Since I felt really sick this morning I stayed home. But I soon got bored. I have home empty all for me but I don't know how to kill the time. I keep going down and up stairs. Countless have been the number of times my gaze fell on the door of what used to be my mother's room. I haven't seen it in so long. My feet stop working everytime I try to enter it.
"I'm home early.", announces my dad as he closes the door shut. I head towards him and wave at him. "School called telling me you were absent today...". His tone is very standard - not angry nor happy. I get the feeling that there's something else on his mind.
"Yeh, sorry... I would have called to let you know but I didn't want to disturb you." I make out a smile to say the following words expecting a similar reaction from him, "everything okay?"
He squizzes him temples with his left hand as he normally does when his stresses about something. This makes me automatically sit down on the couch, knowing that he would have asked me to anyway.
"This is very hard for me to say. Before you get mad or something I want you to know that I tried to avoid this as much as I could but there's no other option at the moment..." he sighs heavily and his gazes fixes on my eyes, possibly trying to read my reaction to whatever he is trying to tell me. "I'm selling the house."
Silence suddenly falls flat and slaps me right across the face with such terrible words.
I stand up and make out the word 'okay' and head straight to my room. Soon after warm tears start dripping down my face and my body rapidly feels cold searching for a cosy duvet to keep me warm. I look at the time 12:37, Alis should be able to take my call at this time. The phone rings a couple times and soon after I'm welcomed by Alis's energetic voice which makes me smile a little despite the news I just received.
"Th-th-the house is... My dad is selling the house... I c-c-can't believe it..." I struggle to get the words out if my mouth. My bottom lip is trembling and voice is shaking.
"Be there in 5. I don't want you to go through this alone, I know how much that house means to you". I feel so lucky to have her as friend right now. To be willing to drop everything to help me means the world to me.
Around half an hour later Alis knocks at my bedrooms door and salutes me with a hug. "How are you feeling?"
"Sad. I honestly can't express my feelings any other way..."
She nod knowingly and we sit together in silence for some time.
°°°
That afternoon, upon analisation and methodical thinking with Alis, I decide that I will finally enter my mother's room.
"That room has been on my mind all day for years now, unable to enter it and you think I have the means to do it now! Nah-ah" I shake my head vigorously, pacing back-and-forth in my room while Alis sits on my bed with her legs crossed.
"I get that it's hard, actually no, I don't know exactly what you are feeling like... But I'm here to help you every step of the way. You got this!"
Her charming words finally get to me, after literal hours of complaining and making excuses. Today I will finally enter my mom's room, no second thoughts.
"Ok-ok-ok... I better do it now before I regret it. Do you mind..." I don't even finish my sentence that Alis nods in response and gives me two thumbs up to encourage me.
Entering my mother's room after such a long time is really something. Each time I touch the door knob I picture it differently. But once I finally open it I'm completely swept off by the scent that her clothes have left.
They are all neatly hanged on a stand in clothing cases which are big and dusty now. Right in front of it there's her bedside table with all of her agendas and papers. I walk through the room many times, reminiscing about the times this room was filled with her presence. I take in every second of it and focus on the smallest details.
Noticing a few loose papers and letters on the bedside table, I kneel in front of it and start looking at them. A few dusty pictures, a couple of old bills, random scrap pieces of paper and..., her old agenda with a letter creeping from it. Year 2002, the year I was born. The letter has my name on it and impatience pushes me to open it. I put it on one side and proceed putting the things I moved back into place to then catch up with Alis.
"I found this letter, it has my name on it."
"Do you want to read it now?"
I nod my head in response and begin reading:"Dear Joy,
If you're reading this, it means that I wasn't brave enough to tell you personally. I am ashamed of the decision I took in the past. I'm so incredibly sorry to tell you this trough a piece of paper. But you deserve to know. If you'll decide to hate me after reading this, I won't blame you.
I don't know how to word this but I'm trying. I want you to know what I am going through.
A few weeks ago I had a mental breakdown. I began to feel dizzy and not able control my emotions. This because that week, after a long time I actually saw your father. Your biological father. I also saw his son, our son, your brother, after six years I saw him, all grown up and content. He didn't recognize me, but I did. And I ran away. I was scared of what that meant. I never wanted to separate the two of you. It was a collateral effect due to my divorce with your father.
I never told you this things because I did not know what your reaction would have been like, if you would have still looked at me with the same eyes. Seeing him made me realize that I had to write this letter unless you wouldn't have ever found out due to my cowardness. It's hard to express this properly.
Me and your father divorced three years after you were born. You and your brother kept in touch because you began to attend the same school. But that was just for a year because they decided to leave the city, thinking that it would have made things better.
After the divorce, I started seeing someone, an old friend of mine, more often. He was helping me cope with this whole situation. It was just a friendship, but then we started to have stronger feelings and we ended up getting married after a year that we were together. I introduced him to you as your dad and I made you think that he was your biological one. Although this was my selfish way of trying to move on.
Please know and remember that I love you more than anything. You are the JOY of my life and that will NEVER change.
Yours sincerely,
-Rosaline Edwards"
After I finish reading it I take sometime to process the letter and try to understand what she's telling me.
"I thought your mother's last name was Smith", says Alis breaking the silence.
I nod, "I got my last name from her."
"Then why is it signed as Eduards?"
"You think it's something important, huh?" I ask, trying to meet her thought process. She nods firmly and I eventually can't help but agree. My mother isn't the type to do or write something without a purpose. She was always very intentional and deliberate in all of her actions.