Chapter 44
His headache was made worse by the nightmare he had. It had been a long time since he had such dreams while drunk. What was the point of drinking if he couldn't avoid his nightmares? That was literally why he started drinking.
He felt extremely tired right now. It was just a reminder that he wasn't escaping this hellhole. That every detail of all that he tried to forget was deeply embedded in his mind. No matter how much he tried to poison his mind, it didn't work in the end.
And then he had to look at a completely fine Tsunade. How did he even think he had a chance to drink her under the table? There he was now, eating an egg and bacon sandwich in a small diner, trying to get as much grease into his body as possible, while Tsunade enjoyed her light meal.
Too exhausted to even think of how this happened, he turned his attention to what he should do now. He promised to get out of her hair if she won, but he couldn't keep that promise. He needed her to return to the village. That nightmare made him even more desperate.
Just imagining losing anyone else he cared about because he couldn't do anything about it made him sick. And now he had gone and started to care about his students. Especially the last years, whose names he still refused to learn.
He thought that would keep him from getting attached to them, but seeing how hard they worked and how much they wanted to learn made Iruka empathize with them even more. He wanted them to succeed and live to their full potential. He wanted to see it happen.
"If you've finished eating, you can leave." Tsunade's voice was cold as she addressed him.
What was her problem? Iruka got the idea that this woman didn't like him much. And she still made sure he didn't sleep out in the cold while passed out and even bought him breakfast. He couldn't figure her out at all, although at the start, he thought he could understand her.
Well, that was his mistake. He assumed too many things, and now he was paying the price for it. He always forgot that he was no hero, that in the end, nothing would go well for him even if he tried his best.
He was just an idiot loser who tried to do things even though he knew he would fail. How many times is it now? He should probably start learning from his failures and stop trying. Though he was a hard learner, there was nothing he could do about it.
"Have you come to visit them?" Iruka asked, the image of his sensei as he died never leaving his head. "Your brother's and lover's graves? You should."
"What's the point of that? Do you believe in bullshit that they can hear us or something?" Tsunade was in a poor mood, and with each word Iruka spoke, she seemed even more annoyed. "They are gone, and that's all there is to it."
"Nah, I know it too well," Iruka sighed as he finished his breakfast. "But it is easier to say things to them that you never could before. It is easier to face reality while thinking of them. And it is easier to remember them as they used to be."
"Why would anyone want to remember them?" Tsunade was confused by Iruka's words. "You of all people should know how hard we try to forget them."
"Pfff," Iruka chuckled. "I can't believe it. The princess of Konoha, one of the Sannin, is a complete idiot."
Iruka dodged her finger stab that probably would have gone through his skull if he had let her hit him. Now, she really seemed to be pissed off at him. But he couldn't help it when she amused him so much. Though it only showed how much help she needed.
"I am not talking about their last moments." Sensei's last moments were still just a nightmare to Iruka, something he couldn't handle. "I am talking about the rest of the time they were with us. Or have you already forgotten about it? About them."
Tsunade didn't reply. It seemed that Iruka had hit the nail straight on the head, and now it was pricking her painfully. Shizune stayed quiet, as she didn't seem to want to interrupt their conversation. But at that moment, it seemed like she wanted to say something, just didn't know what.
"You should visit them," Iruka tried to persuade her one last time.
"I am not coming back. I couldn't stay there even if I returned."
"How about a bet?" Iruka couldn't help himself as he took out his flask.
"You lost already. Why don't you just give up?"
Drinking everything that was in his flask in one go, Iruka took a long look at it. Not even for a second did he think he could live without it. It was the only thing keeping him sane, guarding him from the terrors of the night. The only thing he could trust, but it had failed him now.
"Because I have nothing to give up anymore, nothing to lose. How about it, one more bet? I won't even ask you anything if I win."
"What are you on?"
One last time, Iruka looked at that flask. The only keepsake he had of his sensei, and probably the only thing his sensei would now regret leaving to Iruka. He wasn't doing it for himself because he didn't think he deserved it, but this was the last thing he could give up. And now he gave it to Tsunade.
"Let's bet on who lasts longer, you back in the village or me without drinking anymore."
The question of the century. And an insane thing that Iruka couldn't even believe he said out loud. The longest time he went without drinking was when he was stuck in the hospital recovering from his injuries.
Even then, all he could think of was how good it would be once he could drink. To give it up completely was something out of the question. His friends had tried many times to get him to do it, and they failed every time. So doing it himself was quite unbelievable for him.
"As long as you stay in the village, I will stay sober, and vice versa. If you win, you can ask me anything you want, even my life, or for me to be your servant, or whatever you can come up with."
"I never said I would agree to it." Tsunade's voice wasn't as cold as it was before as she looked at the flask in her hands.
"I think you will, not only because it is a bet, but because you are the best doctor in the world, someone who wouldn't leave a sick person without trying to help them. And I am sick, and this is the best anyone can do to help me."
It was more like blackmail than anything else. When he put it like this, refusing the bet meant refusing to help him, a kid in her eyes who had a serious problem and needed serious help. She wouldn't be able to refuse it and turn her back on him.
…
She couldn't believe she agreed to this. Why was she being such an idiot and taking on such a bet? Tsunade didn't know. But she did find his words quite true. She had completely forgotten what Nawaki and Dan looked like.
What kind of people were they? That brat's words hurt her more than she could have imagined. Was she abandoning them? Trying to completely erase their existence from her mind just because it hurt her? Wasn't that a bit too selfish of her?
Tsunade looked at the flask in her hand. Iruka Umino had played her well. He knew she wouldn't be able to stand by and watch him ruin himself. That amount of alcohol wasn't healthy even for her, and she knew how to neutralize the toxins within her body.
She couldn't watch someone poison themselves to death and do nothing. If she did so, what was the point of her learning medical ninjutsu? Dedicating her whole life to this? Iruka Umino must have known that too, and she couldn't do anything but agree with him.
"So, while using Yin chakra, it is better to heal internal injuries; while using Yang chakra, it is better for external injuries?" Tsunade looked on as Shizune taught Iruka what she had learned over the years. "Never thought about it like this; I was using both chakra natures simultaneously."
"That's why you are an idiot," Shizune said. "Who even taught you like this?"
"Nobody, I learned from the books I could find on it."
While she was contemplating all her life choices, those two were getting overly friendly. Well, it was fine, as it was a long and boring road ahead. And it had been a long time since she saw Shizune so enthusiastic about something. Even this brat didn't look so pathetic at the moment.
Though Tsunade had to admit that this brat had some talent if he could talk about medical ninjutsu with Shizune on a similar level. And he didn't even have a proper teacher. Now, she was even more curious about him.
But part of her didn't even want to know. Just remembering the scars on his body made her imagine what kind of life he had lived. This flask, too, was clearly worn out, yet it was quite clean, and she couldn't even see any scratches on it.
It was a cherished thing, yet he was willing to give it to her just like that. Tsunade touched her necklace and wondered if she could give it to anyone else. She didn't imagine she could, not anymore. Was she that weak in the end? Weaker than this brat?
It was a hard thing to accept. But his words rang true to her, even if she hated to admit it. And now she was following him back to the village she had abandoned. There were just too many things that had happened in a short period of time for her to get used to them.
Before she even realized it, the long and boring road back to the village had come to an end. The familiar walls were now in her sight. Yet at those final steps, she started to drag her feet. The closer they came, the harder it was for her to take those final steps.
"You should go to them first." Probably seeing her hesitate at the last steps, Iruka Umino addressed her. "I think you can find your way there yourself."
He was right. It was easier when she had a concrete destination in her mind. A place she wanted to visit. Thinking that way, she managed to walk into the village and into the graveyard. It had been far too long since she came here.
She remembered bringing their bodies back. She remembered when they were buried here, one after another. She lost two of the most important people to her in such a short time that she couldn't have possibly even comprehended it. To this day, she couldn't do that.
"I will be Hokage, sis!"
"I will become the next Hokage, dear."
Their voices, something she had long since forgotten, entered her mind. Their wishes and dreams, things she had ridiculed ever since she lost them, were now flooding back to her. And now she remembered how happy they were, and how happy she was for them.
The necklace she wore was the only thing left behind from them. Something she thought was cursed, she now remembered why she gave it to them and why she kept it for so long. Because it held their dreams. And she could never throw those dreams away.
"Lady Tsunade."
She didn't even realize when she got on her knees or when her tears started to gather in her eyes. Only Shizune was there to comfort her. Though she didn't want even her to see how pathetic she was right now.
"I am fine," Tsunade lied.
There were many things she wanted to say to them. Tell them how sorry she was. Tell them that she didn't mean to abandon everything they believed in. This time, Iruka Umino was wrong; it wasn't easier to speak to them here. It was even harder to say those words.
She didn't feel like she deserved their forgiveness. Tsunade was too weak to carry on their will. She didn't even deserve to inherit those dreams. She didn't want their forgiveness, not before she proved herself worthy of it.
"Let's go back," Tsunade said after wiping her tears. "Let's go home."
The place where she belonged. A place where they were waiting for her for all this time. She couldn't believe that the old man was right. And that one idiotic brat made her stop running away. How stupid was she all this time?
Only now could she realize that all this time, what she was trying to forget was not the painful memories of them, but the ones that made her love them to begin with. It was about time she started to realize that and began to see who they were, not what they became.
A.N. As always, thanks for reading and supporting me, so I can continue writing without any concerns, and if you want more, up to seven more chapters, you can support me on pa treon. com \ ironwolf852.