Never in his six months of being a robot had Marvin wished so badly that he could dream. It wasn't just the fact that Sienna had somehow found out his true identity—it was everything leading up to this point, too. Just one dagger after another.
"You have a minute, don't you?" Sienna repeated.
Marvin nodded slowly. He had no idea where this was going to go. He was far more equipped for a fight, but Sienna had come here expecting this confrontation. She had to have something up her sleeve.
She gestured for him to follow. They headed to the edge of the roof and stopped a few feet from the crude railing the Inspectors had set up after Sunwoo's suicide.
"How did you get like this?" Sienna asked. "Did you fake your death?"
"No, someone killed me," Marvin said. "Or drugged me. I don't know. Then Ainsel made me into this."
"I see," Sienna said bitterly. "So when Caroline and Amir came to us, they could've said who you really were and we would have avoided all this."
Marvin didn't reply. He wanted to reverse the last five minutes. He wanted to crawl into his metal hull.
"Right?" Sienna continued. "Ainsel wanted you for their experiment so they kidnapped you to turn you into an implant—"
"They didn't kidnap me," Marvin muttered. "Saeyung said so."
"Of course she'd say that."
But Marvin didn't think Saeyung had been lying. At that point, she had nothing more to lose. If she was willing to take pride in making his implant, why would she hide the fact that she'd kidnapped him?
"Why didn't any of you tell us?" Sienna said. "It would've connected all the dots. James would've believed you."
"It was too risky," Marvin whispered.
"Too risky? Sunwoo Park is dead because of you—" Sienna winced. "Because of this."
Marvin felt a clamp tightening around his head. Stop saying I killed Sunwoo. Please stop.
"Hell, Robert is dead because of this," Sienna said. "Bob. You remember him, don't you?"
Marvin widened his cameras. This was wrong. Sienna's fiance was alive, taking refuge in the badlands. She needed to know that, no matter if Bob had asked them to tell her he was dead. She needed to know that Marvin wasn't responsible for anyone's death, that he absolutely wasn't that kind of person.
"Why didn't you tell us who you were at that hotpot place?" Sienna said. "We had no idea what we were getting into."
"I didn't know who to trust." You have to tell her. She can't keep thinking Bob is dead.
"You had no problem throwing Theo under the bus."
"That's different," Marvin blurted out. That had been a calculated risk. He couldn't have been expected to sit around and wait for his killer to reveal themselves.
"Fine. But you still—" Sienna paused. Pursed her lips and shook her head. "Nevermind. This isn't why I'm here. I am sorry you're going through this; I know your teammates are in a rough spot with their debt to Centium, and it's not fair to them if I report this to Hosaka. So you have my word: I won't tell anyone who you are."
What? He was grateful, but… he felt like he didn't deserve this, either. This was too great a favor.
You can return it by telling her Bob is alive. Who cared what Bob had asked of them four months ago? It seemed to be doing Sienna more harm than good.
Yet Marvin couldn't find his voice. Maybe he recalled how sincere Bob's request had been. Maybe he was just scared of Sienna's reaction. Scared this would change nothing.
Whatever the case, he didn't speak.
Sienna continued, "But why I'm here… what I need to tell you is, you can't keep piloting, Marvin. There's a reason consciousness implants are illegal."
That was the final dagger. Marvin's cameras unfocused as he tried to comprehend how things had gone so wrong. Tried to comprehend why he felt more hurt by this than anything she had previously said.
"What if I don't stop?" The question slipped out without precaution.
"Again, I have no right to tell Hosaka." Sienna took a step forward and lowered her voice. "But you're not a cheat, are you? You're not like the people who killed Robert."
Usually, Marvin would have remained silent, let his social anxiety take over and retreat into his shell. But he couldn't lose this, not after everything else.
"They killed me, too," he said, steeling his voice. "I made Mecha Realm! I should've been there!"
Sienna didn't waver. "Yes, last year's Marvin Yao deserved to go to Mecha Realm. But you're different. You evolve faster, see things slower than your opponent, remember every little bit about each fight. How is that fair to the rest of us? How is that fair to the human pilot you'll replace at Mecha Realm who worked just as hard?"
Marvin stared at her, the rain ripping his thoughts apart. How could she be so wrong, yet objectively correct? Was his existence genuinely unfair to his competitors, people he had been training for years to fight against?
Sienna's gaze turned sympathetic. "I'm just asking you to do the right thing.""
Then she turned and walked back to her shuttle without a goodbye. The thrusters ignited in purple flames, and the hovercraft disappeared.
How can she make that comparison between me and my killer? It was unreasonable, immature. He would never stoop to such low levels.
But he was still cheating. No matter how you looked at it, he was breaking the rules of mech-fighting. He'd agreed to do something illegal in exchange for others to help him to do the right thing.
It's not like that, he told himself. Ben and Renee were on a time crunch with their debt to Centium. They needed the money from Mecha Realm.
But why does it have to come from Mecha Realm? Was that only Caroline's idea so she could have an excuse to win the tournament?
No. She was selfish, but not evil enough to deceive Ben and Renee and drag them along. Mecha Realm truly was their best chance to escape from Centium.
Still, there was no reason Marvin should pilot anymore. He'd done enough harm: killing Sunwoo, killing Bob…
No, you didn't kill them—
Yes you did. You lied to Sienna. You lied to Sunwoo. You had no remorse at all when you were cheating in those mech duels. You're not a good person. You're not human.
His thoughts began to turn liquid, then gaseous until he was churning with unprocessable emotions. Eventually, one particular thought eclipsed the rest:
I wish I could stop thinking.
And he did. Suddenly, every processor in his body seemed to shut off. His cameras still registered the view, his microphones still registered the sounds of the city, but he was no longer aware of any of it. He was severed from life itself, apathetic to everything.
It wasn't peaceful like he'd hoped. It was terrifying. That had been less like tuning out and falling asleep and more like killing himself with a single command. How could he have that control?
He pulled himself out of it, let his fear and anger and guilt come back. He needed a distraction. Needed to figure out how to go forward before he fell into a hole he couldn't climb out of.
-----
The taxi picked him up from the apartment's shuttle bay, then cut through the rain towards the edge of the city. It flew into the grasslands and slowed when it neared a lone house. Landed beside it and dropped him off.
If there was any indicator of how to proceed with his life, he would find it here at Caroline's old house. There had to be more answers hidden in this place. Something that would recontextualize his existence, that could disprove what Saeyung and Sienna had said. Something he could just grab a hold of.
The house's interior hadn't changed since the Inspectors came through. The same empty picture frames with dust sitting atop, the same empty kitchen with the open cupboards, the same neglected staircase off to the side.
Marvin went upstairs. He headed to the door that was slightly ajar, where past it he could see toy mechs lined up on the bed's headboard. With a gentle press, he pushed the door open the rest of the way. It barely made a noise compared to his footsteps when he stepped into the room. Like the rest of the house, the room was nearly all cleared out. There was only a bed, a drawer, and a wall closet. Plastic wrapping covered the mattress, striped with tiny streaks of light that the boarded window let in.
Marvin examined the mechs on the headboard. He had some of those figurines himself. He remembered bashing their oversized heads together, pretending like they were fighting.
That wasn't even me, he thought. That was the Marvin Yao I'm a copy of.
He looked at the open space in front of the window and imagined a desk there. Imagined Caroline sitting at that desk, illuminated by a lamp, doing homework or maybe assembling a mech part.
What do you hope to find here? a voice asked him.
Marvin walked to the drawer. He pulled open the top shelf. There were a few notebooks and folders and a stray pencil. He noticed a flash of bright yellow poking out from under a folder, and he removed the folder and held up a piece of paper. It was a colored-pencil drawing a six-year-old would have made: a round head with horns, a blocky body with shoulder pads, two unnaturally thin legs, and two thin arms with triangles at the ends of them. Behind the body was a pair of semicircles that Marvin figured were wings, or maybe rocket boosters.
A mech.
He gently folded the paper and tucked it in his pocket. It felt sacred for some reason. Then he opened the bottom drawer.
Picture frames. At least a dozen. Most of them were blank, and some were broken in two. But a few contained memories of a former life. Caroline with her friends at her high school graduation. Caroline sitting on the shoulders of the first mech she'd built. Caroline posing for some photoshoot her parents had probably forced her to do. And Caroline with her parents themselves: her mother, a blonde woman, smiling wide with her arms wrapped around her daughter. And her father…
Marvin blinked. Refocused his cameras. That can't be.
The man in that photo—who had one hand on his wife's shoulder and one hand resting on Caroline's head—was Amir Kaleid.
Marvin's chest tightened. We were working with her dad this whole time. Every single stilted interaction between Caroline and Amir had been between a daughter and father. Every time Caroline or someone else brought up her father, the former Inspector, they'd been talking about Amir.
That was when Marvin understood why she wanted to win Mecha Realm. She had lost everything.
-----
The next two days passed in a blur. Before Marvin knew it, the Rain Festival was in its last hours. The rain had slowed to a drizzle and fog was beginning to fill the megacity. Despite the members and friends of Team Sabersong having little energy, Ben still convinced them to go to one of the festival grounds that night.
"This is the biggest group I've ever gone with," he said.
Marvin could relate. He hadn't been one to go out often with his high school friends.
They went to Sector 58's festival, held in the shalewheat fields around a luminescent river. The Manhunters no longer posed a danger after they had been dismantled by Hosaka thanks to Ishaan's report.
According to Amir, Ainsel's trials had been shut down and Saeyung was in jail. The Inspection had searched the rest of her lab but couldn't find Marvin's body nor anything about Caroline. The future of the company would be voted on in a closed government meeting.
Amir had questioned Saeyung privately about Marvin's body. She claimed they had burned it. Amir hadn't believed it, demanded her to tell the truth, to do one good thing before she was sentenced to either death or life in prison. Still, she said the body was burned.
Marvin didn't react as strongly as he would have expected. It seemed Saeyung's words had gotten to him. He'd already accepted that until a miracle happened, he would never return to his human form.
He tried not to think about it. Whenever he started spiraling into existential dread, he would shut himself down for a few hours and allow his mind to reset.
Fortunately, that didn't happen often. Most of the time, he forced himself to think about Mecha Realm—to pilot or not? He told himself again and again that he'd made up his mind, but he couldn't bring himself to talk to Caroline. He hadn't even shown her the picture of her and Amir.
Now, as he walked along the dirt path between the festival's tents, stands, and tall hanging lamps, he found himself getting farther from her. He fell into step beside Ella, who had just left a conversation with Renee. She and Ishaan seemed to be getting along with everyone nicely.
They walked in silence for a bit, with Ella occasionally giving Marvin concerned glances. Everyone was doing that. They knew about his fight with Legionnaire, his talk with Saeyung save for the part about Caroline's memories, and his talk with Sienna. They probably thought he could snap at any second. Maybe that was true, but right now, he just wanted to figure out why he couldn't approach Caroline. She had a right to know Amir was her father at the very least.
At length, Ella spoke.
"I'm gonna be honest, I have no idea what you're going through." She scratched the back of her neck. "But you can talk about it with me. If you're comfortable."
"Thanks," Marvin said. But he didn't want to think about his humanity. He only wanted to ask for advice on Caroline, yet he couldn't find the words.
"You don't want to talk about it," Ella said.
"Maybe later."
Ella glanced at Caroline at the front of their group, then back to him. "Is she still mad you cut the feed?"
"It's not just that," Marvin said. He tried to say more, but his voice box wouldn't carry out his commands. They fell back into silence.
Jeez, why am I even here? What was the point of walking with anyone if he was just going to radiate his negativity onto them? He wondered if he should have even come at all. He could pretend to be lively, to add to the fun, but people would pick up on his inauthenticity sooner or later.
After a few seconds, he heard a tap on his shoulder. Ella was pointing to a boxing machine nestled between two food stands.
"I bet I could get a higher score," she said.
Marvin let out an involuntary laugh. "Are you serious?"
"It's not really about strength; it's more about technique."
"I don't think technique matters at my level."
"Oh yeah?" Ella headed to the machine.
As Marvin watched her receding figure, he felt a pang of sadness. If he never became human, he would never get to tell her how he felt. She would find some guy who was leagues more socially adept than him, and he would live the loneliest life stuck in this metal shell.
Unless he just told her now. It wouldn't go so well, but he could always get it out of the way. And maybe there was hope; people dated cyborgs, and was this that much different?
He noticed Ella waving, shoved the thought aside, and jogged after her. They played the game and she ended up being right—she did get a higher score than him, because when he punched the bag, it flew off its hinges and didn't hit the pressure plate, resulting in a grand 0. They got a good laugh out of it, and for a moment, Marvin felt like nothing was wrong with him.
But as the night drew to an end, he found himself getting lost in his thoughts again. Destructive ones, ones that told him his life was meaningless if he could never be a human. He decided then that he needed to confront Caroline, if only to forget about the dread.
He waited till she was done talking to Ben, then fell into step beside her and asked if they could have a moment alone. Realization passed through her eyes and she nodded.
The two of them split from the others and walked down to the riverbank. The water was glowing blue like the aqueducts, peppered with ripples from raindrops. Across the river, past a tall row of shalewheat, were dim string lights from a parallel line of festival stands. They seemed farther than they should have been, like stars on the horizon. It was quiet; the soft rain eclipsed the sounds of people.
"I'm sorry," Caroline began with a sigh. "I should've talked to you sooner."
Marvin shook his head. He had been the one to ask for silence, and he was responsible for breaking it.
"Or at least I should've said this sooner," Caroline continued. "Thank you for everything you've done. I know it's not really feasible anymore. Piloting for us."
Yes, it was the dumbest thing in the world to stay on Team Sabersong, yet Marvin trusted Sienna to keep her word and not tell anyone. And yes, he'd be letting her down, and he completely understood her morals, but she didn't understand that he needed this. He needed something to live for.
"I still want to pilot," Marvin said.
Caroline looked at him in surprise. "What?"
"I want to pilot at least till Mecha Realm is over."
"But Sienna—"
"She won't tell anyone. If you're not comfortable with it, then that's okay. But I still want to pilot."
"Marvin, you won't get anything from this. Unless we out ourselves for cheating, no one will know who you are and what you've been through."
"I know."
"So why?"
Because he understood her now. He wanted Ben and Renee to clear their debt, of course, but more than that, he wanted Caroline to stand on the winner's podium in Mecha Realm. It was the last thing she had left, and piloting was the last thing Marvin had.
He reached into his hoodie's pocket and took out the picture: Caroline, her mother, and Amir. He didn't show Caroline for fear it would trigger a memory, but she seemed to know at least where it was from by the way he held it slightly away from himself.
"I want you to win," Marvin said. "That's it."
If he could help her realize her dream, maybe his life as this metal husk wouldn't be meaningless.
Caroline blinked. "It has to be more than that."
It's because I don't want to think about my humanity. It's because I need a distraction, something to obsess over.
"I guess it's because you're my friend, too."
Caroline's gaze fell. "Am I? I feel like I've been treating you like a tool."
The sudden confession caught Marvin off guard. He'd been muddled in his own worries thus far, but this deserved his full attention. He willed himself to forget the things plaguing the back of his mind and immerse himself in the moment. Did he feel that way, too? It was true that Caroline rarely talked about anything other than mech-fighting with him, and she treated him as her own project sometimes, but she'd done plenty of things that showed she cared. Not about Marvin as a robot, but Marvin as a human being. Maybe she didn't classify as a friend like Ben or Renee, but she was a good person.
"Well… I would like us to be friends," Marvin said.
Caroline looked up and a tiny smile spread across her face, as if she were scared he'd take back his words.
"Me too," she said.