It was 20:00, just two hours before the cosplay party. I couldn't say I was looking forward to it. Kudo's idea for a sleepover wasn't something I had been thrilled about from the start, but I supposed it was part of trying to fit in. Yet I couldn't help but question why we were even friends. Maybe it was because we were both loners, outsiders who found each other out of necessity. If we weren't friends, who else would I have? Suzu-san? She appeared to be someone who preferred to be alone. Ichika? She was my one and only true friend, but I couldn't depend on her all the time, I couldn't let her pity me.
In terms of social levels, Kudo was at the bottom, then I, Suzu-san, followed by Ichika, and finally Sakura. Beyond that, I didn't know anyone else well enough to place them. I felt a little sorry for Kudo. I was probably his only friend, and he had grown too comfortable with me. He talked about anime, cosplays, and invited me to a sleepover after knowing me for barely any time at all. I didn't know much about social standards, but this didn't feel quite 'normal.'
'Normal', the word echoed in my mind. I couldn't let social norms dictate my decisions again. Kudo was just trying to make friends, I guessed. "I need fresh air," I muttered to myself.
I pushed myself off the bed, pacing the small space of my dorm room. Ever since I moved in, I'd kept it spotless, because the neatness gave me some illusion of control when the rest of my social life felt like a disaster.
I needed to get out of here.
Stepping out into the silent hallway, I threw a quick glance toward the ceiling. Ichika was just one floor up. The urge to visit her tugged at me, but the reality of the patrolling dorm guards and the fact that she was probably busy killed the idea before it could form. I wasn't going to risk getting turned away like a creep.
Instead, I took the elevator down to the lobby. The ground floor was eerily still, the shadows stretching long and sharp under the dim security lights. It was too quiet. Without thinking much about a destination, I pushed through the main doors and let the cool night air hit my face, stepping out into the sprawling, empty campus.
As I walked alone, I saw a familiar figure approaching me. It had been a week since we last spoke, and that was just a brief morning greeting.
"Hey, Yamamoto-kun. What are you doing out here?" her voice interrupted my thoughts.
"Hey, Suzu-san. I-I just needed some fresh air," I replied, feeling slightly more at ease with her than before.
"That's nice," she said, and then there was an awkward pause. Was she always this quiet? Suzu-san didn't seem to care about social standards; she chose to be alone and didn't seem to mind being friendless. Surprisingly, we were even having this conversation.
"So, why are you out here?" I asked her.
"Just finding things to paint..." she responded casually.
That's cool, but I need to ask her.
"Hey, um, can I ask you something?"
"Sure, what is it?"
"Let's say there's a big artist event, and you're invited. Would you go?"
"Yeah, sure. Why not?"
"But what if the artists are all painting in a style you don't like? Would you still go?"
"Uh, I guess not. There are plenty of events I skip. Besides painting, I'm not a fan of sports, so I wouldn't go to a sports event."
"Even if you're invited?"
"Yes, even if I were invited. I don't have to go."
"But what if the person who invited you is—"
"A close friend?" Suzu-san interrupted.
"Yeah..."
"I don't have any, so I might not be the best person to ask."
"...May I ask why..?"
"Why don't I have close friends?"
"Yeah... That."
"I don't want to engage in activities I dislike just for someone else's sake."
"So, do you dislike this conversation..?" I asked.
"No, I meant the forceful kind. I don't like being compelled to talk to people, such as with small talk or idle chatter."
"So, our assignment to talk to each other was something you disliked?"
"Not necessarily."
"Oh..."
"As for that event, if you want to go, go. If you don't want to go, don't. Don't force yourself to attend just to please someone else."
"I'll think about it. Thank you, Suzu-san."
"It's fine. Have a good night."
"W-Wait!" I called out.
"Hm?" She turned back, her eyes meeting mine.
"M-mind if I... walk you back?" The words slipped out before I could stop them.
"There's no need," she said lightly.
My chest tightened. "I just... want to make sure you get home safe."
"That's sweet, but you shouldn't force yourself."
"I'm not," I said quickly, shaking my head. "I want to."
For a moment she just looked at me, as if weighing the truth in my voice. Finally, she let out a small sigh and nodded. "If you insist..."
She slowed her steps so I could catch up beside her. The night air was cool, brushing against my face. For a while, neither of us spoke, and the only sound was our footsteps on the pavement.
"You usually paint at night?" I asked, trying to break the silence.
"Sometimes," she said. "The shadows are different. Colors don't matter as much."
"That... sounds kind of poetic."
"It's practical," she replied flatly, but there was no bite to it.
I scratched my cheek, searching for something else. "Do you ever... show your paintings to anyone?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"They're mine. That's enough."
I couldn't help but smile a little. "Y-you sound like you really mean that."
"I do. Not everything has to be for display." She glanced at me briefly, then looked back ahead. "What about you? Do you share your... whatever you do?"
"I don't really do much," I said, feeling my ears warm.
She thought about that for a moment. "No hobbies at all?"
I let out a nervous laugh. "I just play on the computer..."
It got quiet once again.
"So... you never do things just because someone expects it?" I asked quietly.
"No," she said. "Why would I? Even for a close friend. I'd rather skip it than feel forced."
"I see," I murmured. My voice sounded smaller than I intended. "I guess... I never really thought about it that way."
She tilted her head slightly, as if curious, though her expression remained neutral. "Most people don't. They just... follow the flow."
"Yeah," I admitted, my fingers tapping against my leg. "Follow the flow... without thinking."
We reached the lobby doors, but instead of stopping, Suzu-san pushed them open and stepped inside. I hurried after her, still unsure why I hadn't just let her walk alone.
We stopped in front of the elevator. Suzu-san tapped the button, and the faint hum of machinery echoed down the hall.
"Floor nine, right?" I asked, remembering her ID number.
She raised an eyebrow. "You pay that much attention?"
I scratched my neck. "Numbers stick with me. Yours was 328.
The doors slid open and we stepped inside.
The silence was too much at first, just the soft whirring as we started moving. I shifted my weight and tried again. "Are you going to Sakura's birthday party?"
"No" she said simply.
"Any reason?"
"Parties aren't my thing."
"Same here," I admitted. "Too loud, too many people trying too hard to have fun. Feels fake."
The numbers lit up one by one. Six. Seven. Eight. The elevator slowed as it reached nine.
I swallowed hard. My chest tightened. If I didn't say it now, I'd regret it.
"Hey," I blurted.
"Hm?"
"C-Could I... get your contact? Just in case. For assignments, or... you know, anything."
Her expression didn't shift right away. The doors opened behind her, and for a second I thought she'd walk out without answering.
She didn't answer until the elevator doors closed.
Then she pulled her phone from her pocket. "Fine..."
"O-Oh, T-Thank you.."
She stepped out, turning back briefly. "Goodnight."
"G-Goodnight," I echoed, as the doors closed between us.
We parted ways, and I stood in the hallway for a long moment, staring at the closed elevator doors.
Don't force yourself to attend just to please someone else.
Her words echoed in my head. She was right. I didn't have to go to Kudo's sleepover. I could stay in my room, play games, and let the night pass in comfortable, lonely silence. But as I turned the thought over, something shifted. If I stayed behind, it would be because I was hiding.
Kudo was annoying, sure. But he actually wanted me there. And maybe... maybe it was time I stopped just following the flow, and actually chose to step into it myself.
I returned to my dorm, making my final decision.
I was going to that sleepover.