Hey, Folks.
How have you all been?
Good, I hope.
I hope life has been treating you all well and that this message finds you all in the best possible place you could be.
Me?
I've been okay, not the best, but okay.
I did meet and get to know someone a week or so ago, and I had genuinely thought that we were growing towards something serious, you know?
I kinda liked her.
Like, for real.
But she had way too many red flags for me.
Too many catches.
Too many things I would have to constantly navigate in order to be happy.
Go read the latest entry of Dear You. N.T.M.F.C. V2, lmao.
One chapter closed, and another has just begun.
I've been speaking with a nice, kind woman as of the past few days, and there seems to be some promise here, lol.
I hope she is who and what she says she is, you know?
I tire of dating and getting to know people, lbvs.
It is tedious.
After a while, the joy of meeting new people is tainted by having to filter through all of the weird people out there.
Remember, Folks;
There are plenty of fish in the sea, yes...
But not all of them are edible!
I will see you all back here after the journal entry, yeah?
I love and appreciate you all.
Enjoy.
-
October 9th, 2013.
Journal #103.
-
Oh, God.
I'm so stupid.
I didn't look...
I didn't know she wrote here.
A nightmare...
All I can do is support her and hope... pray for the best possible outcome.
XXXXX has cancer...
I don't know how to feel about that.
I can't lose him...
I can't...
We can't.
He's too good of a man...
My boss says;
"When you help people, you often take on their stress, and it becomes yours."
That's my place in life...
To help.
I'll do it till it kills me.
I have to figure out something.
I hate seeing her like this.
I hate being so powerless...
She's feeling so much pain.
So much at once...
Mine is nothing compared to what she feels...
I have so many thoughts of a future with her...
I'm just crazy.
Quixotic...
Wistful.
I know my role in life, and I will follow it.
One of the greatest things we can find in our life is our place in others...
I know mine.
So, I don't bother fight it.
I keep dreaming.
Because dreams are so much better than reality.
You know...
Bah...
-----
Hmm.
- I can't recall what she wrote in my journal, but I do have a few stray pages that I put aside with her handwriting on them.
I'll have to find those and post them here for you all, so we can get a bit more context, lol.
I can't recall what she was going through outside of her Aunt having passed away, but in hindsight, I know now that she was just having a particularly bad manic episode.
I had no idea how bipolar she was, but she did.
She didn't want to be judged or called crazy, so she chose tequila instead of a therapist and meds.
Not a cool or healthy choice.
- My stepdad had been diagnosed with cancer, and unfortunately, I can't recall what form. I think it originated in his throat, though.
He was a kind man.
A giving man.
He was a Vietnam Veteran.
He had his flaws, but he did his best to always do his best.
I have told you all the stories about him.
Some of them were not so great depictions of him, but he wasn't a bad man.
He helped my Mum raise my siblings and me before she gave him three more children.
He passed away just before COVID-19 took America by storm, and you know something?
I am glad he went that way.
COVID-19 would have ravaged his already weakened frame, and that would have been torture.
Hmm.
- I was a fool to discount my own pains and problems for hers, but I was young, ignorant of her intentions, and madly in love. I couldn't help but do anything and everything for her. She knew that, and it would make for an extremely long 12 years of my life.
"When you help people, you often take on their stress, and it becomes yours."
This was so accurate, and I wish I had heeded that wise warning all those years ago, but I'm also a very "Everything happens for a reason" kinda guy, you know?
I don't think I would change anything about my past if I could.
- I still believe that knowing your place in other people's lives is very important. You have to know what you mean to the people in your life, or you can find yourself in some weird and strange situations.
I will leave you all at that, and I hope to see you all in the next one, yeah?
I love and appreciate you all, as always.
Safe travels out there, Folks.
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
- Bluu.