If there was one thing I learned in life, it was this:
Never trust a quiet moment.
Because eventually, that quiet moment turns into me giving relationship advice to a scholar with the emotional range of a brick. Not even a decorative brick. Just… a standard issue Akademiya brick with legs and opinions.
Which was exactly where I found myself right now.
Sitting across from Alhaitham.
Beside me was Cyno, who looked way too invested for someone who should not be trusted with anything involving social interactions. Greg sat between us like a tiny green judge, tail flicking lazily as if he already knew this would end in disaster and had come purely to witness it.
And unfortunately for everyone involved—
I was in charge.
I leaned forward, resting my elbows on the table, fingers interlocked like I was about to deliver the most important lecture in Teyvat. Honestly, if there were students watching, I'd have charged Mora.
"Now listen here, biceps scholar," I began seriously. "I will only repeat myself once—"
"Thank the Archons," Alhaitham cut in immediately.
I froze.
Greg flicked his tail once.
Agreement.
Cyno wasn't even looking at us. He seemed to be deep in thought, staring at the table like he had just discovered the meaning of life.
Probably a terrible pun.
I slowly turned my head back to Alhaitham.
"…Rude," I said flatly. "But I understand."
I leaned back, crossing my arms with confidence.
"You have zero relationship experience," I continued. "Meanwhile, I have two beautiful, loving, smart, caring, strong, and extremely cute girlfriends."
I paused briefly, thinking.
"…One of them also wants to kill me sometimes. Especially the blonde one."
Greg nodded.
Cyno nodded.
Alhaitham did not care.
"So?" he said.
I pointed at him dramatically.
"That means I am qualified," I declared.
Alhaitham stared at me for a second like he was trying to decide whether this conversation was worth continuing, then sighed. "…Gonna continue with your lecture or what?"
I grinned.
"Oh, I'm just getting started."
And that was where everything went wrong.
The plan—if you could even call it that—started simple. Too simple. Which should've been the first warning sign. Every time I say "simple," it ends in chaos, property damage, or emotional trauma.
"You need presence," I explained, standing up and pacing slightly like a professional instructor who definitely had credentials. "Confidence. Timing. And most importantly—delivery."
"Delivery?" Alhaitham repeated, his tone flat but clearly questioning the logic behind my statement.
"Yes," I nodded, completely serious. "Like food."
He stared at me for a second, unimpressed. "…That makes no sense."
"It will," I said confidently, waving a hand like I was explaining something obvious. "Eventually. Give it time. Let it marinate. Good things take time—like stew. Or relationships. Or whatever this is supposed to become."
Cyno, who had somehow taken this entire situation far more seriously than he should have, raised a hand like we were actually in a structured learning environment. "Are we talking about delivering feelings," he asked thoughtfully, "or delivering lines?"
I paused, genuinely considering the question for a moment, because unfortunately it was a good one.
"…Yes," I answered.
Alhaitham didn't even blink. "…That doesn't answer the question."
"Exactly," I replied.
Greg flicked his tail once.
Approval.
I continued like nothing was wrong, because nothing was wrong. This was clearly going according to plan.
"Step one," I said, raising a finger as I straightened slightly, shifting into full lecture mode. "You approach her casually. Not too serious, not too relaxed. You need to look like you just happened to be there—but also like you meant to be there. It's a balance. Controlled coincidence. Natural, but intentional."
"I already do that," Alhaitham said.
"Wrong," I replied instantly, not even giving him time to breathe. "You do that like a robot. No aura. No presence. Just… walking logic. You don't arrive, you just… exist."
Cyno nodded like he had just confirmed experimental data. "He does," he added.
Alhaitham slowly turned his head toward him. "…You're not helping."
"I am observing," Cyno replied calmly.
"That's worse."
I clapped my hands once, sharp and decisive, pulling the conversation back under my control.
"Focus," I said. "Step two. Compliments."
Alhaitham frowned slightly, like the very concept was offensive to his existence. "…Why?"
I stared at him.
"…Why?" I repeated, slower this time, giving him a chance to rethink the question.
"Yes."
"…Because she's a woman?" I said, then immediately paused, realizing that sounded incredibly stupid the moment it left my mouth.
"…That is not a sufficient explanation," he said.
Cyno leaned forward slightly, clearly stepping in to salvage whatever this was. "Compliments increase affection," he explained. "It's a positive reinforcement system. Consistent validation improves emotional receptivity and strengthens interpersonal bonds."
I pointed at him immediately. "See? He gets it."
Alhaitham looked between us, unimpressed. "…Why is he making more sense than you?"
I ignored that completely.
"Step three," I continued, raising another finger, doubling down like a man who refused to lose control of his own lecture, "you show effort."
"And how do I do that?" Alhaitham asked.
I grinned.
"Flowers."
There was a brief silence—not empty, but loaded. The kind where everyone was evaluating whether I was serious.
Greg tilted his head.
Cyno nodded slowly. "Classic," he said.
Alhaitham closed his eyes briefly, like he was trying to suppress a headache forming behind his skull. "…I regret asking for your help."
"Too late," I said.
Ten minutes later, I returned.
"Behold," I said proudly.
In my hands was a bouquet. A very impressive bouquet. A very questionable bouquet. A bouquet that may or may not have included a few… dangerous elements I found nearby and decided added personality. It had color. It had shape. It had potential health risks.
Alhaitham stared at it.
"…Are those poisonous?" he asked.
"Adds excitement," I replied confidently. "Keeps things memorable."
He didn't even hesitate.
He hit me.
With the bouquet.
Directly in the face.
I staggered back slightly, clutching both the flowers and what remained of my dignity.
"RUDE," I shouted.
Cyno nodded thoughtfully, analyzing the situation like it was part of a study. "That was a striking gesture," he said.
Alhaitham immediately hit him too.
"…I deserved that," Cyno admitted without complaint.
Everything escalated very quickly after that.
There was no clear turning point. No moment where things became chaos. It simply… happened.
At some point, Alhaitham had grabbed Cyno by the collar. Cyno had grabbed my cheeks like he was stabilizing an object. And I—through a series of completely logical and necessary decisions—
Was biting Alhaitham's arm.
Don't question it.
It made sense at the time.
"…Why are you biting me?" Alhaitham asked flatly, not even struggling anymore.
"Self-defense," I mumbled, still mid-bite.
"That is not how that works."
"It is now."
Greg flicked his tail slowly, like he had given up on us entirely.
We froze.
Because people were staring.
A lot of people.
I slowly turned my head, taking in the surrounding crowd, the judgment, the confusion, the quiet realization that we had somehow become that group.
"…We look insane," I said.
"Yes," Alhaitham replied.
Cyno nodded.
"Very," he added.
Greg sighed.
Actually sighed.
Then jumped up and smacked all three of us with his tail.
One by one.
Clean hits.
No bias.
Judgment delivered equally.
We let go of each other.
Sat down.
Silence settled over us—not peaceful, but exhausted.
I cleared my throat.
"…So," I said carefully, adjusting my posture like this was still a professional setting, "flowers are still a good idea. Just… less poisonous. Maybe fewer sharp edges."
Alhaitham picked up the bouquet.
Looked at it.
Then threw it at me again.
"…No."
Cyno raised a hand once more, unfazed by everything that had just happened.
"I have a suggestion," he said.
We both looked at him.
"…Go on," I said.
"Protection detail," Cyno said. "Stay close. Guard her. Show reliability. Presence through action rather than words. Demonstrate value through consistency."
I blinked.
Alhaitham blinked.
"…That's actually not terrible," I admitted.
Alhaitham shook his head immediately. "It would only work on someone who requires protection," he said. "…Dehya does not."
"…Fair," I said.
Cyno slowly lowered his hand.
"…Rejected," he muttered.
We all sighed.
At the same time.
I leaned back, staring at the sky like a man questioning every decision that led to this moment.
"…This is harder than I thought," I admitted.
Alhaitham crossed his arms. "You don't say."
Cyno nodded. "Romance is complex," he said.
Greg flicked his tail.
Agreement.
I looked at the two of them.
Then grinned.
Slowly.
Dangerously.
"…Alright," I said. "New plan."
Alhaitham immediately frowned. "I don't like that."
"You don't have to," I replied.
Cyno leaned forward slightly, interest reignited. "I'm listening."
Greg settled down, tail still, posture focused like he was preparing for impact.
And just like that— the chaos escalated—again—and I took full responsibility for it, which is to say, none at all.
Honestly, at this point it wasn't even escalation anymore, it was just a natural progression. Like gravity.
Or Cyno's puns.
I leaned forward, cracked my neck like I was about to start a legendary lecture, and pointed at Alhaitham with absolute confidence, the kind of confidence that had no foundation but refused to collapse anyway.
"Alright, biceps scholar," I said, "time for execution."
"We didn't even have a plan," he replied immediately, not even giving me a second to pretend we did.
I put a hand on his shoulder anyway, firm and reassuring, like I was guiding him toward greatness. "Details. Plans are optional. Confidence is mandatory."
Cyno tilted his head slightly, clearly trying to follow the logic. "In what, exactly?"
I paused, stared into the middle distance like I was consulting a higher power, then nodded like I had reached enlightenment. "…Hopes and dreams. Maybe. Probably. We'll figure it out mid-battle."
Alhaitham removed my hand like it offended him on a philosophical level. "I should have asked Kaveh."
"Wrong," I shot back immediately, tapping my chest with absolute certainty. "You should have asked me sooner. Because I see what you don't."
"…Which is?"
"Vibes," I said.
Cyno nodded. "He does say that often."
"I live by it," I confirmed proudly. "Listen. You're treating this like research—observe, analyze, conclude. That works for books. Not for people. Especially not for Fire Mommy."
"…Stop calling her that."
"Never," I said instantly. "Focus. She respects strength, honesty, and people who don't waste her time. You? You talk like you're writing a thesis while accidentally intimidating your audience."
"I do not."
"You do," I said, already stepping forward. "Watch."
I straightened, folded my arms behind my back, and put on my best Alhaitham impression, lowering my voice slightly and adopting that calm, borderline condescending tone.
"'Hello, Dehya. Have you considered the long-term structural benefits of joining the Akademiya?'"
Cyno nodded seriously. "Accurate."
Greg flicked his tail in quiet agreement.
Alhaitham stared at me. "…That is not how I speak."
"That's exactly how you speak," I replied. "And that's why you need me."
He exhaled slowly, the kind of breath that suggested patience was being tested at a dangerous level. "…Continue."
"Good," I said, pacing slightly now, fully committed. "Step one: presence. You don't stand there like a statue with muscles. You exist with intent. You arrive. Step two: timing. Don't interrupt. Don't force. Wait for a natural opening—like a hunter, but less threatening. Step three: delivery. Simple. Honest. No essays."
"…Example."
"'Hey Fire Mommy, you look strong today.'"
"…No."
"It's honest," I argued.
"It's terrible."
"She'd laugh," I said. "That's progress. Laughter is step one. Survival is step two."
Greg flicked his tail like… maybe.
And then—
"ALHAITHAM!"
I turned immediately.
Oh.
This was perfect.
Kaveh marched in like a storm with legs, finger already pointed like a weapon. "You took my keys again, didn't you!?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Alhaitham said.
Lies.
Bold ones.
I grinned. "Well well. The architect arrives."
Kaveh looked at me, then Cyno, then Greg, his expression shifting from irritation to confusion. "…Oh. The monkey is here."
"Refined monkey," I corrected.
"Debatable," Cyno added.
"And Cyno too?" Kaveh crossed his arms. "Why are you all together? This looks like the beginning of a disaster."
"It is," Alhaitham said.
I stepped forward like a storyteller about to ruin someone's peace.
"Okay, listen," I said, pointing between all of us. "We were walking. Peaceful. Harmless. Then we see this guy—" I jabbed a thumb at Alhaitham. "—talking to Dehya. Calm. Professional. Totally normal."
I leaned in slightly.
"Except—he's staring."
"I was not."
"—a little too long."
"I was not."
"—and asking her to join the Akademiya like it's a job interview instead of a human interaction."
Kaveh snorted, clearly entertained now.
"So naturally," I continued, spreading my arms dramatically, "as a professional—two girlfriends, by the way—I stepped in."
"…Of course you did," Kaveh muttered.
"I analyzed the situation," I went on proudly. "Strengths: smart, reliable, built like a thesis with abs. Weaknesses: emotionally constipated, socially inefficient, and capable of turning 'hello' into a lecture that requires footnotes."
Cyno nodded. "Concise."
Greg flicked his tail.
"And THEN," I said, raising a finger, "I demonstrated."
I cleared my throat and did the impression again, even more exaggerated this time.
"'Hello, Dehya. Have you considered—'"
"Stop," Alhaitham said.
"—the socio-economic—"
"Stop."
"—implications—"
"STOP."
Kaveh burst out laughing, actually doubling over slightly.
"And that," I concluded, pointing dramatically at Alhaitham, "is why he needs me."
Kaveh wiped a tear from his eye. "Alhaitham? Dehya? That's ambitious."
"I call it destiny."
"I call it doomed," Alhaitham said.
Kaveh exhaled, calming down, then crossed his arms again. "I'm not joining this circus," he said, "but here's actual advice. Don't overcomplicate it. Be honest. Dehya isn't impressed by tricks or performances."
Silence.
I blinked.
"…That was useful," I admitted.
"…Agreed," Alhaitham said.
"Optimal," Cyno added.
Greg flicked his tail.
I immediately grabbed Kaveh's shoulder.
"Great," I said. "You're coming with us."
"…No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"…I hate this."
"Welcome aboard."
We started walking again, now a full squad of questionable decision-makers moving with confidence that had no justification. I could already feel this spiraling into something legendary—or catastrophic. Possibly both.
"Next mission," I said, "charm the Fire Mommy without embarrassing yourself."
"I will fail because of you," Alhaitham replied.
"Growth requires risk."
"Your existence is a risk."
"Thank you."
Cyno suddenly stopped mid-step, turned slightly, and reached out—grabbing someone with perfect timing.
Tighnari.
"…Why am I here?" he asked immediately, blinking at the group like he had just walked into a nightmare.
"Romance," I said.
He looked at Alhaitham. Then at Kaveh. Then at Cyno. Then at me. Then at Greg.
"…I was working."
"And now you're improving lives," I said.
"…I regret everything."
"Same," Alhaitham said.
"Same," Kaveh echoed.
"No regrets," Cyno added.
Greg flicked his tail like a judge passing silent verdict.
I clapped once, regaining control of the situation like a proper leader—which I absolutely was not.
"Final summary," I said. "Presence. Timing. Honesty. Confidence. No tricks. No poison flowers."
Alhaitham narrowed his eyes slightly. "…You brought poison flowers."
"Character development," I said.
"That is not development."
"It is if we don't do it again."
Kaveh sighed. "Why am I still here…"
"Because you care," I said.
"I don't."
"You do a little."
"…I hate that you might be right."
Tighnari pinched the bridge of his nose. "If this turns into a public incident, I'm leaving."
"Noted," I said.
I looked at all of them—this disaster of a team—and grinned.
"…Perfect," I said. "Let's go talk to Fire Mommy."
And just like that, with a direction that barely qualified as a plan and a team that absolutely should not exist, we moved forward—toward Dehya, toward disaster, and hopefully toward success.
…Probably.
…Maybe.
We'll figure it out.
____________________
End of Chapter 173
Quests Completed:
*Initiated an unlicensed "relationship consultation" for Alhaitham despite overwhelming evidence of personal bias and zero professional credibility.
*Assembled a highly unstable advisory team consisting of Cyno, Kaveh, and Tighnari, significantly increasing both intellectual capacity and chaos output.
*Delivered a full lecture on "presence, timing, and delivery" while failing to demonstrate any of the three consistently.
*Introduced a hazardous bouquet prototype containing potentially poisonous elements under the justification of "romantic excitement."
*Engaged in a multi-party physical altercation involving grabbing, dragging, and unexplained biting behavior in a public setting.
*Maintained confidence and authority throughout complete social collapse, reinforcing leadership status despite lack of results.
*Successfully recruited additional unwilling participants into the operation through persistence, emotional manipulation, and sheer audacity.
*Finalized a "plan" consisting primarily of vibes, instinct, and blind confidence.
Rewards:
*Adventure EXP +5,200
*22,000 Mora (Hazard pay for emotional, social, and intellectual damage inflicted on bystanders)
*Companionship EXP: +450 (Alhaitam, Cyno, Greg, Kaveh, and Tighnari)
*"Poison Bouquet Prototype" : (A romantic gift with questionable survivability. Increases memorability by 100%, trust by -30%.)
*"Biceps Scholar Resistance" : (Reduces tolerance of nonsense-based advice. Does not fully negate Shigeru.)
*"Cyno's Analytical Pun Engine" : (Converts serious discussions into unavoidable wordplay. Cooldown: nonexistent.)
*"Kaveh's Reality Check" : (Temporarily increases logic in chaotic environments. Often ignored.)
*"Tighnari's Regret Aura" : (Gradually increases desire to leave the situation.)
*"Greg's Judgment Protocol" : (Automatically corrects group behavior via tail-based intervention.)
*"Unlicensed Love Consultant Badge" : (Grants +50 confidence when giving terrible advice.)
*"Dual Girlfriend Authority Buff" : (Boosts persuasion power. Side effects include reckless overconfidence.)
*+15 (Sumeru Reputation — "Academiya Disturbance Unit")
Special Quest Unlocked!
Archon Quest (Side Arc): "Operation: Fire Mommy"
Objective:
Help Alhaitham successfully interact with Dehya without causing:
*Emotional damage
*Public embarrassment
*Property destruction
*Or all three simultaneously
Party Members:
*Shigeru (Chaos Core)
*Alhaitham (Reluctant Participant)
*Cyno (Pun Engine)
*Kaveh (Sanity Buffer)
*Tighnari (Escape Specialist)
*Greg (Judge, Jury, Tail Executioner)
Difficulty:
SSS-Rank (Self-Inflicted)