The alarms started at 3:17 A.M. Nobody knew why the alarms were going off. Nobody knew where they came from.. Most importantly nobody knew why the emergency sirens had been replaced with recordings of Sour Grape Man laughing and making fart noises.
Throughout the Academy speakers were blasting all sorts of messages.
**"PBBBBBBBBBT!"**
**"WARNING! WARNING! THIS IS A LEVEL 9 BOOTY EMERGENCY!"**
**"SEEK SHELTER IMMEDIATELY!. Don't! I'M NOT YOUR DAD!"**
GreatMan sat up in bed. His eye started twitching. Else Violett Mage was slamming her head into a wall. Again.. Again.. Again. She kept saying "No" every time she did it.
Meanwhile Sour Grape Man was fast asleep. He was not worried about anything.
---
Outside the Academy something strange was happening. The stars were flickering. Constellations were shifting positions. Clouds were moving backward. Time was getting all mixed up.. Above Earth a huge green portal opened up. Thousands of Crawnk ships came out of it. There were many ships. More than anyone had ever seen before. The invasion had begun.
---
Inside the command center heroes were rushing to get into position. Quantum Edge started calculating trajectories. Tempo Echo multiplied himself over the room. Red Chakuka ran into a wall. Twice. ScoutGirl activated the shields. MechaStar powered up all the weapon systems. Noir Knight disappeared into the shadows. The Academy was turning into a fortress.
Then the doors exploded open. Sour Grape Man stumbled inside. He was wearing bunny slippers. "Guys " he said. Everyone looked at him. "Guys " he said again. Sour Grape Man pointed at himself. "I think I unlocked powers." The room was silent. GreatMan asked, "What?" Sour Grape Man pointed at himself again.
The first new power showed up away. Sour Grape Man sneezed. A tiny green blob flew across the room. It landed on a training robot. The blob started wiggling. Then it spread. Purple fungal vines came everywhere. The robot turned into a grape-shaped mushroom monster. Everyone stared. The mushroom monster saluted. "HELLO FATHER." Nobody knew what to say.
The mushroom creature saluted again. "AWAITING ORDERS." Sour Grape Man blinked. "Oh." He blinked again. "Oh no." The creature exploded into grape jelly. Violett Mage looked exhausted. "What was that?" Sour Grape Man grinned. "I call it GRAPE FUNGUS." Nobody clapped for him.
---
Unfortunately the power did not stop there. Sour Grape Man sneezed seventeen times that day. Every sneeze created fungus. One infected a bench. Another infected a vending machine. A third infected a hallway. The hallway became alive. Its first sentence was: "I wish to become a skateboard." Nobody knew how to respond.
The second power showed up during the invasion. Thousands of Crawnk drones were coming towards Earth. GreatMan launched into battle. Speedtex became a streak of lightning. MechaStar unleashed a lot of firepower. Everything seemed under control. Then Sour Grape Man raised his arms. Nothing happened. He looked confused. Then vines burst out of his armpits. Everybody froze. The vines stretched miles into the sky. They wrapped around Crawnk ships. Crushed them. Tied them into knots. Threw them into ships.
One vine tied three warships together into a bow. The explosion lit up the atmosphere. Red Chakuka screamed. "HE HAS ARMPIT TENTACLES!" GreatMan looked horrified. "Please never say that again." Sour Grape Man flexed proudly. "ARMPIT VINES!" GreatMan said, "No."
---
The Crawnks adapted quickly. A massive fleet commander appeared. Its mech was a hundred miles tall. Weapons were charging. Reality was bending around it. Entire mountain ranges started floating. Cities were trembling. The commander pointed toward Earth. "PRIMARY THREAT IDENTIFIED." It pointed directly at Sour Grape Man. "ELIMINATION PROTOCOL." The mech fired. A beam crossed space. Sour Grape Man reached into his pocket. Pulled out a grape. Then farted on it. The grape glowed. He threw it. The beam collided with the grape.. Disappeared. Nobody understood.
Not even Sour Grape Man. Then came his third power. The one that scared everyone. Including him. A small purple bomb emerged from nowhere. Floating. Spinning. Making fart noises. "Pbbt." "Pbbt." "Pbbt." Sour Grape Man stared. The bomb stared back. Then it flew toward a Crawnk battleship. The Crawnks shot it. Missed. The bomb dodged. The Crawnks accelerated. The bomb accelerated faster. The bomb chased the ship across orbit. Across the moon. Around Mars. Back around Earth. Then it caught up. "PBBBBBBBBBBT." The battleship vanished.
Not exploded. Not destroyed. Gone. Entire sections of matter had been stolen. Removed from existence. The bomb floated back proudly. "Pbbt." Tempo Echo stared. "What did it do?" Sour Grape Man blinked. "I think it ate the ship." Everyone looked horrified. He grinned. "Grape Fart Bombs." The bomb farted again. A moon disappeared.
---
The invasion got worse. Millions of Crawnks came down. Entire continents became battlefields. Heroes fought across oceans. Across mountain ranges. Across reality itself. Quantum Edge sliced through armies. Tempo Echo created thousands of copies. ScoutGirl protected cities. Violett Mage rewrote barriers. Noir Knight eliminated commanders. The Academy stood united.. The Crawnks kept coming. Wave after wave. Endless. Unstoppable.
Until Sour Grape Man accidentally unleashed his ability. It happened because he was hungry. Which was unfortunate. Because Sour Grape Man should never be hungry. He ate a lot of food. Twelve pizzas. Seven tacos. Three milkshakes. A burrito. Half a refrigerator.. Something he described only as "Emergency spaghetti." Nobody knew what that meant. Not even him. Then he burped. Reality trembled. He farted. Reality screamed.
The sky turned purple. Stars flickered. Galaxies shook. A green cloud spread through space. Expanding. Growing. Covering planets. Covering systems. Covering sectors of the galaxy. The smell itself became a phenomenon. Planets evacuated. Asteroids changed course. The Crawnk fleets scattered. Sensors exploded. Artificial intelligences shut themselves down. One alien emperor seventy galaxies away immediately surrendered despite not being involved.
The cloud kept expanding. Growing larger.. Larger.. Larger. Until entire worlds disappeared behind it. GreatMan slowly looked upward. "What." Violett Mage looked upward. "What." Quantum Edge looked upward. "...What." The cloud reached a moon. The moon developed a face. Then it vomited. Nobody knew how. It didn't even have a stomach. Sour Grape Man pointed proudly. "PLANETARY STANK." Silence. Absolute silence.
Then Red Chakuka fell to his knees laughing. The Crawnk Overmind finally appeared. Its massive mechanical body emerged through a rift. The largest enemy Earth had ever faced. Larger than planets. Larger than stars. Its voice shook existence. "YOU ARE AN ANOMALY." Sour Grape Man nodded. "Correct." "YOU MUST BE ELIMINATED." "Also correct."
The Overmind raised a weapon of destroying civilizations. Sour Grape Man raised a whoopee cushion. The Overmind hesitated. The heroes hesitated. Reality hesitated. Then Sour Grape Man smiled. The kind of smile that terrified entities. The kind that suggested he had no plan whatsoever. Which somehow made him more dangerous. "Okay." He cracked his knuckles. Armpit vines erupted. Grape Fart Bombs appeared. Snot Grape Fungus spread across dimensions. Planetary Stank darkened the heavens.
Purple energy surged around him. The stars themselves seemed confused.. Somewhere beyond reality even the Crawnks began questioning whether invading Earth had been a mistake. Especially because the strongest defender, in existence appeared to be an idiot whose greatest weapons were farts, fungus and complete nonsense.. Somehow that made him unstoppable.