by my full name... maybe Muyang would finally make the connection. He would finally start to see me, even though I'm afraid to show myself right now. I'm still torn between this desire for him to call me by my name and the pain it would cause me to have to end our paused memories.
-If you want... Call me whatever you want.
He touched the back of my neck, then my hair...
His hand was wet with cold water; the condensation from the drink he had recently put down had cooled it. It was soothing and extinguished the fire of my anguish more quickly than I thought.
If you only knew... how scared I was... Chenbai... how scared I am of being contagious and hurting you.
-Yu... can I give you a kiss?
-...yeah...
I closed my eyes as he gently leaned his face towards me, placed a light kiss on my right cheek... then... on my lips. He left them there for several seconds, prolonging this moment of warmth in the most beautiful way.
As he stepped back and separated from me, he said, accompanied by the most genuine smile I had ever seen in my life:
-Thank you.
It wasn't long before we were interrupted.
The atmosphere between us was starting to become slightly dangerous; I was getting too close to him too soon when I
hadn't intended to in the first place
In the middle of the room, we saw a hand raised at a table. It was Yao Hui beckoning us, and we quickly joined him after receiving our trays.
-So, what did you two get up to?
-Went to a clothing store. And you?
I just ate while they chatted... Chenbai really had to sit next to Mei, making me
take the seat between him and Muyang...
To think I gave him a kiss, you don't deserve it, Chen.
Yao pulled a very pretty piece of fabric from under the table, a very elegant, slightly sheer white linen.
-A gift for Muya's mother. What do you think?
My elbows were on the table, encircling my plate, and I lowered my head. I only raised it because I was interested to know what it was and asked:
-Is it a sarong?
-Huh? Yes. How did you know...do boys know about that?
I went back to my meal after clearing my throat. Chenbai defended me, saying I was very intelligent. Fui, meanwhile, was staring intently at me, clearly seeing that I was hunched over because of my seat next to Muyang, who hadn't said a word this whole time.
-What are we doing this afternoon? I saw a movie on the third floor. There's also an arcade.
I returned his gaze to Rui, who was looking down. Glancing furtively beside me, I saw that I wasn't the only one looking at Rui. Muyang also had his eyes fixed on me, and it didn't look friendly. At Mei's urging, we were forced to go to the arcade after the meal. I gave my leftovers to Chenbai, who was still hungry because I couldn't swallow anything else. It was too much.
-This part is between Shang and me.
Yao Hui glared at him menacingly, wanting me to play a game of shuffleboard with him. Air hockey. I'd only played it once in my life...and that was with Muyang in middle school...air hockey was his thing.
I wasn't surprised when he pushed Yao aside to face me. My opponent...
-Have you ever played?
I hesitated to tell him I had, but leaned back against the table, resigning myself to lying.
-Never.
Chenbai stayed behind me until Mei lured him away to another game with Yao and Rui. Now I was alone against Muyang...alone with that table lit by pink and blue lights that assaulted my eyes.
-It's my favorite game, it's all about reflexes. You ready?
-Yeah...
I expected it, but he had something against me. He put all his strength into it right from the start, and the puck went into my net before I even saw it leave his side. I didn't have time to react before he scored.
-You're really good.
-Not as good as you.
-...what are you talking about?
I didn't understand what he meant, but I took it as a dig. I guess it was, judging by the way he was looking at me. He had those eyes...the day he found out I was dating Rui in middle school. He must have had those eyes the day he realized I wasn't coming back.
-We don't play the same games; we're each good at our own. But I hate the game you play, so I'll never play it.
-...what game...?
I waited a moment before throwing it back, squinting, sweating even more than before. What did he mean by that? He was thinking of a game... one he didn't want to play... it was my behavior that bothered me, so... but... surely he couldn't have... suddenly regained his memory? He knew I was pretending not to know him, and that annoyed him?
-Don't say you're pretending, it's too obvious.
I threw the puck back with a sigh, but he put it back in my net before I could react.
-If you want to talk, do it somewhere more appropriate...
I threw the puck, but this time he didn't catch it. I missed the third point because he was no longer in front of his net but in front of me, grabbing my arm and pulling me away
I couldn't remember... when my heart beat as fast as it did last time. Was it in middle school? Or when I saw that you replaced me?
He locked the bathroom door, his messy hair flying everywhere on top of his head and across his face. I wasn't scared...because I already knew why he was acting like this, or at least I thought I did... So what? It was my goal to confront him, otherwise I wouldn't have made him come.
-What do you want to tell me, Muyang?
-Nothing special, just to stop.
He came and stood in front of me, and although he looked me in the eyes, I looked straight ahead, not lifting my head from the few centimeters that separated us. I simply stared at his chin without saying a word. Since he didn't say anything, I just asked to be sure:
-What did I do wrong?
He took a step in front of me with that dark, cold look I knew all too well. The toes of his sneakers touched mine, making me slightly lose my balance and back away to avoid being stepped on. I ended up against the wall, unable to escape, and when I tried to slip under his arm, he grabbed my shoulder and squeezed it tightly between his fingers.
-You think I don't see? This vacation was too good to be true. It was a trap, wasn't it?
-What-