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[JOFFREY taps his goblet.]
"Everyone, silence! Clear the floor. There's been too much amusement here today. A royal wedding is not an amusement. A royal wedding is history. The time has come for all of us to contemplate our history."
[A lever is pulled. A giant lion's mouth opens. A red carpet rolls down. Five dwarves come down from the lion's mouth, each dressed as one of the five kings. They run about, playing their roles with comic glee.]
"I give you. King Joffrey... Renly, Stannis, Robb Stark, Balon Greyjoy. The War of the Five Kings."
"I'd call that insulting amusement than history," Renly said dryly. He was insulted (like many) that Joffrey had the gall to arrange this. Then again, give a dog a modicum of freedom and he thinks himself a wolf, this dog here was given absolute power! No wonder he thinks he's god.
[The dwarves line up on the stage. The crowd applauds. RENLY DWARF starts the prance about the stage. STANNIS DWARF and RENLY DWARF feign some indecent acts.]
"I think I'm going to be sick" Renly muttered, outraged and disgusted.
Stannis looked no different
[JOFFREY DWARF shoots an arrow and hits STANNIS DWARF. The crowd applauds. STANNIS DWARF runs off the stage, crying about Wildfire. JOFFREY is enjoying the spectacle, but MARGAERY is not. JOFFREY DWARF and ROBB DWARF are having a standoff. They run past one another without landing a blow. This time, JOFFREY DWARF knocks off ROBB DWARF's wolf helmet.]
"Is this the 'recreation' of when Grey Wind's head fell off mine?" Robb asked appalled.
"Looks like it" Jon muttered with a grim look on his face and rage in his eyes.
[SANSA is mortified. JOFFREY laughs hysterically while MARGAERY looks at him, appalled. ROBB DWARF falls. The crowd applauds. JOFFREY DWARF claims victory. JOFFREY DWARF feigns sodomising the wolf head. SANSA is motionless. JOFFREY spits out his wine, laughing. The players take their bow and the crowd applauds. JOFFREY stands.]
"Well fought. Well fought. Here you are. Champion's purse. Though you're not the champion yet, are you? A true champion defeats all the challengers. Surely there are others out there who still dare to challenge my reign. Uncle. How about you? I'm sure they have a spare costume."
"Bastard" Sansa muttered. As if making a mockery of her family was not enough for this devil.
"One taste of combat was enough for me, Your Grace. I would like to keep what remains of my face. I think you should fight him. This was but a poor imitation of your own bravery on the field of battle. I speak as a firsthand witness. Climb down from the high table with your new Valyrian sword and show everyone how a true king wins his throne. Be careful, though. This one is clearly mad with lust. It would be a tragedy for the king to lose his virtue hours before his wedding night.''
Tyrion snorted.
[TYRION sits, and JOFFREY is angered at his insults. The crowd quiets. JOFFREY walks over and pours his wine on TYRION's head. MARGAERY sits motionless.]
"A shameful waste of wine" Tyrion sighed dramatically. Though most took it as the Imp shrugging it off, Jaime knew Tyrion's nonchalance was a sign that he was angry.
"A fine vintage. Shame that it spilled."
"It did not spill."
[MARGAERY stands]
"My love, come back to me. It's time for my father's toast."
Margaery made a face. Even the fake courtesies were starting to rub her in the worst ways.
"Well, how does he expect me to toast without wine? Uncle, you can be my cup-bearer seeing as you're too cowardly to fight.'
"Your Grace does me a great honour."
"It's not meant as an honour."
"You're just egging him on and making it worse for you after."
"I refuse to let him enjoy it" Tyrion shrugged.
Joanna sighed. Stubborn as a mule her youngest... like his father.
[TYRION stands and walks over to JOFFREY, who purposely drops his goblet. As TYRION tries to pick it up, he kicks it away.]
"If nothing else, this should set more people against this monster" Elia muttered. A spoiled brat, people knew history well enough to know what men like him on the throne were like.
She only hoped people learned from said history.
[TYRION kneels down to get the goblet. SANSA watches JOFFREY. She picks up the goblet and hands it to TYRION. He brings it to JOFFREY. TYRION pours wine for JOFFREY in front of CERSEI and hands it to him. JOFFREY orders his uncle to bow but TYRION refuses to do so. MARGAERY takes JOFFREY'S by pointing out to the pie. The crowd applauds, and the attention turns to the giant pie carried in by four men. JOFFREY strides forward and hews the pie with his sword. To his surprise, doves are released from the pie. He looks triumphant.]
"Why does he look like he did something? He just cut the pie!" Arya complained.
"Probably sees that as something to pride himself in. Probably will tell his children how he cut a pie of doves without killing one" Sansa muttered.
Arya nodded to that. She completely agreed that this was something the bastard would do.
[The pie is served to the guests. MARGAERY feeds a forkful of pie to JOFFREY.]
"Uncle. Where are you going? You're my cup-bearer, remember?"
"I thought I might change out of these wet clothes, Your Grace."
"No, no, no. No, you're perfect the way you are. Serve me my wine."
[TYRION looks to SANSA.]
Sansa clicked her tongue. No doubt she wanted to leave if that look meant anything.
"Well, hurry up. This pie is dry."
[TYRION fumes as he gets the goblet for JOFFREY. JOFFREY drinks deeply.]
"Mm, good. Needs washing down."
"If it pleases Your Grace, Lady Sansa is very tired."
"No... No, you'll wait here... un..."
[JOFFREY grabs his own throat, choking. JOFFREY turns towards the crowd, choking and staggering. JAIME runs to JOFFREY, as he vomits. CERSEI runs to them. JOFFREY gags, SER DONTOS pulls SANSA away. TYRION and MARGAERY watch, aghast. CERSEI and JAIME continue to try to help JOFFREY. JOFFREY gurgles and chokes. His face is turning purple, his eyes glazed, vomit lining his cheeks.]
"Ah, the Strangler" Oberyn spoke with a smirk.
"He's not choking?" Daenerys asked.
"He is, but he's also been poisoned. The Strangler is effective, though how he was administered is the question" Oberyn mused. "But ironic that he too is dying at a wedding" he added with a smirk.
[Blood streams out of JOFFREY's nose. He convulses painfully. CERSEI cries as she watches him. He reaches a hand out towards TYRION, who at that moment picks up the goblet from before him. JOFFREY gaps a final time as blood continues to stream from his nose, his face a horrid shade of purple. He dies.]
The Hall watched with mixed expressions.
All of them agreed and relished in Joffrey's death. It looked painful, and that was what the bastard deserved for all the grief he'd caused. Some would say the pain should have lasted longer. Others wished they could have killed him with their bare hands, or someone else could have done it so the bastard knew true terror and died shitting his pants or something.
But a part of these people wondered... was killing a man on his wedding day voiding of guest rights? Had they brought the wrath of the gods on them by doing so?
Jaime Lannister on the other hand thought neither.
Joffrey was still his son; monster that he was; and he just saw him die. Jaime was not sure how to feel about that.
Another one a little conflicted was Myrcella. She was more than glad that her monster of a brother was dead. Oh, how she could dance at that after all the shit he did with her. Joffrey got away with a lot, so he made sure Myrcella knew it. But he was still her brother, did it make her a bad person that she would celebrate her brother's death? No, she finally decided, Joffrey was a rotten boy and a worse King. She was not a bad person for celebrating his death. He deserved it, after all.