Kai leaned against the stairs in the Physical Kids' cottage, watching Quentin enthusiastically explain the concept of "Questing" to a very skeptical Kai.
He couldn't help but do the math in his head. This group had died over thirty damn times. Honestly, it was a miracle reality hadn't just blue-screened and given up on them out of sheer boredom. Watching the same events play out over and over again had to be exhausting for the universe. Every single person in this room had experienced being brutally murdered, soul-ripped, or physically erased at least twice… well except for him of course but still It was their only consistent hobby.
'And here we go again,' Kai thought, rubbing his temples as he watched Quentin's hands fly through the air. On the latest episode of "How to Get Your Soul Shredded," we have a mysterious quest.
"A book with blank pages?" Kai asked, his voice cutting through Quentin's frantic rambling like a chilled blade. "Let me see that."
Quentin handed over The Tales of the Seven Keys with the reverence of a priest holding a holy relic. Kai flipped through it, his eyes darkening as he saw the transition from elegant script to that stark, mocking emptiness.
'Zelda, you manipulative old, sexy, long legged milf bat,' Kai cursed internally.
He had spent the last month busting his ass, kidnapping gods, and building literal biological power plants just so they wouldn't have to rely on the old system. He was trying to bypass the "Plumber's" and their bureaucratic locks entirely. He was offering them a way to be the masters of their own source. And yet, the moment he made real progress, Zelda "coincidentally" handed Penny the one thing that leads straight back to the Castle at the End of the World.
Quentin blinked, sensing the sudden drop in temperature in the room. "Is there a problem?"
Kai slowly turned his head to look at him, his expression a mask of exaggerated wonder. "A problem? No, Quentin. Why would there be a problem? I mean, besides the fact that your situational awareness is roughly on par with a concussed goldfish? Is that what you're asking?"
The room went silent. Quentin looked around, confused by the jab, until Kai let out a sharp, dry bark of a laugh. "Uh-huh. I didn't think so. Look, let me break this down for you in words that don't require a PhD in 'Dying Repeatedly.' You don't fucking jump on every single quest that's dangled in front of you like a carrot. Some of them lead to the end of your breath, and you can't all depend on those resurrection rings I gifted you to bail you out every time you decide to be a martyr."
He paced the length of the rug, his frustration boiling over. "What the fuck am I even doing? It's not like you guys ever listen to the smartest person in the room anyway."
Alice crossed her arms, "I don't see what the big deal is. Eliot is already heading to After Island to collect taxes. It's a total coincidence that Penny received a quest for the exact same location."
"Yes!" Quentin added, regaining his footing. "Two birds, one stone! Come on, Kai. If this can help us bring magic back, don't you think we oughta do something? We're the ones responsible for magic being gone in the first place."
Alice looked at the ceiling. "Well, technically, that's because Kai tricked one god to kill another and then turned the survivor into a glorified battery."
"Why, thank you, Alice, for stating the obvious," Kai snapped, rolling his eyes so hard it probably hurt. "I was there. I remember the smell of divine ichor. It was lovely."
"Penny is with him already," Quentin pointed out. "And Kady."
"Oh, and Eliot mentioned the 'bug problem' is getting worse," Alice added. "The fairies are breathing down their necks."
Kai let out a long, theatrical sigh that practically rattled the windowpanes. "Oh yeah. There's that. Those sparkly winged pests. Fine. Whatever." He turned on his heel. "Excuse me for a minute. I need to go speak to someone who actually possesses a survival instinct."
He stormed up the stairs to the second floor, pushing into the room where Alicia was waiting. She looked up from a book, arching an eyebrow at his agitated state. "What was all that commotion about down there?"
Kai leaned against the doorframe, "Well, it would seem the Scooby Gang has developed a brand new hobby: finding creative and spectacular ways to commit suicide," Kai drawled, his voice dripping with dark irony. "They've apparently found a 'map' to bring magic back. It's very 'Lord of the Rings,' minus the dignity."
Alicia sat up, her eyes widening. "Wait, what? That's great, isn't it? Isn't that what you wanted?"
Kai made a non-committal humming sound. "In theory? Yes. In practice? That particular method leads to more drama than a high school theater department. I was hoping to avoid the 'Seven Keys' dumpster fire and focus on my own little side-drama with the gods, but it looks like I'll have to shake things up a bit."
Alicia set her book down, her gaze intensifying. "Need any help?"
Kai looked at her, a slow, genuine smirk spreading across his face. "As a matter of fact, yes. Yes, I do. You see, the Seven Keys aren't just shiny trinkets. They are a coagulation of magical concepts that don't just open a door but are also able to impose conditions."
"What?" Alicia asked, tilting her head.
"They impose certain concepts and conditions onto those who touch them," Kai explained, his eyes flashing with scientific hunger. "The effects vary, but let's just say they like to play with the user's head and physical positioning in reality. It's a psychological minefield."
The door creaked open further as Julia stepped in and seeing the expression on both her lovers faces she couldn't help but ask, "What's going on?
——————-
Dean Henry Fogg sat in the high-backed leather chair of his office, he looked at the boy standing before him and then at Julia and Alicia.
"Irene McAllister?" Fogg repeated, the name tasting like ash in his mouth. "I don't see any reason why you'd want to see that woman. She's a vulture in a Chanel suit, and currently, she's one of the few people in this world with enough political capital to make my life a living hell."
"Oh, it's quite simple, Henry," Kai said, leaning against the table and tracing a line on it with an innocent look on his face. "She has a certain item I'd like to permanently borrow. You know, for the greater good. Or my good. Whichever comes first."
Fogg leveled a flat stare at him. "You mean steal."
"What? No. Heavens, no," Kai said, his voice dripping with faux-indignation. "It's not stealing when it's public property that anyone can just up and grab for use. It's more like... cosmic eminent domain. If a god leaves a toy lying around and a socialite picks it up, it's basically finders-keepers for the first person who can actually use it."
Julia blinked, looking at Kai with a deadpan expression. "Kai... that's still literally the definition of stealing."
"Whatever you want to call it, Jules," Kai shrugged, his eyes dancing. "She has it, and I want it."
Fogg rubbed his temples with his fingers trembling slightly. "And what does this item do exactly? Why risk a confrontation with the McAllisters?"
"Oh, just a minor thing," Kai remarked, inspecting his fingernails. "Like opening the tap to bring back magic."
Fogg froze, "What?"
"Ah, yes. You see, the Library thought it would be wise to try and get your beloved students to go after these magically devastating items. They want them to open the metaphorical floodgates for magic," Kai explained. He let out a sharp laugh. "It's genius on their part, really. I mean, who else would you give the job to? If not the death-eluding group who always manage to screw up and get the job done at the same time?"
Alicia and Julia both shot Kai a sharp glare, but he only winked in response.
Fogg leaned back, his mind racing. 'That definitely sounds like the Library,' he thought bitterly. 'Always using children as pawns in a game where they own the board.' But his gaze kept drifting back to Kai.
The boy was smiling, but Fogg's enchanted glasses, the ones meant to see the flow of the magic outline of things, were showing him something terrifying. The outline of Kai's body wasn't just bright; it was overwhelming. It was a jagged, searing white light that seemed to vibrate against the fabric of reality itself. If Henry didn't know any better, he'd have thought the boy's very essence was... agitated.
"I want Julia to go with you to see Irene," Kai commanded, breaking Fogg's train of thought. "You'll find another one of the keys in that fairy-infested house of hers."
Julia's eyes widened. "What? Fairies? Kai, you said—"
"Nothing for now, at least," Kai interrupted, his smile widening.
Fogg narrowed his eyes. "And why aren't you going yourself? If this is so important to your grand design, why delegate?"
"Oh, that would be because I'm going to the bookstore," Kai said, his tone shifting into something dangerously playful, "I want to see what else they have in store for us. Maybe pick up a light read on how to dismantle a divine bureaucracy."
Henry felt a cold shiver crawl down his spine. Did he trust the boy? Hell no. Who would trust a magician as unpredictable as a wildfire? A boy who imprisoned gods on a whim and treated the apocalypse like a social calendar? It would be sensible, Henry thought, to run in the opposite direction.