Until the day I die
I long to have no speck of shame
when I gaze up toward heaven,
so I have tormented myself,
even when the wind stirs the leaves.
With a heart that sings the stars,
I will love all dying things.
And I will walk the way
that has been given to me.
Tonight, again, the wind brushes the stars.
from Prologue by Yun Dong-ju
***
No Eul felt a strange sense of déjà vu—like she was moving with someone else's strength. The sound of her skates striking the cold surface was one she had known since childhood— and somehow, she knew she would hear it until the end of her days. As she slowed after a spin, her eyes caught a familiar face.In that moment, it became clear: she was dreaming again. The handsome skater before her wasn't real—just a wanderer who visited only in her sleep.
And yet, the dream was already dissolving. Though her eyes remained closed, his face lingered in the darkness of her mind. She remembered the old tale—that even a passing stranger could appear in dreams. As that thought surfaced, her lashes fluttered. "Where have I seen you before?" she murmured to herself. The dreams hadn't stopped, not for a year now. Each night he returned, and with him, her quiet wonder. Ever since the darkest days of her life, when her broken trust led to hallucinations, this face had become a constant.
As she rose from the bed bathed in sunlight, the calendar on her wall reminded her: the big day was near. The ringing of her phone pulled her attention away from the small, red circle she'd drawn weeks ago.
"Good morning, Oppa."
She patiently listened as her older cousin complained about how they had barely spoken over the past few days. No Eul had been unable to find time because of her increasingly intense training schedule, while he had been occupied with the rising crime rate in the area where he was stationed. As she thought about how he was the only family she truly had left, she took her steamed rice out of the cooker and began eating.
"No Eul, when was the last time you spoke to Dad?"
Her movements slowed, and after a brief silence, she answered him casually.
"It's been a while."
Then, unable to stop herself, she added,
"I still keep in touch with my stepsister, though. After all, before my father married her mother, he was my closest friend."
Suddenly feeling her appetite disappear, she placed the bowl of rice on the kitchen counter.
"Don't cut off your relationship with him, No Eul."
No Eul couldn't help but frown.
"I'd rather form a connection with someone who's truly dead than with someone who's only alive in name."
After saying that, her eyes drifted toward the photograph resting beside her bed.
Her mother's photograph.
After hearing No Eul's words, her cousin decided to leave her alone. Once their conversation returned to its usual flow, they talked for a few more minutes before ending the call.
For a moment, No Eul thought she had woken up because she needed to get to practice, but when she looked at the clock, she realized she was mistaken.
Right. She hadn't woken up because of an alarm or a sound.
She had woken up from a dream.
She had woken up because of a dream.
The thought of her high school yearbook gave her an idea, and she began searching through the drawers in the living room. It had only been a year since she graduated from high school, yet it felt as though much more time had passed. She had been through so much during the final year of her life as a student.
When she finally found what she was looking for, a small wave of excitement passed through her heart.
She quickly flipped through the first pages of the yearbook, but slowed down when she reached the student profiles. She began examining the boys she had gone to school with one by one. She skipped over the girls, especially avoiding her own page.
Minutes later, unable to find what she was searching for, she closed the yearbook and returned it to the drawer where she had found it.
"Can someone I've never even met appear in my dreams?"
She asked herself the question in disbelief.
Deciding not to overthink it any further, she reminded herself that questions like these had no end. After a long time, today was finally a day without practice, and she needed to find a way to fill the empty hours.
After dressing warmly, she grabbed her skates and stepped outside. The joy of having an ice rink near her neighborhood accompanied her as she watched the sun slowly rise into the sky.
Finding the rink open sent a wave of excitement through her.
She had to appreciate the early morning hours because public ice rinks were always crowded around this time of year. Taking advantage of waking up early, she thought she could practice here for at least an hour today.
As she tightly fastened her skates, the dream came back to her mind once again. Wanting to erase it completely, she stood up quickly and took her first step onto the ice.
As she heard the sharp sounds of her blades cutting across the surface, her shoulders naturally straightened. After circling the rink several times, she held onto the boards and began preparing her muscles for training.
Once she felt properly warmed up, she pushed herself toward the center of the rink to practice her layback spin.
Moving out of the basic position, she balanced her weight on her supporting leg and began spinning in place. As she did so, she arched her back outward and lifted her head toward the sky.
After casting a sudden glance upward, she stopped abruptly but carefully.
Slowing down her rotation, she returned her bent arms and legs to their original positions and straightened herself.
Despite being a winter day, the sky was bright and flawless, painted with a clear blue hue.
When her mother's absence crossed her mind, the mother who could no longer experience this kind of sky, No Eul moved to a shaded side of the rink. As she increased her speed and began spinning again, different silhouettes of the person from her dreams appeared beneath her closed eyelids.
With every rotation came a different angle, lasting only as long as each spin.
"Is this just my imagination?"
The question briefly crossed her mind.
But soon, her legs grew tired, and she ended the spin.
The last thing she saw before opening her eyes was perhaps the saddest gaze she had ever witnessed in her life.
It wasn't her mother.
It was a man she had never met.
"Should I visit the shaman Yon Sun mentioned?"
As she muttered to herself, a voice echoing in her ears made her look around.
That was when she noticed there was a basketball court a few meters away from the ice rink. Wanting to take a closer look, she skated toward the edge of the rink.
There was no one on the court except a young man.
He was shooting baskets with his back turned toward her, making it impossible for No Eul to see his face.
For several minutes, No Eul watched the basketball player whose face remained hidden from her. Just as she was thinking about practicing a few more times before going home, the sight of his face shattered all her plans.
The person playing basketball on the opposite court was the same man who had appeared in her dreams for weeks.
And not only that, he was the same man who had recently begun appearing in her thoughts even while she was awake.
From that moment on, No Eul didn't know how she was moving.
She left the ice rink and hurriedly placed her skates into her bag. Within minutes, she entered the basketball court where she had seen him and called out without hesitation.
"Cheogiyo! Excuse me!"
The moment she realized how desperately she wanted to see the young man she knew only from her dreams in real life, her breath caught in her throat.
When the young man finally turned toward her, she found what she had been searching for.
The person standing before her was exactly who she had been looking for.
She took several steps toward him without taking her eyes off his face, but when she heard a sound behind her, she turned around.
A dog was scratching at the fence, trying to enter the court.
Before approaching the dog with pure white fur and large black spots covering its body, she looked back once more.
The young man was gone.
Confused, she walked toward the dog while speaking to herself.
"Am I going crazy? Or did this happen because I stopped taking vitamins?"
When she opened the gate and saw the dog's excitement, she smiled. She bent down, gently held its head in her palm, and began stroking its soft fur.
"You look so much like Casper. I used to have a dog that looked just like you. When my mother was still here... he was there too."
Her heart ached when the dog looked at her as if it understood every word she said.
Then, as an idea suddenly came to her, she felt a small light appear inside her world.
"Are you lonely too? Come here."
After carefully lifting the dog into her arms, she looked around one last time.
"Before I take you to the vet, should I make an appointment with a psychologist for myself too? Hmm?"
By the time she reached the veterinary clinic, it was almost noon.
When she entered the clinic, she came face-to-face with her friend, who was preparing to leave.
"No Eul! I didn't know you were coming!"
No Eul answered by showing her closest friend the dog in her arms.
"I wasn't planning on coming either. Not until I found this little sweetheart."
Her friend called her assistant and explained what procedures the dog needed.
"Hyun Soo will give him a bath too. Jin Su and I were going to eat together. Why don't you join us?"
No Eul tensed slightly when she heard the name, but she didn't let it show.
Although Jin Su, No Eul, and Yon Sun had been close friends since middle school, the old closeness between Jin Su and No Eul had disappeared after everything that happened between them.
"Maybe another time. I promised my aunt I'd have lunch with her."
Yon Sun smiled understandingly, but as she watched her friend, she realized how much she had missed her. She and No Eul had always been incredibly close.
Until No Eul's parents divorced and Jin Su's mother entered their lives.
***
Unaware of the surprise waiting for her, No Eul entered the police station where her older cousin worked.
As she looked at the new training schedule notification on her phone, she suddenly felt herself bump into someone.
When she lifted her head, she saw the last person she expected to see.
Her startled gaze remained fixed on the dark coffee-colored eyes in front of her for a long moment. The moment she felt a hand touch her arm, she was pulled back from the place where her mind had fallen.
"Are you okay?"
She thought she had forgotten how to speak.
Could she be having some kind of episode?
The illusions her mind had been playing on her for months had never disturbed her this much before.
And yet, a part of her felt strangely relieved.
The man from her dreams wasn't just something her imagination had created.
Then why was the man who had haunted her dreams standing right in front of her in real life?
The uneasy part of her and the relieved part of her began fighting against each other.
"Could it be possible that I saw you this morning?"
She was surprised by the words that slipped from her lips, but she tried to collect herself.
The young man's smile made her heart tremble as she desperately wished she could understand what was happening.
Did everything have to have a meaning? A logical explanation?
She had no answer.
"Considering I worked the night shift and just got off..."
He pointed toward the detention cells in the corner and smiled without hiding his amusement.
"Unless you're someone who was brought here last night as a suspect or a criminal and just got released?"
No Eul's eyes shifted toward the strange-looking people inside the detention area, and she flinched.
Her gaze returned to the living version of the man she saw in her dreams almost every night.
"I'm sorry. I must have mistaken you for someone else."
After saying that, they exchanged a small nod before walking in opposite directions.
As No Eul walked toward her older cousin, who had noticed her arrival, Haneul watched her from behind, carrying a longing for a future they would never get to have.
Haneul truly was the person from No Eul's dreams.
She had no idea.
But the things he already knew had begun hurting him long before she discovered the truth.
Outside, the wind blew through the streets, making the sunlight entering the room tremble.
Haneul looked at the branches of the trees swaying outside the window.
He took the book he had hidden from No Eul out of his pocket and let out a broken smile at the life that never existed.
January 21, 2016
No Eul was walking breathlessly through the narrow street lined with secondhand bookstores.
When her friend called to tell her that she had found the first edition of the book No Eul had been searching for for a long time, she had rushed out of the house without hesitation.
Actually, there had been no need for her to hurry this much. After all, her friend had already placed the book somewhere other customers wouldn't notice.
She was surrounded by the scent of memories left behind by old books.
Old books had a different kind of smell.
The pages might no longer be fresh, but the stories written on them felt more alive and vivid than the ones being told in the present, at least in her opinion.
With excitement filling her, she recalled the location her friend had given her.
Fifth row. End of the shelves.
Sports history section.
"Good job, Yon Sun. Who would even look through this section?"
The words echoed playfully in her mind.
When her fingers found the sixth row, she bent down slightly and began running her hand along the spines of the books lined there.
The moment she found the book she was looking for, she felt a small flutter in her heart.
As she ran her fingers over the slightly worn cover, the peaceful moment was interrupted by the vibration of her phone in her pocket.
She let out a troubled sigh and picked up the phone.
The moment she saw who was calling, she couldn't stop herself from feeling uneasy.
Normally, she could have ignored her father's call.
But lately, there had been a strange tension at home, one she couldn't understand the reason behind.
No Eul's eyes quickly moved toward the sign hanging beside her.
RULE 1: TALKING ON THE PHONE INSIDE THE BOOKSTORE IS NOT ALLOWED.
RULE 2: DO NOT TAKE BOOKS OUTSIDE BEFORE PURCHASING THEM.
RULE 3: DO NOT ENGAGE IN ANY BEHAVIOR THAT GOES AGAINST THE SPIRIT OF BOOKS.
No Eul quickly placed the book she was holding back among the sports books, hoping it wouldn't draw attention.
As she left the store, she noticed the owner searching for something between the shelves.
Unlucky timing.
Feeling disappointed, her only concern was speaking with her father as soon as possible and returning to buy the book.
As No Eul walked away from the shelves, a young man approached the same section and began quickly examining the books.
Although he knew exactly where to look, he didn't want to leave anything to chance.
When he reached the sports history section, every book there felt familiar.
When he finally found the book he had been searching for, pushed into a corner of the shelf, his eyebrows furrowed.
"Looks like someone who doesn't know how to treat books has been here."
He whispered the words to himself.
The moment his fingers touched the cover, a strange sensation spread through his chest.
It was the physical expression of the feeling that came from finally finding something he had desperately searched for over a long time.