Hey, Folks.
How goes it?
I feel quite horrible for the people of Canada who must face the horror that is that raging wildfire...
I live in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and we are struggling with the sudden and very harsh drop in air quality.
I can only imagine how devastating that must be for the locals of Canada!
I pray that this passes soon, more so for Canada than for any of us here in the United States.
Our Government has a history of blowing hot air up everyone else's asses; it may just be about time we got a bit pushed back in our direction.
Lbvs.
I hope that you all are doing okay with the smoke and smog, and that it doesn't have a huge affect in anyone health.
This is as bad as it has been in quite some time, you know?
Kinda makes me think Mother Nature wants a lot of us dead.
Hmm.
This planet seems to throw an awful lot of adversity at humanity, yeah?
Mayhap WE are the problem with this planet.
Hmm, again.
Life has been rather interesting for me as of late.
I am seeing more and more that for us to gain anything, we must first give or lose something.
That is the simple and profound balance of the Universe.
I am okay with that.
I know that the Law of Equivalent Exchange is a real and true thing, and I know also that those of you who are Fullmetal Alchemist fans will understand and respect that a little more.
I used to ask God /The Universe for things.
For more.
Money.
Material things.
Companionship.
You know something?
I slowed down and took a good look around me...
I've realized that I am quite okay where I am.
I have a decent job.
I have all or most of the collectable things and whatnot that I wanted as A kid.
I have a small, loyal, amazing group of friends even though I am not really so close to my family as I would like to be.
I have a small, dedicated group of Readers who return to read my weird shit week after week, lol.
I shouldn't ask for more, and I will do my best not to.
There are many, many more people out here who could use those blessings a lot more than I ever could.
I am so grateful for all that I have, and even more so for all that I don't.
What is mine was meant for me; what is not, never was.
I will leave you all at that and see you all back here soon, yeah?
Enjoy!
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October 26th, 2013.
Journal #106.
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So, I spend time with XXXXX.
It's always good.
We talk, play Xbox, relax.
That's pretty much the only time I relax is when she comes by and we game and talk.
Maybe one day she will stay.
Just good company.
Who wouldn't want that?
I think I've been thinking too much lately, but then again, it's all for good enough reason.
I need to find something.
I need to find something...
But how can we come to find what we don't know we are looking for?
Stupid.
What I'm looking for is right in front of me...
Just out of reach.
Just out of reach.
Or am I looking in the wrong place?
I don't know...
Maybe there are bridges in life that could never be crossed, but not burned either.
But why have it if I can't cross it?
-----
Hmm.
- I really liked spending time with her back when we were just friends, you know? I had really hoped that nothing would change between us should we ever find ourselves together, but as you all must know by now, that was far from the reality of it.
- My mind was often restless and wandering. I have no idea why, but I have a bit of an idea now, years later with hindsight and a hell of a lot of healing...
I was and still am a writer.
My ex was so toxic that she choked that part of me off and suppressed it for nearly a decade.
Without my journaling or the ability to express my moods and emotions via poetry, I very nearly lost my sense of self and self-worth.
I slowly became a hollowed-out shell of the man I had once been.
Once I left her, I poured all of the pain, agony, loneliness, and all of the heaviness I felt into writing once again, and you know what came of it?
Want to know what all of the negative shit manifested?
One Last Knight. AS3. Volume 01.
Old Journals of a Millennial. Volume 02.
Shadows Before Dawn.
Dear You. Volume 01 & 02.
Fox & Faux.
Sunsets & Synthetics.
And so much more than I can list, on so many different levels.
We must take the bad and endure it in order to reach all the good that is worth it.
Flowers grow in dirt, you know?
- I was looking for the love of my life.
My forever person.
My wife.
I thought that she was that person, and I was quite wrong.
That bridge was meant to be built and even reinforced, but never crossed.
Not all bridges that we build are for us to use.
It took me 37 years and far too many heartbreaks to learn this lesson; my most recent ex was just the most well-defined version of that lesson.
- My mind was always in a state of flux, and a part of that was due to how deeply manipulated I was being. Beware, Folks...
Love can blind the shit out of you, and before you know it,
You've stubbed your toe on the corner of fate's desk and knocked over the proverbial jar of ink, thus incidentally blotting out and forever ruing your chances at ever finding a real version of what you thought love was...
Bah.
I am sure that love will find and captivate me when it is meant to.
I will be as patient as possible until then, yeah?
I will leave you all at that, and I will NOT promise to see you soon, lol.
I am just as subject to time's bullshit as all of you are, yeah?
I will do my best to get to you all next week, okay?
I hope the wildfires subside soon; we all could use a little fresh air right about now.
I love and appreciate you all, and I will see you next week, yeah?
Safe travels, Folks.
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Bluu.