Let's do a quick, mandatory life review, shall we?
My name is Riku Minaru. I am a fifty-year-old soul who successfully lived a full, modern life until a stupid brain tumor punched my ticket out of reality.
I was fully prepared to rest in peace, perhaps floating on a comfortable cloud or standing in a very long heavenly queue for premium Wi-Fi.
But instead, an absolute scam artist of an evil digital System ambushed my soul, legally bound itself to my consciousness, and dragged me into a multi-world transmigration custody battle.
Right now, I am stuck in a world that looks suspiciously like ancient China but definitely isn't, because ancient China didn't have floating digital screens or teenagers capable of leveling a mountain range with a flick of their wrist.
According to my terrible contract, I have to successfully complete the main missions in every world, or my soul will vanish into thin air like a drop of water on a scorching sidewalk.
Currently, I am inhabiting the frail, slender body of a former slum-dwelling beggar named Xiu Liang. And as of approximately ten minutes ago, I am being held captive inside the private bedchamber of a wildly powerful, terrifyingly attractive, and deeply unhinged Crown Prince for a creepy, universe-shattering reason that has officially turned my entire mental landscape into absolute dust.
Let's roll the tape back for a quick, devastating flashback.
=====°°°°°
[Flashback Sequence: The Bending of the Ruler]
There I was, kowtowing on the pristine hardwood floor, preparing myself for a standard historical punishment-like twenty strokes of a bamboo cane or a month of hard labor scrubbing the imperial stables.
Instead, the Crown Prince leaned down, his freezing winter-snow fragrance completely enveloping my senses, and whispered a sentence that instantly broke my internal motherboard.
"You are going to be my attendant... and my wife," the Prince stated smoothly, his striking blue eyes locking onto mine with the absolute, unyielding certainty of a man declaring a tax hike.
"And in the future, when I am officially crowned as the King of this realm, I will proudly announce our relationship to everyone beneath the heavens."
*...The literal heck?!*
My internal scream was so loud I was genuinely surprised the palace roof didn't cave in.
*We just met! We have interacted for a grand total of fifteen minutes! And now you are planning to file for a royal marriage license?! What kind of cliché, fast-food, love-at-first-sight narrative arc is this?! What absolute, unadulterated bullsh*t!!!*
My eyes widened so drastically I was thoroughly convinced they were going to pop right out of their sockets and roll across the floorboards like loose marbles.
My windpipe instantly suffered a catastrophic malfunction as my own saliva completely choked me.
My feet went entirely cold, the blood completely draining from my extremities as I stared at his flawless, handsome face in utter, soul-crushing disbelief.
*Oh, God! This kid is completely, historically insane!* I babbled frantically in the dark recesses of my mind.
*Didn't he look at the character model?! Is his high-tier cultivation blurring his vision?! I am a guy! I possess the standard masculine equipment! I have the d*ck! This is mathematically incorrect!*
But before I could yell out a coherent protest about the biological logistics of imperial succession, my vision started to violently blur.
The sheer, overwhelming emotional whiplash-combined with a massive spike of fifty-year-old grandfather panic-proved entirely too much for my fragile, uncultivated body to handle. Within a few seconds, the world spun on its axis, and everything went completely black.
While Xiu Liang was currently dead to the world-having successfully fainted out of sheer shock, profound disbelief, and a healthy dose of mortal terror-the Crown Prince didn't even blink.
With a fluid, effortless movement, he scooped the unconscious youth back into his arms, carrying him over to the grand, silk-draped imperial bed.
He laid him down against the plush pillows with a level of gentleness that would have deeply terrified anyone who knew his usual ruthless reputation.
The Prince leaned down, his sharp, striking eyes tracing the soft contours of Xiu Liang's face, a low, dangerously possessive rumble vibrating in his throat.
"Xiu Liang..." the Prince murmured, his pale finger gently brushing against the youth's cheek.
"Your delicate, white, and impossibly soft skin makes me want to touch it continuously. These pink, supple lips make me want to kiss them until they bleed under our edge. Ah... what a truly perfect, exquisite delicacy laid out directly in front of me."
He paused, a dark, devilish smirk gracing his lips as he straightened his posture.
"But do not worry, my little treasure. I will not eat you... YET."
With that terrifying promise left hanging in the silent air of the bedchamber, the Crown Prince turned on his heel, his gold-embroidered robes sweeping across the floor as he casually walked back to his grand desk to continue reviewing provincial taxation documents like a perfectly normal, non-predatory royal.
[End of Flashback Sequence]
=====°°°°°
The Labyrinth of Pure Misunderstanding
Meanwhile, out in the grand, sweeping corridors of the palace's west wing, Xiaofan was currently undergoing a severe internal crisis of her own.
The bamboo broom in her hands was completely forgotten as she stared blankly at the lacquered walls, her small face twisted into an expression of profound, agonizing worry because of the gossip she had just extracted from the maidservants.
*Why...* Xiaofan thought, her lower lip trembling slightly beneath her silk mask.
*Xiu Liang gege... what in the absolute heavens did you do inside that room to make the Crown Prince hate you so intensely?!*
In her innocent, completely unversed fourteen-year-old mind, the maids' giggling descriptions of the Crown Prince carrying a pale, trembling Xiu Liang into his private quarters could only mean one thing:
*Brother Xiu Liang had committed a catastrophic diplomatic blunder, insulted the royal bloodline, and was currently being subjected to a horrific, high-tier physical interrogation!*
*I knew it!* she internally wailed, pacing back and forth across the polished floorboards like a tiny, frantic assassin.
*Gege is an eccentric, undiscovered master, but he has absolutely zero filter! He must have said something incredibly rude to His Highness! I am so worried... the Prince is going to punish him severely, or worst of all, order his immediate decapitation!*
The poor little girl started to walk back and forth in a frantic circle, her boots squeaking against the wood as she desperately tried to formulate a rescue operation.
*Think, Xiaofan, think! You are a top-tier covert operative! How do you save a chaotic older brother from the jaws of an angry dragon?!*
Suddenly, she froze. Her eyes lit up like two brilliant stars.
"Aha! Right! I've got a plan!" the little girl giggled out loud, her sudden burst of happiness completely shattering the silent, solemn atmosphere of the hallway.
Believing with absolute certainty that her brilliant, top-secret strategy would successfully deliver her brother from the clutches of royal wrath, she happily picked up her bamboo broom and started cleaning the floorboards again, giggling to herself like an absolute idiot while the passing eunuchs stared at her like she had lost her mind.
=====°°°°°
# The Return of the Toaster
Back inside the grand imperial bedchamber, the atmosphere was significantly more tense.
A sudden, sharp gasp cut through the silence as my eyes snapped open. I instantly bolted upright into a sitting position on the massive bed, my hands desperately clutching the high-quality silk sheets as my brain scrambled to download its surroundings.
*Dark wood... dragon carvings... expensive sandalwood incense...*
*Son of a gun,* I wept internally, my shoulders slumping.
*I'm still here. It wasn't a nightmare. I am still trapped inside the lair of the evil, bratty, matrimonial Crown Prince.*
I cautiously turned my head toward the center of the room. Sure enough, sitting right there behind his massive desk was the Prince himself, casually dipping a calligraphy brush into ink and review documents as if he hadn't just shattered the laws of heterosexual orientation ten minutes prior.
The absolute second my gaze landed on him, his high-realm cultivation senses picked it up. The Prince stopped his brush mid-stroke.
He set aside his official paperwork with agonizing deliberation, rose from his throne-like chair, and began walking directly toward the bed.
The sheer, predatory grace of his stride immediately triggered every single red alert inside my civilian brain. My entire body went into full-blown battle-stations mode.
"Don't you dare take another step further!" I yelled, scrambling backward on the mattress until my spine hit the carved wooden headboard.
I aggressively pointed a finger at him, my eyes darting frantically around the room, trying to locate a window, a hidden door, or a structurally weak wall that I could potentially jump through to escape.
"Don't come any closer, or else!..."
The Crown Prince stopped a few paces away, tilted his head slightly, and let out a low, deeply teasing chuckle that sent an annoying heat straight back to my ears.
"What if I dare...~?" he murmured, his voice infuriatingly smooth as he deliberately took another slow, imposing step forward, his striking blue eyes locking onto my panicked figure like a tractor beam.
I was just about to open my mouth to scream for the palace guard-even though the palace guard worked for *him*-when a sudden, high-pitched, and incredibly cheerful mechanical sound echoed directly inside the center of my skull.
*Ding!*
**[Host! Your beloved, faithful, and highly upgraded System 888 has successfully returned from emergency servers! I missed you so much happily! Let's clear this world together!]**
The sheer timing of this digital entrance was so profoundly terrible that a literal fuse blew inside my mind.
I completely forgot about the encroaching Crown Prince, I forgot about the imperial robes I was wearing, and I channeled every single ounce of my fifty years of pent-up rage into a mental shriek.
*SYSTEM 888! F*CK YOU TO HEAVEN AND BACK!!! WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS BEING LEGALLY CLASSIFIED AS AN IMPERIAL BRIDE?! YOU MECHANICAL PIECE OF GARBAGE!!!*
Deep within the inner circuits of the universal mainframes, the little floating orb of digital light completely froze mid-air, its screens flashing a rapid, panicked shade of error-code blue.
**[System 888 internal processing: ...The f*ck?! What did I even do wrong this time!! (>3<)]**