Chapter 394: Joe's Baptism and Godfather
"I believe in Dad. He always plays on the trampoline with me, and I've always prided myself on being his good son. I asked him to help me with things at school, but I never imagined he would affect my reputation like that! He called my classmates 'Quidditch weirdos'!"
Ron's cousin Claire's youngest son, Luke Dunphy, solemnly accused his father Phil of his misdeeds.
Here's what happened: today, all three of Claire's children encountered a little trouble, coincidentally on the day of their grandfather's youngest son's baptism—a big day indeed.
How big? Just imagine how strange it would be if Ron's father, old George, had another little brother. Keep in mind, Jay Pritchett is already over sixty!
Luke's trouble was that he daydreamed in class and accidentally called the teacher "Mom," which his friends spread around, and now the whole school is laughing at him.
Alex, the second sister, is in trouble because a classmate found out about the 1960s party she was organizing and stole her idea, planning to hold a similar party before her, with the date set for today.
As for Haley, the eldest sister, she took on the job of moving her neighbor's car, but accidentally broke a branch of the neighbor's beloved lemon tree while doing so.
Meanwhile, Phil took on the job of settling all the troubles, only to mess everything up again.
Ron, with his back to the window, hiding most of his face in the darkness, rested his chin on his hands. "And then? You two too?"
"Yes! He actually called Miss Cooper a man!" followed by the eldest daughter, Haley.
"No, the answering machine says her husband, Lee," Phil said, aggrieved.
Haley was nearly going crazy. "She doesn't have a husband! She's Lee! Lee Cooper, the deep-voiced lesbian who drinks too much! And you actually invited her for drinks!"
"And! Thanks for offending Karen for me, but her party did change one thing: she kicked me out!" Alex also accused Phil of his wrongdoing.
"Hey kids, it's not easy for me either. My own billboard was blocked by the florist's balloons. I bought the owner a sandwich, but he still wouldn't move his balloons. I'm sorry, I can try talking to them again, using my charm…"
"NO!" The three children shouted in unison, quickly stopping Phil from making things worse. Haley cleverly poured Ron a glass of water and snuggled up to him, blinking her bright eyes. "Uncle Ron, can you help us? Claire always says that if you want justice, go to Uncle Ron."
"I'm a cousin." Ron shrugged helplessly.
"Blood is thicker than water!" Luke also hugged Ron's arm.
"Hey kids, how do you expect me to help you with this?" Ron stood up, holding his cup, and walked confidently to the window.
Haley, her eyes sparkling, whispered something in Ron's ear.
"I can't do that!"
"Uncle Ron, I promise I'll be good from now on."
"Haley, I've been your uncle for years, and this is the umpteenth time you've asked me for help. I can't even remember the last time you gave me a new Christmas present—it's always slippers!"
Ron glared at Haley, who playfully stuck out her tongue.
"Besides, your mother is my cousin. Let's be frank, you never wanted my friendship, and you're afraid of owing me favors, afraid Claire will use me to send you to tutoring classes."
"No! I go to tutoring every day!" Honest Alex raised her hand, immediately getting glared at by the two siblings.
"Now you come to me saying, 'Uncle Ron, give me justice,' but you have no respect for me at all. You don't treat me like a friend; you don't even call me 'uncle' in public."
The three remained silent; they did indeed call Ron by his first name in public.
"What conditions do you want for us to help get this sorted out?" Luke asked weakly. Phil squeezed among the children. "And me, help me get rid of the balloons blocking my billboard. I'll agree to any condition."
"Luke, Alex, Haley, what have I done to deserve such disrespect? If you come to me as my nephews and niece, then the little punks who bully you will be dealt with,"
Ron walked up to the three and said in a hoarse, deep voice channeling his best Marlon Brando impression, "Besides, my family's enemies are my enemies, so they will fear you."
"Uncle~" The four of them came to Ron's side and bowed their heads together.
Ron glared at Phil. "What are you doing here? I don't have a nephew as old as you."
"Uh... Luke and I... I just blurted it out. Ron, aren't we going to church now? Claire's getting impatient over there." Phil explained awkwardly.
"Then you go ahead and tell her we'll be a little late. This little thing won't take long." Ron patted Phil on the back. "But I need an assistant, Luke, come with me for a second."
Ron and Phil split up, with Ron taking Luke back to his car.
"Uncle Ron, how do we deal with them?" Luke asked excitedly as soon as he got into Ron's sports car.
"Things need to be dealt with one at a time. First, the first thing is your dad's billboard, the one for that flower shop, right?" Ron asked, pointing to the shop outside the window.
"Yes, that's it."
"Here, take this," Ron magically produced an air gun. "Now pop all those balloons!"
"Rat-a-tat-tat~" A burst of air gun pellets popped all the balloons. Luke excitedly jumped back into the car, even more eager for Ron's upcoming revenge.
Next, Ron took Luke to buy a dozen mice, secretly placing them at Alex's rival's party. The girls screamed and ran out of the party, and Luke laughed heartily.
Then, they pushed another car in front of their neighbor's house, knocking down a lemon tree, creating the illusion that someone else had knocked it down, so Haley wouldn't be blamed.
Finally, they found a doll, gutted it, filled its belly with red dye, and threw it on the bed of the classmate who had spread rumors about Luke.
Only thirty minutes had passed since they finished all this, just in time for the church baptism.
"Why did you take so long? What were you doing?" Claire asked suspiciously.
"Just a few small things," Ron secretly gave the children an OK sign. Haley and Alex happily pumped their little fists. "Just a few small things that will make your family more respected in the neighborhood. Let's watch the baptism first!"
In the center of the church, the priest lifted Jay's youngest son. "In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, what name do you give this child?"
(End of Chapter)
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