The sun falls low and I stand outside the hotel. Aedin sits nearby, his head fallen back over the edge of the bench.
I'm halfway watching him and halfway watching the sun set over the freeway. I put the joint back up to my lips and take a deep inhale, then lower it and take a moment before letting the smoke out. It hangs in the still lukewarm air smelling strongly, before I wave it away.
"Since when did you smoke pot?" Aedin pipes up.
"Since college made my anxiety a bajillion times worse," I tell him, walking over.
"I used to smoke weed," he says, sitting up straighter. "A long time ago."
"You 'used' to do everything," I tease him.
He chuckles, and I feel my heart flutter. "I never did any of those hard drugs. And I never hurt anybody that didn't have it coming."
"Cryptic." I mutter, then hold the joint out. "Do you wanna try this? It's just for anxiety. It won't do anything crazy."
He smiles his gorgeous smile. "No, thanks. Maybe some other time. Sit?"
I nod, plopping down on the bench beside him. He lays his arm across my shoulders and pulls me a little closer. I want to kiss him again. I want to take his hand and lead him upstairs and go to bed together. But I think, for now, we should just go slow. Baby steps. What if it's been too long and we've changed too much? I'm halfway through college, he's probably been going through some stuff.
What if time and distance have warped us into people that the other can't really recognize? What if the love is gone?
I let out a deep breath, and shut my eyes. If the love is gone, then I can at least take solace knowing I made really sure it would never have worked.
Right?
I turned my head slightly, looking up at him, and then take another long, slow hit, letting it out into the growing wind.
"Is it gonna rain, soon?" He asks.
"Yeah, I think so. It looks like. How can you tell?"
He puts his hand on the opposite side of my head and pulls down, resting my cheek against his shoulder. I close my eyes and drop what little remains of the roach onto the concrete, stepping on it and twisting my foot.
"Just a feeling. In the air. You know." He murmurs. "There are other things than dark clouds that tell you when there's gonna be a storm. You can feel it, if you've experienced it before."
I nod. It feels like there's something poetic in what he's saying but I guess I'm not smart enough to put it into words, so I just nod, hoping he'll say it.
He doesn't. He turns his head slightly and presses his lips against my forehead. He stays still, letting out a deep breath, his eyes closed.
His eyes open a little, and even though he can't see me, I feel like he can really see me, like no one else can. It's stupid, and irrational, because when I really think about it, I don't even know much about him.
I guess it's just one of those things. Irrational. I'm not gonna think about this too much and ruin it like I do with everything else. I want to love him. With all my heart.
His voice is honeysuckle, sweet and gentle. It's coming home after a long cold day to someone who loves you. He doesn't say much. Just three little words. Three teeny, tiny words, but somehow they're so big. They eclipse my vision and make my heart feel like it might explode. They feel like everything, he makes them feel like that. The way he sends them, like it's a secret, like maybe even I'm not meant to know.
Three little words that make me feel like I'm finally home.
"I missed you."