Two-sided Mirror
I was there. And I wasn't
_
'You deserve better....'
Was it a line I said that was so true?! So true that it kicked me out of the limit that has been set. So true that I never knew what lies sound like.
'You could have noticed. You might not. There was always something that felt like it would never let me be closer. Even if it is just the slightest wind, I could have felt the same. And I was watching everything he did till the end. Always a comparison pulled me back.'
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'Dwarshuis, you said you love blue? Am I looking good in it?' Sammy Harper asked with all of his expectations floating in his eyes. Ben Dwarshuis, on the other hand, was busy wrapping a gift. And he was doing it quickly. Sammy comes and tilts his face to see if it's done. Dwarshuis is fixing the final wrap. 'Yeah, you're looking pretty.' He says. As Sammy smiles.
He was happy. It was something like- You gave a piece of bread to a puppy and it will remember you forever.
But Harper was human. Indeed, some things feel impeded by the feeling he has had for thousands of years. It wasn't in a glimpse to feel it move upside down. It burns slowly. Not letting an inch go.
"Dwarshuis, tell me one thing. Was she better than me?" Sammy asks frankly. He did not mean anything. But someone pulled the gut to increase. "Ahm! What if I say YES?" Dwarshuis joked. Sammy pats his shoulder and adds, "Then say it." "No, you are the best, Harpy." Dwarshuis declared and gave a kiss on his forehead. Sammy closed his eyes and smiled.
'I was always happy to listen to whatever he says about me. And that was the moment. I was just a fool to love him. Or, maybe it made me like that. Made me believe he is the one person who exists there. And all the way it was so good for me.'
Not every reason requires a statement. From the very beginning, there was a fortune teller who ensured how their future would be. In the end, he escaped just to hide his face, expressing the difficulties.
Hiding in the shade, and nowhere to be seen. It was always a confusion between the two sides. And Dwarshuis always stays in the middle.
"You're looking worried," Sammy says. "Ahm! Yeah. I am confused- Which one should I pick," Dwarshuis conquers while pointing out two flower vases. Sammy takes a look and he selects the left one. "You can pick it. It's better." "Ah! Or should I pick any other thing?" Dwarshuis is still confused. "Maybe it's perfect for a birthday gift," Sammy says, taking the vase from his hand while ensuring. "Alright, I'll see," Dwarshuis says.
'Every little moment was pushing me away. So far that I can not even see his existence. It always seemed it was a two-sided mirror. I can see each movement from one side while he's caring about everything he loves right on the other side. I was there. And I wasn't. It always seemed like I couldn't touch him. Only watching him vanish from sight was my dearest nightmare.'
The silence was everything. Maybe words are not enough. Maybe some tears can write the next chapter. Maybe some deep breaths find the next path.
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"You didn't tell me that you're making cake?" Sammy asked when he found out Dwarshuis on the kitchen in the middle of the night. "Ahm! Yeah, I wasn't sure," Dwarshuis confirmed. "Here. Let me help you." Sammy offers. "No-no, you go and sleep. I know you're tired. And I can do the rest. It won't take much time. I am making the cream ready-" "Oh! You are making Italian Meringue cream?!" Sammy asked in shock, trying to remember something. "Yup. You go first, I am coming," Dwarshuis says. As Sammy went while saying- I want the big piece.
Sammy was still happy, taking every step on the stairs like he was climbing to the top of his expectations. He wished he could say it was all expectations. As it always stays the same. And till the end it broke into pieces. And yes he wanted the big piece!
'I don't know why he just chose to hide those things from me. From the start, I was worried about him, and every single moment I was taking notes, marking the things so that he would not be deprived of any sort of happiness. I was doing my best to make him happier than he ever imagined. I was trying to be closer to shelter him when it's raining and to cover him when it's cold. But the more I try to get closer, the more unfamiliar it becomes. Each movement comes to me like I don't know them. And it repeats as new. It brings the confusion up again. It collapsed in my brain. Like I didn't know.'
He takes a deep breath. He tries to settle down his head before starting the reason that always helped him stay aside. He did hold the hands. But never got it back.
He never pushed his luck away. And tried a new thing. Always stays the same. Even if it was unworthy.
"Dwarshuis, did-did he love your gift?" Sammy asked. "Yeah. Why not?" Dwarshuis answered with a big smile on his face. "Oh!-- I, I mean you're looking sharp and handsome tonight. I couldn't take my eyes off," Sammy says. Dwarshuis looked at himself. And then answered, "Tonight's special one."
'And that was the time when I first understood I had never seen that expression on his face. He was so happy. And I never could be the reason. I was always letting everything go just because he did not like any of it. And tried to welcome things I hated but he loved. I did not count any of it. I love him, wasn't it enough to be the reason?'
'I was looking at him when he was wrapping the gift. I was staring when he was selecting the gift. I was noticing when he was making the cake and he wore blue.'
'He chose the two because he was confused. He wrapped it so nicely that it could impress someone. He made someone's favourite cream. He chose blue not because he loved it but- but someone did.'
'He didn't even look at me when he told me I was looking pretty. Did he ever tell me any truth? Were all the tears fake?'
'Richie, he never said that he loved someone else before. Each time I asked he changed. I mean it's so normal to love someone but I found out. Why should I find out? Why is it still bothering him? How can it bother him?'
'Now, I realise I was only his back-up. As he never loved me. It was just a confession and staying for the sake of it. He only loved once. Though he didn't get it, yet he couldn't forget.'
'He never saw me. I was there behind his reflection, noting all the things he loved. And when I came forward, I just matched and I couldn't resemble. Huh! The corner of my heart knew there was only me keeping those apart. Maybe in that way, I used to save myself. But one drop of lime soda is enough to turn the milk bitter. '
Richardson did not say anything in the end. He could watch how someone hadn't been totally changed in those months. He extended the tissue and let the water flow.
....